I just got through doing this on another BB with another guy who used a term like "desired". If you say to your W, "I want to be desired"....do you not see how vague that is? Do you not see what a HUGE general term that is?
I'm no counselor obiviously...but I will tell you EXACTLY what our MC would say to you if you said that sitting in her office (and BTW...would you get a counselor already!). She'd look you dead in the face and ask you "what does "desire" mean to you specifically?" I know you've written it out on here before, but ya know what? You've never truly gotten specific....your definition still stays fairly general. If you cannot communicate to your W SPECIFICALLY the things you want, you cannot hope to think....she's going to understand you. Why? Because everyone defines something like "Desire" differently.
You are looking for signs of "Desire" that fit your definition of it right? What happens if she's showing her desire for you....but her signs don't fit into your definition of it?
Well, CeMar, somehow you have to get the message across to her. Obviously you haven't done that. Why not try some of the things people on this board have told you for the past year? Nobody really knows your situation, but I would guess theres something wrong with the relationship, along with having children (which can and does change a woman). I bet you are one of those people that sees the glass as half empty, as opposed to half full, eh? I have read the posts on here the past year and you have been given some really great advice, but I don't see you taking any of it and putting it to use. Just my observation. Good luck CeMar
I’ve also noticed one other thing…. Your post talk a lot about the fantasy relationship you want. You have mentioned that your wife wants such-and-such type of relationship, but what exactly has she told you that she wants you to change? What are her specific complaints about you?
And don’t dance around this question. Either answer it or not. I’m not going to bother chasing you for the answer. I’ve been reading the Passionate Marriage thread that Julie provided. Back in 2004 your posts sound exactly like they do now. To me this means one of the following possibilities:
1. You do not understand the concepts given here (I doubt this because your thoughts do have some depth and wisdom). 2. You understand the concepts but consciously refuse to move forward because you are afraid of your wife, though you state otherwise on this board. 3. You understand the concepts but consciously refuse to acknowledge them and undertake the necessary changes to get your relationship moving because you are afraid of yourself (this seems credible since you seem to have a very strong, but partially concealed ego). 4. You are just playing a game and “baiting” everyone to stir up attention, for whatever reason.
So which one is it? And again, what are your wife’s complaints?
Cobra, I don't think you were on the board yet, but some of us (okay: me ) floated the theory that CeMar wasn't a real person, but a frat group that kept his identity going just to yank our collective chain.
Thanks for the encouragement. Last night I crept into bed with my husband after he was asleep. I hadn't slept in the same bed for about 2 weeks. He left early in the morning and I emailed him and asked, "How did it feel to wake up and find me in your bed?" (I only red Dbusters on the weekend and was trying positive steps). His email reply was "Yeah, the sex was wild....what are you honestly looking for? I was asleep, I kind of woke up when you came up...so you slept upstairs? What do you want me to feel?
I know you are trying and I appreciate it.
I felt crushed. I thought it was a good start. I feel as if he only wants sex. I really thought he liked the intimacy of us sleeping together. Now it seems as if he could care less. P.S. We haven't had sex in about 2 months.
I want to give you a warning not to get your hopes up right now for a real enthusiastic response from him. Why? Because he's hurting.
Even when you do start making attempts, like you did last night, to be close to him....he's not going to trust them immediately. He's going to think they will be very temporary. So set your mind to knowing, it's going to take you making consistent efforts, before you are going to really start getting the reactions you hope for. Ok?
I don't want to squealch your efforts, you did great....I just want you to be aware that it will take more from you....so that maybe you won't take his responses so personally.
Fantasy relationship? You mean a relationship with kissing and cuddling and frequent sex can only be a FANTASY? Not sure why any of us would even be here then.
What does my wife want. She wants someone that is ambitious, she wants someone that has something in common with her, she want EC, but mostly she wants someone whose love language is NOT physical touch, she wants someone that is HAPPY in a SSM.
Concepts? Move forward. I would LOVE to know what it is that the man can do that will DIRECTLY impact his marriage. All I have seen is the guy is supposed to make himself attractive. From that point on it is entirely up to the LD woman. I have asked before and no one on these boards has ever explained how the LD female is supposed to actually MAKE the changes that are necessary. If the guy does everything that he is supposed to do, that gets you 10% of the way to a solution, the other 90% must come from the women, and yet no one addresses that. It just some how magically happens.
I'd like to think that someday he'll take his blinders off, but it hasn't happened in the 3-years he's been on here. That's why I rarely respond to him now.
) floated the theory that CeMar wasn't a real person, but a frat group that kept his identity going just to yank our collective chain. 