Okay, I suppose that title may be misleading...maybe.
Here's my conundrum:
As some of you already know, my wife has now come home after a 15 month long distance R and we are putting our marriage back together. It suffered greatly. As time progressed, she started to detach and started to block out the positives in our R and dwelt on the negatives. By October, she was convinced I was a coldhearted monster, absent from the R and disinterested. I facilitated that, because I never spoke her love language (QT) and her love tank was strained when she left.
Then she found a friend who met all her emotional needs and she grew attached to him.
Fast forward.
I snooped and found out about this relationship. She stands by her words that it was merely an emotional attachment and it never went farther than that. She has also stated that she is committed to our M and wants to see things work, and her relationship with TOM (The Other Man) has been virtually cut off.
Fine. Yea! Whoopee...This is good stuff. But she still chose to get involved in one way and I have a hard time dealing with my resentment and distrust.
Furthermore, she is adamant that she wants to live for today, and look ahead for tomorrow...anytime the issue comes up, she gets frustrated and defensive and accuses me of dwelling on the issue--that it is over and she has told me all there is to tell.
Sure, I want to know certain details, such as "did you ever kiss" or "did you tell him you love him"...things like that. But what I really want to feel is that she feels regretful for this. I can forgive her only so far but if she has no regret, then how can I forgive her totally?
In moments of frustration, she continues to misinterpret what I'm trying to achieve by openly discussing this issue and putting it on the front burner when she wants it on the back. She has stated that the biggest issue in our M is ensuring that we nurture it and we continue to trust in the changes I've done in my life to speak her language. Yet that's her perspective--my biggest issue/obstacle is my distrust. As a result, if I bring this up, her defenses go straight up, regardless of how lovingly I bring it up, to the point that she has now stated, "Fine, I understand what you may be feeling, so why don't you go write up a list of all the things you want to know and I'll answer them...then that's it...we'll move on!"
Bullsh*t! That's not what I want but no matter what I say she doesn't see it.
Now, in my divorce busting techniques that I did earlier in our reconciliation, I moved the point of verbalizing my needs/wants under the auspice that you can't get what you don't ask for. Unfortunately, she is of the mindset that if you truly love someone, you should never have to ask, or else it is 'forced' and 'meaningless'. I think that's a crock, but that's what she believes, so asking her was way out of my comfort zone..but you know what? It worked.
But is this different? It is highly likely she never went beyond an emotional level of intimacy with TOM. But the only time she ever admitted it was long after I started questioning it as my gut said something was going on, and after I confronted her with damning evidence. She's since then only admitted to that which I produced as evidence. I don't trust that nothing ever happened.
I won't trust that until she comes to me without me prompting ready to tell me all without me leading with questions. Ready to tell me that she made a bad choice and understands why I'm so distraught over this. I won't trust until she tells me that I can take however long I need to grieve what happened and move on on my own timeline--to give me the permission, and make me feel comfortable with her own patience if I need reassurance. She gets so frustrated when I ask the same question twice, yet there are days when I have to ask again for reassurance.
But I have yet to tell her what I really need, only questions regarding details.
I told her today that I was indeed going to write her, but not a list...I was going to email her a long letter telling her exactly how I feel and what I needed. But I'm having second thoughts. I'm very unsure about how to handle perceived or real infidelity. I want to trust her, but I can't--yet I love her with all my heart. What is going to make me believe that a couple years down the road if I have a bad month and start slipping into my cave and become absent, she won't find herself another warm heart to have her emotional needs met in place of me??? I may have been a screw up in many areas of our marriage, but SHE made the choice to get closer to a guy the way she did. I can't be held accountable for that. But she is so aloof, appearing so resigned that because it was never her intent, that it 'just happened', she has nothing to be sorry about. I want to cry Bullsh*t, but that won't help. Sure, the feelings may have 'just happened', but it was her that fostered it and chose to pursue a closer relationship with this guy.
I feel like such a sucker. I've been 'owning' all the problems in our R and I've turned my marriage completely around single-handedly. We are planning to buy a house, take a mini-honeymoon again, and even perhaps start a family...but this resentment grows inside that she hasn't even owned up for letting herself take a 'time out' on our marriage just because things weren't right.
Do I get to do this 10 years from now after she's had some kids and doesn't want any sex from me?? Do I get to feel like, well, you weren't meeting my needs, and I never meant for that to happen, so I have nothing to be sorry about...but let's forget about it all now that I've stopped this and move forward???
I feel like my resentment and anger is growing by the day...I know that Divorce Remedy predicts this (or one of the other 5+ books I'm reading at the same time!) but I'm not clear on how to handle it appropriately.
Is it appropriate to treat this no differently and go in a respectful manner to her, in this case by email because she still can't address this in conversation without being defensive, and tell her exactly what I need from her to move forward?? It sounds like that should be common sense, but I sense so many pitfalls that I've second guessed myself into a tizzy!
I don't want to move on with my life and marriage, where all else is perfect except for this pebble in my shoe that rears its ugliness at times when I don't want it to. It will destroy what we have built!!! Yet I have to work this out WITH her, but she says I'm just dwelling, "shut up and move on..."
