"Would you believe that this truly does have nothing to do with .....YOU? I want you to know that right off the bat. The comments he's made to you about losing weight, getting a tan etc....is him not dealing with his own crap."
I "know" this, but convincing myself to actually "believe" this is quite another issue for me. My own insecurities interfere. I have become real good at blaming myself. Guess because I like analyze every little word and since he isn't accepting any blame, or when he does say it isn't me, he then follows up with a statement like I mentioned. So, conflicting words lead me to feel it is me.
"How long during your R was he drinking heavily and taking pills? Was it the entire time, up until sobriety....you know from the beginning?
Well, from the time I met him, he was a bartender, we were young & into the whole bar business until we got married & had a baby, so I just assumed his drinking was something we did because we were young & having fun. But, I know now it was much deeper than that for him. After the birth of our 1st son, we started selling real estate, which really pushed him to the point of no return. Selling homes that he felt he could never afford, dealing with sharp business men with loads of education intimidated him, making cold calls to find business was painful for him. He began drinking in the day to do these things. I didn't know this. I assumed he was just really good at it. Then I realized when he was sent home from the office from smelling like alcohol, stumbling & so on, we had a problem. This went on untilthe birth of our 2nd son, which our 1st son was almost 7 yrs old at this point. By that time, he got was drinking & driving, not going to appts, not working very hard. It was all me & making excuses for him was getting harder & harder. I know it began to affect our business. Though he could maintain composure in the day, by night time, when most of our appts were, he was pretty lit. He began hiding the drinking from me. He would show me he might have 4-6 beers over the course of the entire day, but I had no clue about the 40 ozs on the way to appts, the boxed wine he drank hot in the garage throughout the day. It got bad & he got careless, DUI...serious troubles & money issues because I couldn't afford to pay for it all, take care of the kids, a fat mortgage, cars & all.
The pills & other recreational drugs were only from time to time while at the bars working. Not a "problem" until the last year when I thought he was getting sober. He took herbal ecstasy, paxil....things legal, but the herbal ecstasy can make you mental, which it started to. It got kinda creepy. That is when he hit bottom. At this point the combo of pills kept him from wanting or being able to perform sexually.
"If so, I'm wondering if those things were part of his losing his inhibitions and increased sexuality."
Come to think of it, he was likely drinking whenever we had S. Like a false confidence. For so long I just assumed he was as sexual as me in the bedroom. Perhaps he did it to mask his own fears or issues with S.
"Has he had any type of counseling? Have you requested any?"
Since we are self employed & been on the verge of financial ruin, we haven't had the money to go. But, as we are getting more of a grip on things, this is something we plan to do. Both alone & together. We both have major issues. We are both happy in the marriage, just seems I am unhappy with the SL post sobriety. Seems unfair I know. But, I miss the initimacy. Maybe a counselor can help clear what is clouding his head, or his hangups about S. Maybe it is not even a S thing. Just self-esteem?
"One thing I'm curious about too....when you asked him about why no sex & no oral...you said he seemed hurt by how you asked. So....how did you ask? How have your conversations gone when you've tried to bring up the lack of sex? Do you ever initiate yourself? If so, what's his response to that?"
Well, at first I sent playful emails with little articles about it. He never said anything about them, so one night I playfully asked if he got them. He said yes, but he erased them. Didn't even read them because it wasn't something he was into doing. I let it go, but more time went by & I began to feel a little hurt. So, one night after S, in a soft, loving way asked if it were something I can do to change that. Maybe it was me. He got really snappy & said for me to stop hinting, stop asking, stop making remarks. It wasn't funny & he had no clue why I would think he wanted to do that. He had a bad experience with it with a girl once. He couldn't do it sober. Which I do realize at this point that he only did it while drinking. That doesn't change the fact that he was REALLY into it when he did it. Things he said indicated he liked it. The lack of OS had me searching online for answers. I went thru all the probable scenarios. Maybe the birth of our kids had something to do with it? After the fist son, OS wasn't an issue. Since the 2nd one, it has been. Only thing changed (aside from my body) is that he is now sober. I thought, hygiene? Not really, because I am very clean. I asked him about that, he said no, that wasn't it & I felt confident that wasn't the issue. No past lovers have mentioned that. I have been with women before, so I am know it can be one. I also know it would be hard to say something. I would never expect OS if I wasn't clean as a whistle, which I have had no complaints about in the past. I know that could change, but I don't feel it has. It just hurts. Just in case it was an issue and wanted to find ways to suggest or lead into OS, without pressuring him (only suggested once every few months), I told him that I planned taking a long bath together, then had strawberries, whipped cream (his fav) and some other flavorful things. I didn't mention OS. Before I could finish my sentence, he stormed out the room saying I just don't "get" it. By now, my ego was bruised, my heart, broken. I may have to face it, no OS for life. He told me he needed time. But, gosh, it seems like an eternity. Especially since lately he has really responded to me being the giver in OS. Which I LOVE doing. I never liked it much until the last year or so. Now that I am not too mad at him with drinking issues.
To answer if I initiate, well... I have always had to take the more dominate lead (since he became sober). If I don't, we won't. And I can't have that. I have hinted that I would LOVE more sexually forward actions from him. For him to just take control & seduce me. Maybe he just doesn't want to do that or fantasize about it. Maybe he wants to, but doesn't have the courage to do it. I don't know, but I miss that. He did it when we ewre drinking. Is that side gone forever? That makes me sad to think that.
Nothing like a man being a little dominate, wanting to do nothing more than please you, for as long as you want. I don't expect this every time, but once a month would be super. I don't like being the one to start it. I don't like being turned down. And I don't ask for S often. Most of the time, I just take a shower, freshen up, wear something cute but comfy & we sit there watching tv, me stewing. Or me wanting the kids to get to bed earlier, but he, even knowing I have showered & seem excited, he looks for reasons to let the kids stay up late enough so he can just zonk out.
Maybe I am too unrealistic. But, I miss the middle of the night steamy S where he woke me up to ML.
One thing I didn't think of, I do know that now that he is sober, he is worried that we might get pregnant again. And I worry too. We love our kids, but another one right now, with the cost of childcare & how hard it is to have time for them now, we would be crazy. We would handle it & be happy, but if we can avoid it, I am sure he will. I can't take BC because it makes me very ill. We don't like condoms because they just suck. So, maybe this hinders things as well. When we were drinking, we focused less on that. And we were trying for so long to have another baby, that we didn't worry. Now we worry, so this may hinder his desire? On top of the other issues?
Oh, I feel dumb for letting so petty hurt. Sex isn't the only important thing in my life. BUT, it sure does feel good. The EC is stronger then, for me. And when he drank, he would talk about us, be so sweet & romantic. So passionate. That man is gone. Or maybe just in hiding. If only he would come out, life would be perfect. See, my H takes my concern about this as me being unable to be pleased. He got clean, he is a good H & dad, he stopped doing much of what hurt our R (lying, porn) what more do I want?
To answer that, I just want to be loved. Entirely, without exception. For me, his lack of interest in S or OS is the exception. He loves me, but...
