I need help

[GratefulMama0204]

So my WAH wants to start putting our life back together again. Our divorce was to be final within a month [bomb dropped Thanksgiving, separation mid Dec, found out about OW NYE] His affair is decidedly over [by two weeks] and we have hung out numerous times in the past week.

He says that he loves me and that he wants us to work things out but he needs things to be less emotional for him, he wants it to be easy. I have said that the easy thing is to go through with the divorce, trying to heal from this and to have a stronger relationship is harder.

I don't know how to play this, and I don't want to play this. This isn't a game to win him back. . .he needs to win me back as well.

I am terrified of being hurt again. I finally got myself to a place of happiness and comfort when he decides he wants to try. BUT, he doesn't want to try hard.

Last night he got upset with me because I sent a TM asking him to call me and then called him a half hour later. He asked why I was hounding him... which set me off. I said that I wanted to speak to him before he went out. [He was going out to hang out with OW's cousin.] I was uncomfortable and just wanted to touch base. he acts as if I am trying to control him. I explained that he needed to try to understand things from my perspective, that of course it makes me uncomfortable and he needs to care about my feelings and be considerate of them. I do not necessarily expect him to not hang out with him, I just want reassurance from him.

So he went on to say that we are not together... and I said that if we were working toward a place of being together then I had to know that I was safe to share my feelings. And that he was safe to share his. He agreed.

So he called me back and left a message [I was in the bath] Saying he wants to work on things but that he cannot expect him to be someone he is not. That he loves me and just isn't ready for it to be so deep already. Told me again that he wants us to work out and that he loves me.

I have yet to tell him ILY.

This is hard because I have been DBing for months now and here he is back and I'm like, hey, buddy--- hwat about my needs? What about my feelings? I am just sick of it always being about what HE is comfortable with. WHAT ABOUT ME?

It makes me want to give up. The other night he said something along the lines of "if I started dating someone, I would tell you." HELLO?!! I said if you are interested in dating people then let's forget this charade of trying to work things out. And then he says, what do you want from me? I am not seeing her, I am takng you to Bill Mahr, [ohhhh, thanks.... I get the OW's ticket. how thoughtful] I am wanting to work things out. I just am not ready to deal with all of this yet.

So, I have to continue sitting back taking whatever scraps he gives me and WHEN do I get to have a say in this. I think he needs to win me back.

What books are there out there about how to handle the initial period after the affair.

I know he is probably hurting from the loss... the love of his life that turned out to be a manipulative liar who never really cared about him [his words] Surprise, surprise. BUT, he also has other issues and I have issues with all of the lying and deceit. And of course there were undealt with issues in our relationship pre-A.

So I get the techniques for getting him to come back. Are they the same for making it work now? Am I still supposed to remain detached, do my own thing...

I cannot get a handle on this at all. What am I supposed to do? I love him, want it to work, BUT I feel like we have major healing to do.

Should we set some ground rules? The only ones I have now are to be honest with me, no matter what, even if he thinks it will hurt me. Anything less at this point is a deal-breaker. We HAVE to re-establish trust.

Blech.