Not Sure What to Do

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Hopeful,

I am in the middle of reading Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and it differs from Michele's advice in some regards, particularly in relation to tolerating the affair. He recommends a swift end to the affair, as no marriage can improve while an affair is still present. If the betraying spouse will not end the affair, he recommends that the LBS cut contact 100% until he is willing to do so. Let them feel the pain and miss you, until the affair dies a slow death (which it is likely to do). I am not sure, but this seems to be akin to Michele's "After the Last Resort Technique". He just cuts to the chase right off the bat, nothing in between.

I had some rebuilding to do with my H when I initially found out about the affair, and the last few months have been discovering and changing behaviors for me - being warm, kind, and soft-spoken, trying to understand my husband better and listening a lot more. I have seen steady progress towards my relationship goals, but lately (the last two weeks) it feels like we are treading water. My H seems happy with short friendly visits on Friday nights and Sunday afternoons, with perhaps a few phone calls or quick drop-ins related to business during the week. My H is completely emotionally caught up in a long-distance affair which has no chance of survival in the real world in my opinion, but he is addicted beyond belief right now. So I'm not sure where to go next myself, let alone provide great advice to you

But here's what I can see regarding you:

Do what makes you happy. Honor and treat yourself. He does sound like he is in a MLC - so do your darndest to NOT let his emotional ups and downs and his confusion affect you. Do what ever it takes to ensure that. Figure out what you want, and work on that. You need to be calm, serene, focused - and you need to get your energy back. What gives you pleasure? I am going to a concert tonight and dressing up for the occasion with a girl friend. I light candles and put on soft music in my bedroom every night now, to provide a romantic environment for ME.

And also, think about your 180's. How can you surprise him, make him wonder, add some mystery? I went shopping for new undies with my daughter last week, bought some strings and thongs! A far cry from the COSTCO cotton undies I was wearing, and I wear sexy lingerie whenever my husband is around even if he isn't getting to see it right now - because I know it's under there

Have you discovered what caused your husband to stray - what needs were not being met? See if there is anything in your behavior that needs improvement related to the marriage and relationship. For example, perhaps he needs focused attention from you now, and loving gestures such as when you were first married, rather than space, if you have always given him lots of space before.

Also, have you told your H what you want? Not this:

pressuring him now to work on the marriage

But truly what you want. You said:

To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do at this point.

I do think you need to be very clear if you want your marriage. If you do, you need to say so, and then also say what you want (such as "end ALL contact with OW, because until then we can not move forward with our marriage").

Are you journaling? Do you have a Solutions Journal (a la Divorce Remedy)? What are your long term and then your short term goals (for the next two weeks). What are the behaviors you will take on? What are the behaviors you will see in him if it is working?

Meanwhile, get yourself juiced up and energized. Do something good for yourself. I'll be keeping an eye out.