I was going to definitely heed that advice...that is up until this morning.
W just got back from her week in C.R. for her grad. I admit, seeing a diploma stating something to the effect of '..confer the degree of Doctor of Medicine and Surgery...' looks pretty damn cool!
Well, I totally aced the homecoming. I had set up a vase of fresh tulips. Bought a nice bottle of champagne, chilled it and set it next to the flowers next to a couple of champagne flutes. I bought a card and inside put in one of those 'romantic coupon books' that I made on the computer while she was away. Lit some teacup candles and ran to the airport to pick her up. (small town, airport only 5 minutes away )
Knocked it out of the park! It was off the hizzle my nizzle for shizzle. Or something dorky like that.
But, as I completely expected, she was tired from the day of travelling and we went to bed weary. She did say that she wanted to wait on the champagne so she could enjoy it...
So things were great. Until I woke up. I don't know where it came from, but this resentment that I have been feeling was really concentrated and I just was trying to 'go through the motions' or 'acting as if' to ensure that, as I helped her get ready for work (she works super early and I normally help her put together a breakfast, load her car up, etc), she would start the day off happy and pampered by a hubby that adores her.
But I can kid no one as I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's so easy for her to mask her feelings...I can't. I knew that the issue I'm dealing with is a tough one and I knew ambushing her on her way to work is the LAST time of the day I should pick...but she left for her hr commute and called me within 10 minutes...
...she was concerned and wanted to know what was going on. I told her that I honestly didn't feel safe to get into it and didn't think it was appropriate timing. She asked if it was about money (we are trying to buy a house, but our credit card debt is growing, not shrinking--source of stress!) and I said no, that i've never had a problem talking about money.
She knew instantly what it was about, but the fidelity issue is not something we dive into. She asked if it was about that and I said yes, but I didn't want to bring it up. I told her that we're not ready to deal with this right now, but it is a serious issue that we must address.
She said that it's been 6 weeks of the same and she needed to know what to expect and more importantly what she needed to do! I cannot deny that that was music to my ears as for the first time I felt that she was desperate to know what I needed to move on and that she was not content with just letting it fester.
I told her that it is not some checklist I can put together such that she can one by one answer and then close the book. I told her it was an irrational rollercoaster of emotions that will require patience and understanding. I told her that I hate the fact that I may possibly be accusing her of more than she ever did, but I hate more that I have a hard time trusting her.
She repeated that she needed to know what she could do because she has had no peace for 6 weeks and that's what she needs. She said that if this is never going to resolve, then why are we wasting our time? Fair question, albeit tough...
I determined at that time that although your advice here is sound, it may be more appropriate at this time to lay it all out on the table. The worst it can get me is nowhere, the best it can get me is true confidence that reconciliation can happen and then lead to it.
In a sense: She asked for it.
So I'm going to write that email. Although I admit that now that I'm at the computer, I'm drawn to journaling to you guys rather than composing this ever important letter. Writer's block? You wouldn't think so the way I bloviate!
Well..the good thing is, I'm leaving for a week to orlando so she will be able to read it ,process it, compress it, decompress it, turn it over, inspect it, rub its belly, kick it...do whatever it takes and in my absence determine what it means to her and what she wants to do with it.
)
Wish me luck?