Thanks White....thanks for the idea - we usually do discuss his show...I, however, cannot be glued to the radio from 5 to 10 AM! Nor, do I want to! And, here's the kicker, should there be something he really wants me to hear - he calls or IM's or emails - telling me to listen. This guy doesn't ever really give me that chance because he does it himself! Same goes with the rest of the R...now that I think of it......
I guess maybe I should say I need a different vocabulary...besides becoming a better conversationalist!! LOL Sometimes I find myself saying the same words or phrases over & over again - I need to change the WORDS that I'm saying during the conversation. It's funny, because I'm like a walking dictionary - can tell you the meaning of most any word, but have difficulties putting this wide-range of known words into practice...duh! I am working on it though. I've been running certain known answers/remarks that I say and try to come up with different responses.
Not much else new around here...SO has been in a semi-attentive mode again, although nothing new when he senses me pulling away, which I've been trying to do. Work on my detachment a bit as well as trying to distance at the same time. No easy feat.
Spring is helping me GAL...as much as I can, anyway. Part of the reason I haven't been posting!!!! I've been trying to fill up my time with various things...not much to get me out of the house, besides the yard...lol, but things to occupy my mind anyway. I feel myself almost getting an "attitude" these days...with SO and the whole sitch. Not an angry one, but an "I can't be bothered anymore" kind of attitude. Maybe just tiredness and frustration have set in. Maybe it's what I need to really let it all go....Who knows.
PS...I've got to get my schedule back to posting in the AM - no one's here at night!!!
I got the sense that what SO wanted was for you to be more open with him about your thoughts and feelings. Is that correct? If so, then talking about the radio show and worrying about word choice is not going to help much.
What he seems to want is more genuine emotional intimacy. Can you share more of yourself with honesty and openness? You can do these things without being enmeshed with him or having expectations or being manipulative. You do it with us here all the time.
Are you afraid to let him "see" you?
*Maybe* one of the big problems here is a fear of emotional intimacy (as demonstrated by this concern of his) and commitment (as demonstrated by his frustration with you not marrying him...
Quote: did SO want to marry you and you were the one not sure?
Well, he never got down on one knee or anything. Rather, when we found out I was pregnant with #3, he said let's get married - told everyone who listened that we were getting married that year. I told him (I thought in a nice way) that I didn't want to get married while I was pregnant or just to be added to his health insurance....that we should wait until after the baby came so that we do it the way we wanted without making it seem like we only did it because I was pregnant. Shortly after was when he started with OW. Previously, we had seriously discussed it on several occaisons since 2000..however, it aways seemed liked he wanted to do it the "right" way...surprise me with the ring and all that (although none of that means much to me - the big engagement ring and all - to me, the wedding band is the more important ring and it never mattered to me if I got an engagement ring or not - Thinking about it, maybe he doesn't know that) but we were always short on money....and he seems to really need the whole "engagement" and wedding to be a certain way.
Quote: What he seems to want is more genuine emotional intimacy. Can you share more of yourself with honesty and openness? You can do these things without being enmeshed with him or having expectations or being manipulative. You do it with us here all the time.
Are you afraid to let him "see" you?
*Maybe* one of the big problems here is a fear of emotional intimacy (as demonstrated by this concern of his) and commitment (as demonstrated by his frustration with you not marrying him...
This is great OT....I think both both of us have a real fear of emotional intimacy. However, is this what I should be doing at this stage? He actually said he felt like he "was talking to a brick wall" the other night...yet, when I try and open up, then I feel like I'm the one hitting the brick wall as he doesn't reciprocate. I also feel like I'm *pursuing*....not sure if I should be telling him stuff if he's involved with OW.
I have been trying to be more open...I have a hard time doing it and trying to stay un-enmeshed; or without having expectations back.
So, I should open up and *not* expect him to do the same? Or, at least not right now? I know there's a world of difference between men/women (Mars/Venus stuff)....I try to remember that just because he doesn't SAY something, doesn't mean he doesn't feel it, or that he may see things differently.
And yes, I guess I am afraid to let him "see" me; especially now. Is that wrong? Am I backwards - should I be letting him see more of me?
Upon further thinking....I actually used to keep a lot of what I felt inside. Especially once his radio career took off. There are people out there who will do anything to be with him just because he's on the radio. He's got literally thousands of people who gush over him all the time. People constantly telling him he's great....he can do no wrong....I used to get annoyed with it. I saw a different side of him...he took out the garbage, burped & snored and got pooped on by the baby - he was just SO to me - for a while, his head got sooo big due to all this adoration.....I didn't know how to deal with it, so I took the opposite stance.
Instead of telling him how great I thought he was doing (which inside I really was proud of him), I never said anything - I didn't want to be like everyone else. I know that may not make sense...and I know it led to this whole mess....I always felt that if I said he was great, it wouldn't mean anything to him because everyone else always told him the same thing.
He actually said he felt like he "was talking to a brick wall" the other night...yet, when I try and open up, then I feel like I'm the one hitting the brick wall as he doesn't reciprocate. I also feel like I'm *pursuing*....not sure if I should be telling him stuff if he's involved with OW.
OK, so you understand his brick wall feeling validate it. Then share your own experience, just like you did with us in that quote above...
This whole realization of how I failed to champion SO and validate him when it was so very vital to our R - well, it's just opened a floodgate in my mind. I've been crying about it and recollecting everything....
