Not Sure What to Do

[HopefulAndDetermined]

I posted here some time ago, but it has been a long time so I will start over. I have been with my husband 31 years. I supported him through school for five years in the early 1980s, then he worked for 17 years, was laid off in 2003, and I have been supporting him ever since. He tried starting a business, but it went nowhere, so he gave up and just started playing. He does shop and cook but that does not take more than 4 hours a day at most. I have been working full time for the last 30 years, and have in addition taken care of both my aging parents for the last 7 years. I had very little time and he had lots of time, so he started an affair in August. He did not tell me until October, and then he admitted only that they had been thinking about having an affair, but that now they were giving their spouses a second chance. I never got a second chance because they were immediately back with each other. We tried marriage counselling, and then I tried becoming more attractive, becoming a more interesting person, etc. The latter worked very temporarily in November, to the point where he was telling the ow that he was "working on his marriage", but he never stopped simultaneously working on his relationship with her. Then he lost interest again in working on his marriage, and since then has been splitting his time between my place and her place, but with me we are like brother and sister. Lately he has been increasing the number of nights per week that he spends with her. I did go and talk to an attorney a few months ago, who told me that if he decides to divorce me, he can take a huge chunk of the money that I worked very hard to earn. I am exhausted and have been wanting to retire, but he can destroy not only our marriage but my whole future, into my old age. My only hope is that he would have some compassion during negotiation. Despite all this, I still love him. We used to talk about being each other's soul mates, and tell each other we were glad we married each other, and we seemed to have a powerful relationship. But I have to admit that this affair is wearing me down. He has told me more than once since this started that no matter what happens, he hopes we will always be friends. I have started seeing a counsellor, because at the same time all this is happening my father just died, I am still dealing with my mother's death less than two years ago, and my favorite cat also just died, and I have enormous grief. So I am open to any advice that will work. Thanks for listening.

[PositivelyListening]

Dear Hopeful,

I am so sorry to hear of your sad situation, as I can only imagine how painful it must be for you. I must tell you, that I think you are on the right track. You are seeing a counselor, and realizing that you are depleted and grieving. So many important losses in such a short time. I have not read any of your earlier posts, but it sounded like you have been coming here for a while and you have been working the DB program. It definitely sounds like it is time for you to replenish yourself and take care of your own needs for a while. I suggest that you focus on that, rather than your marriage right now. Your husband does not sound reliable right now (is he in MLC - how old is he?) but regardless he is not meeting your needs as a partner right now. So you will need to do everything in your power to get yourself replenished. Some of the things I am doing right now on a regular basis are massage, manicures & pedicures, shopping for new clothes, beach walks with friends, exercise, taking classes. Do you go to church, or have you ever? Do you have close friends who love you support you and get who you are? Start making some dates - maybe even book a trip. I am going to see one of my closest friends in Canada in two weeks. I can understand the concern about the financial situation. However, if your husband really wants to remain "friends no matter what" then perhaps you need to ask him for reassurance that he will not try to hurt you in this way, so you will not feel so vulnerable.

Personally, I have decided that my finances are a way of keeping control. I try not to sound overly niaive about this, but I believe that I will be taken care of in life, and so far this has been true. I try to manage my money well, and be "good steward" but any fear I have about money isn't usually about someone else, it's about me. I encourage you to take care of yourself right now (even if it costs you a little bit of $$) and not to jump into the attorney money protection mode unless you have reason to think your husband is no longer trustworthy. Are you committed to your marriage? If you are, don't control or push him away in this regard. Is it possible that your husband already feels powerless around the finances? Some men have deep issues with low self-esteem when the work arena has not gone so well. This may have been the instigation for his affair. I know you are depleted right now. But he may be too, and he just did the wrong thing to boost his batteries. You have an oportunity to do the right thing right now, and begin to take care of yourself. I recommend a warm bubble bath by candle light ASAP.

I will keep an eye out for you. Please keep posting.

[Free_To_Be_]

Sadly, and tragically, of course it will wear you down. And what a horrible thing to think of facing your future without the capital you've (You've) worked so hard to put away to guarantee a comfortable, more relaxed without the need to work, future.

It's all very upsetting, but at the end of the day, you'll have to do whatever the law requires, and you won't get a judge to sign off on it until that happens.

Is it fair? It didn't used to be, as the straying spouse got left holding the bag, but more and more all assets are split fifty-fifty: just like dissolving a business arrangment. It probably unclogged the courts a bit.

