One of our big problems is that since menopause I have absolutely no libido! We had a fabulous sex life before menopause. I enjoy sex once we begin it - complete with orgasms. But my husband wants me to initiate sex. I am a young 60 year old. People tell me I look 50 and I certainly feel 50 in every way but sex. I have looked into medical help, Intrinsa is not FDA approved yet, but my understanding is that it is the female Viagra, not a libido booster. I realize that since we have other problems as well, that my "head" is not in having sex, but menopause is a fact.
I hope you don’t mind a 62 yr old man replying to your post. I reply to say, our/my wife in particular, situation is several stages past where you are now with your libido feelings.
It is good to hear you still enjoy sex after you start and can have O's. I can only wish my W and I were there.
There have been a couple of threads about women that have no or little libido but still like sex and the general gist of what you say is common for some women. I hear the same thing on a radio program about relationships. Must be something about aging.
Arousal then desire or desire and then arousal, which comes first: Do you have to have libido before you initiate or even want to be intimate with your partner. NO!
There are several cases where there is no libido but the woman becomes sexually aroused. Maybe some one remembers a good thread about this subject and will post a link or do a search for doobie's benefit.
Maybe too much information (TMI) Here are some posts from women that had a good SL, had breast cancer treatments of all kinds, some very radical, they miss their old SL, feel bad about their body image to various degrees, but are willing to try things to get back to what they call the "New You." I WANT MY MOJO BACK! The thread starts out somewhat on a depressing note but gets better, so read it ti the end or start on the end of the thread and read it backwards. Sorry if this is too drastic of an example for you right now. I thought you might find some of their information useful.
Some of the lubes might help. Some women liked things like, sexy movies, scents, candles, Astroglide (sometimes just a little helps), all kinds of vitamins and supplements to minimal/very low dose hormones like Vagifem, Estring. Some work or seem to work for some people.
Several women subscribe to doing kegel exercises and/or daily masturbation and say "Try for a week...I've had pretty great results!" Toward the end of the thread the women discuss vibrators. Again, I don’t know what you are like or what is off limits. I am only providing information you "might" be able to use.
The reason I am posting this information is because my Wife/BB has a Hysterectomy, had BC, cant be on HRT ( and other problems that led to less interest in a SL) so I have experienced some of the problems but on the male side of the relationship.
I help BB as much as I can but she does not use the internet, read many books, or ask too many questions when she has medical appointments, so much of the information gathering is left up to me.
There were several posts that said having low libido or desire and then having good sexual feelings or arousal is somewhat common.
Oldtimer here on the SSM forum said this Unlike with men, going a month without sex can often lessen the desire for sex with women, at least among the women I know. This is one example that indicates the les sex/ML you engage in, sex becomes less interesting. So maybe the more often the W has sex (up to a point) the more she likes sex and thinks about sex.
What I offered is influenced by my experiences and what I have read. They may or not apply to your situation. Take what you can use. I am sure everyone here on the forum wishes you the best and will try to help you.
Anyway, welcome to the forum. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
My mom is in the same situation as yourself. It's certainly not fair that our hormonal changes can affect us so drastically is it?
True there are things out there that act as viagra for women....but just to be honest with you, nothing my mom has tried has changed her "libido".
So, what then do you do when your libido takes a nose-dive? Conciously make the effort to initiate. You know you can/do get into it once things get going....so don't wait for that spark of desire to hit you, if you do that you'll be waiting a good long time and so will your hubby....try to reframe your thinking about sex.
You know the things your H would consider to be "initiating" by now I'm sure. So make a point to think about doing those things for him.....even though your body isn't giving you those sexual signals. You can conciously recognize a good time...."tonight we don't have anything going on, we'll just be sitting around watching tv....I could go put something sexy on and do xyz"....whether that's walking up and planting a kiss on him dressed that way, nibbling his ear, plopping down on his lap. Whatever you know it is that he likes.
I think people in general get kind of side-tracked by their libido sometimes and think that there must be that "urge" to have sex....in order to have it.....especially to initiate it. That's simply not true, especially for those people who are desire after arousal, such as yourself now that hormones have affected your libido.
You definitely can still have a happy sex life and give your husband what he's wanting of you....only now you have to train your brain to think about it differently.
It may feel kind of forced for you for awhile, but remember...it takes doing something 21 times for it to become a habit. You can do this, I know you can.
Why is it so hard for women with low or no libido to think about giving great sex to their husbands. These women complain that their biology is not jump starting the thought process. But at the same time, I know that my wife thinks about EVERYTHING else. My wifes head is RACING with thoughts, even to the point she has trouble turning down the ideas so she can get to sleep. So virtually every subject DOES get into her head while sex can't? It just seems to me that thinking about pleasing your spouse should NOT require chemical intervention, all these other subjects don't.
