From where I am sitting I think you are doing a great job. I don't think going black is what you need maybe just a little more distance. Not so much availableness.
Maybe while you are gone you can shoot him a simple email that for easter you are thinking of you and the kids doing ++++++++ (insert what ever you were thinking about). Since he does not seem to have any plans for the kids you are going to go ahead and make arrangements so they have a great easter.
I was thinking about how your SO said, that figures when he asked if you heard whatever on his radio show.
I was thinking about his complaints in the past, you not calling him during the day, not showing interest in him etc.
I was thinking about how you realized that you were always a bit more attached and he was always the clingy one.
It gets very tiresome to be the one always pursuiting and very invalidating as well. Whereas a young OW would feed his ego and chase after him.
I think SO really loves you. I know that you want to deal with the relationship problems that existed before his insanity hit.
I think you're doing an awesome job at detaching. I think you're donig an awesome job of keeping your mouth shut. I think you're doing fantastic not answering the phone all the time.
Now, to tip the scales...I don't recommend pursuiting him at all. I do recommend listening to his radio show.
Next time you have a normal conversation you can just ask him a question about soemthing he said, or perhaps tell him you laughed when he mentioned whatever.
Don't pursuit him, but when he comes to you, reward him by letting him know that your interested in him, in an unemotional unclingy way.
Since your SO's a DJ--- what inspired this post was the Grateful Dead song, High time. It's the second track on Workingman's Dead.
You are pissed at SO because he won't commit to invisible plans that you have and want him to care about. Instead of asking him about what he is doing, why don't you talk about yourself and what you are doing.
SO, I am finalizing my Easter plans. if you can commit right now to doing something with the kids on Sunday and want to do so, I can have them here between (whatever hours). Otherwise, we will be elsewhere.
Had a bad weekend. So, beware - long post ahead! Got into a scuffle with my sister on Saturday night, nothing I really feel like going into detail about. In the end, I ended up getting either pushed or hit (not sure, it all happened so quickly), and ended up with a black eye.
This put the ki-bosh on going to SO's sisters baby shower...well, I could have gone, was actually looking for an excuse to get out of it, lol.
Anyway, I only bring it up because it then involves SO. Now Friday, he had left a message after he got out of work, I never heard the phone ring (for real, lol) and he left a really long, very nice message...including that he missed talking to me (no, no - not the elusive he missed ME, but oh well)....Saturday morning I emailed him when we left, then he called me as we were driving. It took me almost 3.5 hours to get there, had stops to make and traffic. He asked me to call when I got there.
Sunday morning I checked my voice mail and there was another message from him from about 2 AM when he got out of work, again saying he missed talking to me, he knew he couldn't get me (no cell service where I was) but that he wanted to leave me a message and said he would be at my house doing work in the garage on Sunday. I called him back and left him a message only telling him that I wasn't going to the shower and thanking him for his nice voice mail from the night before.
When I got home, he took one look at my eye and asked what happened. I lied and said I was my usual klutzy self. I'm actually not even sure HOW it happened...so it wasn't exactly an untruth. Later on, he ran to the store with D7 - I'm not sure if he questioned her or something, but he called me up irate - asking me what really happened. I broke down and told him. Now, this is nothing new for my sister to get drunk and start fighting with people. But SO jumped all over me and it really hurt me and pissed me off at the same time.
When he got here, I went to the garage and started yelling why I got involved in her problems - wouldn't even give me a chance to explain anything. Then he made some smart ass remarks about me and if I was drunk (no) and where our kids were (in the house sleeping); and who was there (as if I was with another man). I finally got so angry I said I wasn't going to take this kind of crap from a liar and a cheat, that I was not perfect and if he couldn't accept that, then he could stay with little miss perfect OW. He asked me why I lied about it in the 1st place and I told him it was because I knew how he was going to react. Then I said I wasn't going to discuss it and went into the house.
From that point on, he was just so angry and was acting really childish and giving me the silent treatment. I didn't even care. I just wondered exactly what was making him angry - that I was hit; about my sister - I can't figure it out. I knew that he wasn't really mad at ME, but that he was taking it out on me. I say this because BEFORE, I never would have tried to think about what was making him angry. I would have just argued back with him about it and made things worse. This time, I was trying to do it differently.
When he left, still all mad, he called a little while later and only spoke with D7 - still gave me the silent treatment. Then told D7 that she should ask me if she could stay over at his apartment tonight and go to work with him Tuesday. I emailed him that I was really upset and very hurt by how he was treating me, especially when he didn't have the whole story. I told him I wasn't expecting him to "understand" but that I had hoped he would have at least been on my side. I said "I got that very nice VM from you Saturday night and now I have to face your anger and sarcasm and it really bothers me."
He emailed me back with a smart ass "Whatever". I didn't even bother to reply - it was too childish for me, I wasn't about to get drawn into his angry world. I just went to bed.
This morning, once again - silent treatment. I didn't let it bother me - I knew he was going to be like that. Later on, I had no choice but to email him, telling him "If this was the way you're going to act and not talk to me, then it's fine by me. I need diapers."