So, I truly feel for you--you did not deserve this, nor do you deserve what may happen. Get your affairs together and make the best of what you can.

Sorry, and here's a big cyber-hug just for you,

Free

[HopefulAndDetermined]

Dear PostivelyListening,

Thanks so much for your sympathy and wise advice. To answer your question, my H is 56 years old and I think he is going through a MLC -- in addition to this affair, he has changed his appearance, changed his interests, lost at least 30 pounds, shaved his beard, pierced his ears and is wearing earrings, grown his hair, is wearing different clothes, and a couple of weeks ago just started a minimum-wage job. Does that sound like a MLC?

But as of last night there is a new development. Last night he told that he and the ow have just "broken up" but are still friends. So they are still doing things together but he won't be staying overnight. It sounded like her decision. He told me that she could no longer stand his not being with her all the time. I was thunderstruck, but was not sure how to react. I don't feel like pressuring him now to work on the marriage is the thing to do. To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I had just started planning beyond him. And I'm not sure if this will last. I'm not sure if his holding back from her had to do with some kind of loyalty to me, or just wanting to keep something of himself. I did have the impression that she was clingy and needy. I had given him lots of space, and he was used to that. Anyway, I think I will just go slowly and play it by ear. But any ideas or advice are welcome.

Hopeful.

[HopefulAndDetermined]

Dear Free,

Thanks for your sympathy and the cyber-hug. I send a cyber-hug back to you. I posted a response to PostivelyListening just above this one that you can also read. (I guess I'm still trying to figure out this posting system and how to post a response to more than one person.)

Thanks,
Hopeful.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Hopeful,

I am in the middle of reading Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and it differs from Michele's advice in some regards, particularly in relation to tolerating the affair. He recommends a swift end to the affair, as no marriage can improve while an affair is still present. If the betraying spouse will not end the affair, he recommends that the LBS cut contact 100% until he is willing to do so. Let them feel the pain and miss you, until the affair dies a slow death (which it is likely to do). I am not sure, but this seems to be akin to Michele's "After the Last Resort Technique". He just cuts to the chase right off the bat, nothing in between.

I had some rebuilding to do with my H when I initially found out about the affair, and the last few months have been discovering and changing behaviors for me - being warm, kind, and soft-spoken, trying to understand my husband better and listening a lot more. I have seen steady progress towards my relationship goals, but lately (the last two weeks) it feels like we are treading water. My H seems happy with short friendly visits on Friday nights and Sunday afternoons, with perhaps a few phone calls or quick drop-ins related to business during the week. My H is completely emotionally caught up in a long-distance affair which has no chance of survival in the real world in my opinion, but he is addicted beyond belief right now. So I'm not sure where to go next myself, let alone provide great advice to you

But here's what I can see regarding you:

Do what makes you happy. Honor and treat yourself. He does sound like he is in a MLC - so do your darndest to NOT let his emotional ups and downs and his confusion affect you. Do what ever it takes to ensure that. Figure out what you want, and work on that. You need to be calm, serene, focused - and you need to get your energy back. What gives you pleasure? I am going to a concert tonight and dressing up for the occasion with a girl friend. I light candles and put on soft music in my bedroom every night now, to provide a romantic environment for ME.

And also, think about your 180's. How can you surprise him, make him wonder, add some mystery? I went shopping for new undies with my daughter last week, bought some strings and thongs! A far cry from the COSTCO cotton undies I was wearing, and I wear sexy lingerie whenever my husband is around even if he isn't getting to see it right now - because I know it's under there

Have you discovered what caused your husband to stray - what needs were not being met? See if there is anything in your behavior that needs improvement related to the marriage and relationship. For example, perhaps he needs focused attention from you now, and loving gestures such as when you were first married, rather than space, if you have always given him lots of space before.

Also, have you told your H what you want? Not this:

pressuring him now to work on the marriage

But truly what you want. You said:

To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do at this point.

I do think you need to be very clear if you want your marriage. If you do, you need to say so, and then also say what you want (such as "end ALL contact with OW, because until then we can not move forward with our marriage").

Are you journaling? Do you have a Solutions Journal (a la Divorce Remedy)? What are your long term and then your short term goals (for the next two weeks). What are the behaviors you will take on? What are the behaviors you will see in him if it is working?

Meanwhile, get yourself juiced up and energized. Do something good for yourself. I'll be keeping an eye out.