It's comes down to literally having to reprogram someone's WAY of thinking about something...or perceiving a situation. It IS actually quite difficult for someone to conciously change their way of recognizing a situation and thinking about it.
There are Neural Psychologists/Therapists that make their living teaching people how to alter their way of thinking about things. My H went to one of these for a bit.
Let me put it this way to you. There are things within you that trigger you to think about sex. Whether it's that you view something on tv, or your W in clothing you like and that sets off the spark, or you smell something that makes you think of sex (vanilla often does this for men, or a favorite perfume), or a memory briefly goes through your mind. Something triggers that urge that stimulates your brain and your hormones and you think of SEX. Perhaps in your that also results in a physical response. Could you....not think about sex when those things happen? Probably not, for you that would be a very difficult thing to do right? However, I guarantee you, you could (if you wanted to) train your brain to think about other things when those stimuli came around.
See...for someone, like a woman who has gone through menopause, the same stimuli wouldn't produce the same results as it does in you...the chemical reaction isn't the same. The hormones that once seemed to function perfectly to create a sexual urge have changed....now, the same stimuli can produce a different result. That seems wierd to you I'm sure, you probably have a very difficult time grasping that this could be true.....because it's not that way for you, but it is that way for some people. It's often that way for women who go through menopause....not for all menopausal women, but for many of them.
So, for someone who simply doesn't get that stimuli to think about sex....thinking about sex can be quite difficult. It's not like it's a biological function of the body to live....like breathing or eating. You would die if you didn't breath or eat, but not having sex won't kill you...might drive ya nutz, but it won't kill you. So, for people who don't have that stimuli, thinking about sex has to be a concious effort. Does that mean that the woman who has to be concious about initiating doesn't "WANT" her husband....heck no! In my estimation it means she loves him and wants to make him happy. For someone with a low libido to make an absolute pre calculated concious effort to think about initiating sex with their partner is to me....an absolute expression of love. It's a very unselfish thing to do.....and a very loving thing to do.
CeMar, the other things running around your W's head are things that clutter the brain, true enough. Those things though have nothing to do with hormones and chemicals within the body. A persons' sex drive absolutely has to do with those things.
Why is it that only SEXUAL thoughts require "chemical reactions" before they occur? It's like the ONLY thoughts that don't make it into her head are the sexual ones. She even thinks about CHORES before she thinks about sex. How freaking difficult is it to think "I would LOVE to give my spouse some unbelievable physical pleasure". And yet she will be thinking about the kids, the bills, the house, ANYTHING except about pleasing the spouse. Someone once mentioned on here that being LD is the same as being self centered, and the more I watch my wife, the more I think this is true. THey don't think about sex because it's not important to them. Anything that IS important to them, they DO think about. They KNOW we want great sex, they KNOW we want a physical connection, they are reminded of it CONSTANTLY, and yet, they claim they can not THINK about sex. You can say it is the most importatn thing in your life, and yet, they can not THINK about it. No, because it is NOT about them, that is the problem.
Women who have hormones affected by things like Menopause....where their libido is affected.....aren't broken. There's nothing "wrong" with them....it's something that nature did when it made the changes in her body. It's not something she had control over.
I just want to say that because you have a history of making it sound like there is something abnormal about women who have a change in libido. Kind of like they do it on purpose. Obviously there are other things that affect a womans' libido too, like R problems. I just want you to know I'm specifically referring to hormonal changes though...just wanted to be crystal clear....as in Doobies situation.
Would it be a true statement that say that you think about sex ALL the time? What you just typed could be the way she feels about you thinking about sex. You and your wife need to sit down and you need to get it across to her that ML is very important to you and that you will not take it any longer. I would venture to guess you have not done that.
SEX is biological....chores are a freaking list of things to do! One IS chemical....one isn't.
You won't undertand this though....because you refuse to accept it. I maintain though that with you in your sitch, it's R issues. You remain your own worst enemy CeMar.
I tried to make it so you could understand....but you are more stubborn than any mule I've ever come across. Do you know why I've made progress in my R? It's because I think of ways to bring my H to me, so he feels safe to be who he is.....especially after my discovery of what he'd been doing online. You get so tied up in your resentment of your situation and your anger....there is absolutely no way your W is going to feel safe enough with you to be intimately close to you. You truly do come across to this particular woman as "I want it my way, when I want it, and how I want it"....and nothing else will do. Well man....coming across that way, you won't get what you want.
I have tried. I tell her that I want to be desired. But what the heck does that mean to a person who does not desire. She thinks that I want sex, which is NOT what I want. I want a HD women. I want the women I married.