I feel like a heel. Not that I ever did anything mean or spiteful towards SO, rather I did nothing . Which is worse, I wonder? And, yeah, I'm beating myself up pretty good over this.
It was so hard....we live in a semi-suburban, mostly rural area, he's a big fish in a medium pond. So let me tell you some of things I had to endure when out in public with him - everything from women asking for their t!ts to be signed, being asked to join in 3somes, women coming up to me in bathrooms after I've peed (and before washing my hands) asking me if they could shake my hand just because they knew I was SO's "wife". Women buying him drinks, having bartenders giving him notes telling him to look in a certain direction and they would flash him; girls dedicating & singing songs to him at karaoke; Men/women coming up to me in the grocery store (even still to this day) questioning me about him; naked pictures in our mailbox; cops following us home just to get his autograph; harassing/threatening emails to my personal account from girls/crazy girls boyfriends - crazy, crazy crap.
We'd be in Wal-mart trying to x-mas shop or whatever, people would come up and start talking to him - and he would never say NO to them. He would tell me - you go finish shopping while I talk....this kind of stuff is OK on an occaisional basis, but this happens DAILY. I'm not exaggerating - it's even worse now with his popularity having grown so much.
It got on my nerves so bad....how many times was it OK to shove our personal R to the side? Miss the movie because he was talking to a fan; be late to our daughters event because we stopped at the gas station and a fan started talking to him; smile pretty when some pig was shoving her phone # into his pocket? Be left sitting at the bar alone while he was off talking to some rednecks? Yes, I know - these people put the food on our table. Yes, I know - he thought these types of girls were pigs and he didn't do anything with them. It was just hard. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a "real" stars W/GF. I mean, he's even got real stars calling him! One's that were just starting out at the same time he was and they remember him and they call him!!
I'm sorry - I had to get that out. It probably doesn't mean a whole lot anymore. Now the fans that come up to me ask me how I'm holding up after the split.
In my defense, I thought I was helping to keep him grounded. I was with him BEFORE he was in radio...he got arrogant and his head swelled up the size of Texas the more successful he got.
I wonder now if it's too late to repair the damage. How do I go about undoing all the years of neglect?
The first thing you can do is tell your SO that you realize that you have done this and how bad it makes you feel.
Both of you have to learn to adjust to this life style. It does not come with a manual just like marriage or motherhood does not. We make mistakes along the way and learn from them.
Though it all sounds over the top for me since he is only a DJ not a movie star. I don't doubt what you are saying. We had a couple of guys that came to a local radio station here a few years back. And on air they sounded funny witty and very sexy girls were always calling in. I thought man these guys must be hot. When they started making commercials for there show I about fell over with how god aweful ugly these two were. I mean one had redish curly looking hair and was well overweight. If that could attract all the attention he was getting I can believe that you have to endure alot if your SO is even mildly attractive.
But NM the failure to support was two sided it does not sound like your SO took the time to make you feel secure that his fans where not more important to him then you. And though these people are putting the food on his familys table it does not sound as if he made sure his family came first. It sounds like you both need to learn how to balance out the situation. But this just my opinion.
That's just it, no one really comprehends the amount of attention he receives as "just a DJ". Family members, both his & mine, as well friends from our days from before he was on air - they could never believe it. Until they saw it when out with us. Then they were completely shocked. They always thought he was BSing when he would tell stories about the crazy things - until they lived it firsthand.
The things I said in my post, that's just the tip of the iceberg. At Christmas time, I cannot even tell you how much stuff we get from listeners - for him, me - our kids. I usually end up donating most of the stuff, we just can't keep it all. When he would talk about our life together on air, all he had to do was mention that he liked Nascar driver A and I liked B - the next day, we'd get tix to races; nascar memorabilia - it goes on and on. We get food - I throw it in the garbage - I'm not eating anything some people I don't know have made!! It could be poisoned for all I know. LOL When the last 2 kids were born, I got more baby stuff from his listeners than I did at my baby shower. No kidding.
About a month ago, the county clerks office called here to verify something - the girl asked me "Is this SO's RadioName house?", I said yes. She started gushing and blah, blah, blah, then the good old - "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone where you live." So, that's always in the back of my head - the stalkers. They're out there - for real. Stuff appears in our mailbox, crazy stuff.
It's scary sometimes - because his real name and his radio name are different. For someone to find his real name, they went through a lot of trouble. Even now - posting on this site I get concerned that someone will figure out who we are. It could probably be done. That bothers me.
And as you said, it's not like he's a major movie star or singer (and by me saying that, I am by no means putting him or his job down in any way) I'm just saying I can't comprehend this level of "stardom" that he's attained in such a small locale - I can't even imagine what Elvis & Priscilla went through!
But, all this is neither here nor there, I guess. What's important is that you're right, neither one of us handled his success properly. He did put the listeners first at times. Still does. Be nice now and reap the rewards later, he would say.
And it did (does) make me feel left out, ignored, and last on his list. Thus, I reacted in my negative way - completely ignoring his need for validation. What a mess.
It is not a mess that cannot be cleaned up. You have taken a major step you have not only recognized something that you have done in the past that was not the best choice you have also recognized why. Seems to me that makes the fixing it easier. The first step I think would be to talk to your SO explain to him you realize this and also explain why you believe that you reacted as you did and that in the future you plan on being more supportive as best as you can under the circumstances.
