Quote: Is it normal for a man to loose drive while he is learning about his true feelings, not being drunk to be sexual?
Absolutely yes. My bf is also a recovering alcoholic (sober for two years next month). (AND his mom owns a bar.) He is also extremely good looking and exudes masculine confidence, but that hides an insecure little boy. We've only been together 3.5 years, so there the resemblence to your sitch ends, plus he's 55 and I'm 57.
The sex was better in terms of emotional connection when he was drinkng, but not so good in physical "performance." He was fairly uninhibited (although still more inhibited than I), and we were just more sexually active (looking back, I realize that I initiated virtually all of the time). One time after we'd only been together a couple of months, we had this spectacular sexual encounter-- He was just a totally open book, pouring out all of the words I longed to hear... a steady stream of the most beautiful, emotional compliments, loving words, etc. and the next day he remembered NOT ONE WORD. It had been a total blackout. I asked him, "Was that you? Did you mean those things?" He said, "I was THERE, I just can't get BACK there." Alas, one wonders why I didn't walk out the door the next day.
Another message board for partners of recovering people is Friends & Family of Alcoholics. I used to post there when I was trying to understand the change in him after he stopped drinking. I'm with you-- I don't want him to go back to drinking; he's come a long way. But like your H, he is very reserved and even a bit of a prude. I had a thread on that board called "sex after he sobers up" and people told me, it would take at least a year for him to start to feel comfortable sexually (well, it's been TWO years, and he's in therapy, too... but then he also has ED to contend with-- a whole 'nother story).
I looked up that thread, and this is what one woman told me
Quote: when my H first dried out, sex was a whole different game. For the first time in YEARS, I wanted it but he didn't. I did some research and one of my sources (sorry, can't remember which one) indicated that it can take about a year for the associated depression and other physical effects to subside. I know it's difficult, but patience really does pay off. Keep the lines of communication open and spend as much time together as possible.
I disagree that you should not initiate sex. He may start to feel that you no longer desire him, deepening the depression. Here is where communication is vital. Be sure you let him know that when he is ready, you are willing. Let him know that you are trying to give him some space but miss intimacy with him. Initiate intimacy but perhaps not as frequently. I would say once a week would be reasonable but you and your partner have to decide what works best for you as a couple. Give him permission to decline your advances. Perhaps the two of you could devise a system of "signals". Or maybe a planned "date" would help. As fun as spontineity is, sometimes knowing what the future holds can fuel desire. It can also cause apprehension so the two of you will really have to work TOGETHER to find a compromise. Don't make the mistake of thinking you know what is on his mind or that he knows what your motives are. I can't say it enough ... talk it out. For me, there are few things more intimate than holding each other and just TALKING.
When they stop drinking, they're like a little baby chick who's just broken out of the shell. The protective coating that used to shield them from feelings, hurts, insecurity, is gone and everything is raw. Is your H in AA, or some kind of recovery program? As you know, here's "recovering" and there's "just not drinking," and they're not the same thing. My bf is 55 and until two years ago had probably NEVER had sesx sober. Now THAT is a sobering thought.
Don't know if any of this helps... I think there are some others on the board who have dealt with alcoholism.
