Generally I agree with what you are saying as I’ve faced some of these same obstacles myself (except for the age related one’s). But I see a theme in you comments about being the one doing all the heavy lifting or BB throwing up new objections to why things aren’t good enough yet (which somehow go on forever).
Schnarch addresses this resistance and the dynamics involved, how partners even trap themselves by letting the other partner do the trapping for them. In this way, doing the heavy lifting is really a way of trapping BB into not having to do her share of the lifting, keeping her from moving forward in her development and thus allowing you to not have to confront the issues you know she will put to you (if you can follow this circular argument).
CeMar,
The one thing I can really appreciate about you is your consistency! I think I could take your comments and put them into just about any other post you’ve made a not lose and of the original meaning. The more I read Schnarch the more I see you all in it. I wonder how closely you really studied what he is saying?
As for the power, what real power does a HD person have? One of the reasons people become LD is to CONTROL the power in a relationship. The highest levels of vulnerability lie with people that are the Highest desire, and people with ND have virtually no vulnerabilty. They are the ones that completely control their own destiny. It seems to me that the only real power that HD people have is to divorce, its the only thing that we control.
This statement is right in line with the theme of almost all your comments. The focus is poor you and what you can’t have, on the power of the other person, how you are powerless and cannot control your own destiny, that to do so means you have to be the “bad” guy and force a divorce, but by taking the higher, nobler path, you are a saint and a martyr and your wife is the villain. Does anyone else get this impression?
What I see in Schnarch that pertains to you is the part on the two-choice dilemma, that I also mentioned to HeatherG. I think you play martyr in order to KEEP your wife backed into a corner and stay emotionally distant from you. This protects you from having to truly reveal yourself, yet allows you to save face by acting as the victim, staying in the marriage for sake of your kids. This is Narcissism 101.
I think your true perpetrator is yourself. The fact that you’ve been stuff in this exact same situation for 3 years or more says nothing about your wife and everything about you. Why don’t you resurrect your old thread and tell us about your FOO?