About noon, I still hadn't heard from him, so I called his cell...got VM. I left a message that said I didn't know whether he was still acting childish and avoiding my call, but I needed know whether he was getting the diapers or not and if he could just text me if he didn't want to talk me. So that I knew if I had to go to the store or not. I added again that he was being very childish and I was still hurt by his attitude. He called back about 10 minutes later and told me that he had been in getting the diapers when I called.
When he got here, the first thing he said to me was "How am I being childish?" I looked at him and he went on "I emailed *my 16 year old nephew* to warn all those guys that he was PO'd." I said, "SO - he wasn't even there. He knows nothing about this. The only people that were there were Me, Sis, Friend. I said Nephew doesn't need to know about this because it was about him & Nephew12." And I almost started crying. He said OH.
A few minutes later he came back and told me that he unsent the email. I looked at him and said "thank you. This whole fight was all about the kids." After that, the day was better. We seemed to get past it. He was out in the garage finishing up the brake job he was doing and asked if I could help him. While I was helping him, he asked if D7 could come over. I asked "Will OW be there?" He said NO, why would she? I said, "I had to ask." I know I should not have asked that question, but as far as I'm concerned, if OW is still part of his life, WE need to discuss that kind of scenario BEFORE D7 gets involved.
Anyway...he just called and was a little short with me. I have no idea why. I'm not going to let it bother me. I just don't understand.
So that was my weekend. I put that stuff in there because I want to point out how MY reaction to SO changed. The old me would have instantly flown off the handle to SO about his behavior towards me. My email to him about being hurt by his reaction is also something completely opposite of how I would have handled it in the past. I really do think it was the right thing to do, and it probably caught him by surprise as well. Instead of arguing with him about it, I told him why I was upset. Very different for me, and I think it helped. Not only did I not fight with him about it, but I gave him my reasons and told him I didn't like how he was treating me. I'm sure I could have said it better, but at least it was something different!
NM, I'm sorry that you had such a rough weekend. I'm glad that you feel that you controlled your emotions to a significant extent.
I'm also sure that you don't need me to point out that you would have been better off not calling him a liar and a cheat, talking about the OW, or pointing out to him how childish he was. None of that will help you get him back, and making judgmental comments is not good for any relationship.
I hope the next few days go better for you -- and that your eye heals quickly.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
This is great. You guys are trying to work it out.
I don't think it was cool to lie to your SO about the black eye. By you not telling him the truth he thought of the worst case scenario...why didn't she tell me the truth, another guy must have been involved etc.
There's enough lies in this R from his end.
Let's try to stop that.
You guys are doing really well! I'm happy with all the communication and trying so hard!
From that point on, he was just so angry and was acting really childish and giving me the silent treatment. I didn't even care
I did'nt even care? Hmmm that is not what the rest of your post indicates. He gives you the silent treatment and you text and call him. Which prior to this you only responded to his calls or texts if I have read your past post correctly. That indicates that you did care and did not like it. So you tried opening the lines of communication back up with what ever reason you could find. I have been guilty of this in the past
All three of you each brought up really good points, thank you. I knew I wasn't handling the situation as ideally as it could have been handled (meaning while I was in the middle of it). That's why I left the garage before I said anything further....
I was thinking about it last night and this is the first real argument we've had since the day I came back from Florida, back in late February. How I handled it shows just how much more I need to work on my reactions.
You did ok. I know from your perspective it seems like you did great. It's funny, we post here sometimes stuff that for US, knowing our history and usual behavior, seems like a major breakthrough, only to have people come down on us (and I mean that in a constructive way). I think it's those moments, when WE think we did really well but from an outsiders perspective, we still have work to do, that we learn the most from each other. It's why honest posting is so helpful.
I think it's good that you were able to argue and then get past it. Maybe that's something that in the past you would not have done so easily. I also commend you for trying to see the argument from his point of view.
As for what happened, oddly enough, I EVEN THOUGHT there was another guy involved or that SO hit you because somehow my eye went to the "black eye" part and jumped to conclusions. Like WL or Chrissy said (I think), there is enough lies floating around to lie about something like that. I think OT suggests to us that we not try to manage the emotions of others, and I think this includes holding back the truth, especially truth like this, just because you THINK you know how they'll react.
Again, I think overall, while certain parts of what you did could have been handled better (especially don't like the "childish" remarks) this can be a good learning experience and positive in the end.
GH
P.S. I'm still a little unsure why SO would get mad at YOU for your sister hitting you. Have you always been the one to start these things or something? Does he think you're wrong in what you and your sis fight about?
Sorry you had such a tough weekend. To be honest, it sounds like both of you spent the weekend sticking your tongues out at each other, lol. But, on the bright side, you did work through it without a major battle :-)
With respect to D staying over, I certainly think it was appropriate for you to ask if OW would be there. Maybe when he asked why, you could have given him the complete direct answer you posted here: "because the two of us need to talk to D together to prepare her if something like that is going to happen." I'm not sure why you feel as though you shouldn't ask about such a thing with your D involved. What you want to avoid is a situation in which he is sneaking around introducing D and OW...
Now, my real point... I'm not sure how much that discussion had much to do with D at all. I think it was about you trying to ask for reassurance that OW is out of the picture and SO trying to give you that reassurance.
If that rings true, then maybe it is time to simply do this directly. "SO, a few times I've felt you are trying to tell me that things over over between you and OW. I'm not sure, though, that is what you meant or what I want to hear."
