I have searched these boards up & down for a situation similar to my own, aside from being in a M where as the woman, I am HD & my H, LD, I haven't had much luck. Though I have been lurking for a long time, I am new to posting. I have appreciated all the wonderful, candid stories & advice. I am hoping for some help.
It wasn't always this way.
A little background (probably lots of typos & grammar issues, but I don't have time to check, sorry). This will be long...
I am a 32 yo female, married 11 years to my H, 39 yo. Been together a total of almost 14 years. We met when I was 18. And though I was young, I had already lived a life rich with experiences far beyond my age, for someone my age. People felt I was very mature. I was just getting over my BF of 3 years. xBF & I lived together a yr, my first yr of college. The xBF and I were in the process of splitting. When I met H, we fell for each other fast and been one hell of a ride since then.
Sex was always very passionate, Very fulfilling & fairly frequent. I think we have always had a way of knowing what worked sexually for us. Great chemistry & no issues experimenting. However, for much of the first 5-7 years, husband had issues with porn. Hiding it. I had no issues other than what I have seen mentioned frequently, as long as he was forthright about having it, not having too much or using it too frequently (meaning as long as our SL didn't suffer as a result of him using it), I was ok with it. He lied & was busted pretty often. I even watched movies, looked at mags with him. I thought I was pretty cool. Being a young attractive gal (I have been told, not conceited), I was rather secure with most things. But, like most people, had moments where I felt less secure. I think, after looking back, because we had such great sex, my insecurities were not showing. Ask me about that now, and the story is very different.
Along the way, within our first yr of M, we had a son, who is now 10. After failed attempts of having another one, we finally had another son, now 3. And somehow while we were busy living life, things got off track.
January 2004, my H celebrated not only his 39th b-day and our 11th anniversary, but also his 2 year sobriety date. Yes, my H is a recovering alcoholic/addict (alcohol & pills). He made many failed attempts to quit along the way. Starting during my pregnancy. our youngest was a yr old before he hit bottom. H's drinking problem had gone undetected for so long. He started at 14 & was nearly every day until 36 yrs o). His dad owns a bar. H had a rough childhood where I suspect I don't know the beginning of all the bull he was put through by his sick step-dad. My H is a very athletic, handsome man. From outward appearances, one might say he seems a very confident, very attractive man. This is far from true in regards to his confidence. A lifetime of being put down, sheltered, mentally/physically, possibly sexually abused took him from confident child to lost man in a big world with no skills. His dad also had many, many A's on his mom & then on his 2nd wife, who was the OW. His story from age 8 on would make you just cry. When he was 14-15, he came back to live with Dad, who put his bar, his drinking, his women, his career, his new family ahead of him. H was allowed to run wild. When I met him, I was so young, but my nature is so motherly, I wanted to save him, and I did just that. We ran off to FL and started a new life together. He had never been on his own.
There hasn't been an affair, or physical violence. But, there was years & years of reckless behavior, immature acts, mismanagement of our money (which as primary breadwinner being myself, it has been a struggle seeing him blow it), cruel mental games, namecalling (both sides), let down after let down. Saying I am gonna change, only to do more of the same. It got really bad, lots of yelling, no communicating & so on. When I got pregnant with baby 2, we developed patterns of no S or ML. I had a high risk pregnancy for pre-term delivery, so for the last few months, he didn't come near me, which really hurt. I have always been real affectionate...this was new to me. We were both now angry & hurting.
We moved from another state to live near family after he hit bottom & got sober. We sold the big dream home we built & got rid of alot of debt when we moved, so the finances could be a lot less of a burden & we could have family nearby for support. My step-dad is also a recovering alcoholic, so we have that in common. I gained quite a bit of weight on bedrest during the pregnancy. The pain of all we were going thru kept me from being able to loose the weight like I wanted to. I stopped caring about myself, I had always been into my figure & looks. Now I was very depressed & sad. We went long periods without S. This mad me sadder. And H didn't want to talk about it at all. He took some anti-depression meds when first trying to quit. And that took his desire away. He came off the pills & the desire came back, somewhat. But, nothing like it had been. I knew he was having issues with my looks. But, honestly, I was so angry. I just wanted him to be into me, no matter what kind of issue I was having with weight. We got in lots of fights about frequency, lack of intimacy, no oral S & so on. We just got more mad, and got less of what I wanted, but didn't know how to get.
One night, since he has been sober, but about 18 months ago, when I was at my heaviest, I asked why no S or oral & he seamed hurt by the way I asked & he said that I needed to loose weight, get a tan & so on. I was so hurt that he put conditions on his love for me. This really put distance between us. Not what I wanted.
Since then, in the last 6 months, I have lost about 30 lbs. I am 5'1" tall & weigh 124. I was very tight bodied after baby 1, but I need to make the effort to loose tummy flab & tighten up. I am very insecure with my bod. It kept me, being a HD person all these years, from wanting S. I avoided it & he didn't want it, so we did it once every couple months & when we did, it was awesome. No oral S since before baby 2. And we are trying to talk about our SL & M, but he takes it all as an attack on his manhood. No issues with his equipment. This is the issue...
He claims that his interest has just dropped, alot. We do work alot, have 2 active boys (oldest is very involved with baseball & H is asst coach, plus S is involved with school) & since we are self-employed, we work at home, together. Money isn't as big of an issue. But, we had to give up a very promising real estate career because H couldn't work as an agent anymore since he had to drink to do it before. Our finances went from making lots, to just getting by on our bills, though is not bad. Our business is really building up & are lucky to be able to be with the kids all the time. He is a super daddy. I think much of his energy goes into them. He helps cook, clean & share in the responsibilites with the kids. In that dept, he is the ideal H. Problem for me is that I seem to come last in his schedule. By the end of the day (we work opposite schedules so we can work when kids are asleep or gone -- he works about 5:30-6am & up til about 10:30-11pm & I get up about 9am-10am & stay up until 4 am), he just can't keep his eyes open or be able to focus on talking, being intimate.
We go through spurts of great S for about a week or two, then none for a couple. I am fine with 1-2 times per week, though it would be daily, if I could have it my way. However, I know we have kids & realistically, I don't HAVE to have it more often. My problems with the SL are these things:
1) No romance. He no longer tries to be romantic. No dating. No going out, flirting, nothing.
2) His idea of foreplay & mine are him -- foreplay & sex equal 10-15 minutes ; me -- both equal about 40 minutes to an hour. At time, more. I want him to WANT to explore my body the way he did when he was drinking all those years. He used to rub me down, feel my body, work on pleasing me more intently, oral sex & so on. He says I must have been married to someone else cause he was never this way. He says he always didn't care for oral sex since he had a bad experience with a past girl and that he most likely won't get into it ever again. He said he also realizes that while the women's gentalia turns him on, and so does mine, since he has been sober, he isn't comfortable being up close & personal. The drinking took away his inhibitions. They must have because I remember he did all of that, and well. I tell him that had I not known what I was missing, I wouldn't miss it. He used to be eager to please, get kinda wild. In fact, while we both drank, S was incredible. Both uninhibited.
3) He says he doesn't need S like I do. Makes me feel unwanted, insecure.
4) I just want him to be the aggressor at times when unexpected, take me by surprise, send the kids to family, seduce me & then spend the night ML, all night. Not worrying about the kids, work or so on.
5) Talking about S seems to make him uncomfortable. This was never an issue before.
6) I want S not just in our shower or the bed, same positions, same foreplay etc. I want creativity. He lost this, but once had it.
Is it normal for a man to loose drive while he is learning about his true feelings, not being drunk to be sexual? He was very sexual before. Porn & all. It seems he dropped that for the most part too. Says MB isn't even appealing. He says he doesn't know how to be the man I talk about when our SL was good. I don't want him to drink again, so this subject is touchy. I know this isn't something that would make him drink, but my unhappiness in our SL has him feeling insecure and like no matter what he does, I won't be happy, but that isn't so. I am happy in every aspect of our M, but the SL makes me bitter, resentful, snappy... I want the initimacy. I want to feel wanted. I want him to want to please me the way I love to please him. Would it be reasonable to give him more time being comfortable with learning to be the more assertive, confident person that the alcohol brought out? How can I go about helping the process. MC isn't really something we can do at this time. I want him to be comfortable talking. He almost seems shameful when talking about S. He even goes to say I must be a sex crazed woman, that goes overboard. When really, I am not. Just 1 time of good S a week, would make mama happy. If he connected more to me emotionally (his dad taught him how to be insensitive & non-emotional ; his mom is very religious & I suspect this plays into his shyness about sex now and there might be sex abuse that he hasn't mentioned), flirted more throughout the days leading up to it (meaning emails, touches, WOA), more effort to be romantic & sexual.
When I have talked about this issue with him, his first response was a counter-attack (mine was just concern) attacking me personally, blaming me for being negative, not working out...of course, I am much more friendly when I am happy in & out of the bedroom. He says he doesn't know how to be that person, naturally. How do I help? Now he says he is in love with me, it is him, not me. Do I give time, give lots of praise, try my hardest not to be angry & by doing so, will he warm back up? Anything... At times, I feel so lonely. I am too young for time to rob me of what should be a comfortable time in my life for S with my husband, who despite all he put me through, I still love him deeply. I don't want to grow more angry inside, more alone & desperate. I want to share these things with him.
Anyone been in this situation, dealing with recovery? I would appreciate some insight in to something that might work.
