Quote: I think it was the perfect opportunity to address the topic directly in terms of what you want -- he brought it up. "SO, no, I'm still confused about what is going on. If you could be direct with me about what is going on with OW and us in your head, that would be helpful."
"Was" was the word - I, too, almost felt like it was the right moment, but, like GH, I didn't feel "I" was ready for that kind of talk yet. Maybe I'm scared of his answer, I don't know. I feel like I'm reeling in a fish that's only nibbling on the bait - the hook isn't actually in....know what I mean? There just hasn't been "enough" from SO to warrant that kind of talk - yet. He knows what I want. I have no doubt about that. If OW is indeed out of the picture...or on her way out....I'm not about to start pushing him, too. I've waited this long, I can wait a bit more.
I look at like this....sometimes it helps keep things in perspective for me...if we're going to be together for 50 years....would I want to spend those 50 years in a mediocre R? Or can I get through 2 years (or so!! LOL) of hell in order to have 48 years of honest, good happiness? Call me the odd duck - but I'll go thru the hell to get to the other side. Thru the fog to get to the sunshine!!
Quote: Maybe I'm scared of his answer, I don't know. I feel like I'm reeling in a fish that's only nibbling on the bait - the hook isn't actually in....know what I mean? There just hasn't been "enough" from SO to warrant that kind of talk - yet. He knows what I want. I have no doubt about that. If OW is indeed out of the picture...or on her way out....I'm not about to start pushing him, too. I've waited this long, I can wait a bit more.
OR, we could look at it this way (if you are a dark minded person who's watched Prison Break one too mant times).
If you were facing a death sentence and they said you could have a few more weeks, AND you got to eat your favorite meal, albeit not really cooked the way you like, and do some fun things that you haven't gotten to do while on death row, wouldn't you say "yea, I'll take that deal."
Point is that hell yes NM and I are putting off something that COULD be "death" to us in terms of WAS telling us that OP is alive and well in their life but I am willing to accept that denial (can you accept denial?) for a little more peace in my life...for NOW. Like I said, for me, this is NOT a permamant "head in the sand" situation. It's more like NM said in that the time is just not right, but it will need to be sometime sooner rather than later.
Of course my analogy fails when we realize that in our sitch, we can just walk away from the "sentence" at any time but oh well, no analogy is perfect...lol.
I agree OT, only when the time is right.....I really do not believe this is the time. Jumping the gun could result in scaring him away again. He hasn't done anything to give me any inclination whatsoever that he wants to come back into a committed R with me yet, right?
Building true intimacy can't come until there's an R to build on, right? Sure - I guess I can temperature check now....any suggestions?
Not much here today. SO called late last night after he got out of work...I was actually up watching tv, I had gone to bed but woke up from a bad dream...don't remember all the details, but think it had to do with the exorcist and OW's face was there instead of Linda Blairs. Shook me up. We talked for probably 15 minutes, kind of long for us at 1 AM. We were mostly talking about how much he is working...he's burning out quickly, among other things.
He said he would be coming out here today to see us, as we're going away this weekend and he didn't like the thought of coming here tomorrow (he has to get his truck & trailer for a Saturday night gig) with me & the kids not being here. I took it that he meant he didn't want to come to an empty house, as oppposed to not coming here because he didn't live here anymore...at least that was the impression he gave me.
Today my sister sent me an article about a family of one of her schoolmates, we all grew up together and my SO even knows them, anyway - the wife and 3 young children died in a house fire. Teribly sad...the kids were similar ages to mine. I sent it to SO, as he knows the family as well, and it kind of started a little talk between us about what we want if we were to die...I put it quite bluntly and reminded him of where I want to be buried should something happen....sad, but reality that a whole family can be wiped out in one instant.
Such a sad story! It really does drive home how short life can be.
I really haven't posted much regarding your sitch (in fact, I don't think I have posted at all), but I have been closely following it. I must tip my hat to you, because you are doing so well in dealing with the sitch. You truly are an inspiration for a lot of people on here and to me specifically. I have a feeling that no matter what happens, you will be a much better person. Thank you for posting religiously and relating your experiences.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks PARob, May I ask where in PA? I grew up in the Poconos. And thanks for your words....don't know if you'll find me so inspiring after this post...lol
Anyway - Mr. Don'tPinMeDownToAnything was here...just left, as a matter of fact. Good thing, too. And this is THE prime example of why I won't ask any questions at this point.
The whole sad story from this morning must have prompted some instinct in me...well, I blatantly asked SO to come out here for things other than to just get his truck... Yeah - I wanted some damned comfort! And got it. That wasn't the problem.
Later on, we're eating lunch, chit-chatting away comfortably - talking about the weekend, his work, etc...I asked him "What are your Easter plans?". His answer - "I don't know." PULLLLEEEEAAAZZZE!!! It's one frickin' day - a holiday and you can't make up your about what you want to do? This is all in my head, BTW - I said nothing out loud. Yes, I know - there was any number of things I could have said, I chose not to. I was a little angry and feared I wouldn't be able to control it. "If you don't have anything good to say - don't say anything at all." was running thru my head.
Moral of this story? If he can't make up his mind about one day - I am in no way going to start asking about "US"...lol. Perhaps NOW is the time for me to do some serious, serious goal-setting and time to turn off the light switch and go dark. I mean really, really dark. So damned dark - I'm taking out all the light bulbs and throwing them away so even if I'm tempted to turn the lights on to see where I'm going I won't be able to. What do ya'all think?
Argh!
PS - here's another little "thing". He also needed contacts. He ripped one of his. I just looked. He only took 2. Not ALL of them like a normal person who doesn't live here anymore would do!!!!
Originally from the Western part of the state, near Pittsburgh, relocated to the York area about 7 years ago.
As for inspiration, I really think you're post demonstrates exactly what more of us need to do. My problem...I have those same thoughts and rather than supressing them, I tend to let them out. In my defense, I have gotten much better....but nowhere near where I need to be. But I think you have it right on.....he obviously isn't ready to focus on the forest if he can't even see the trees.
As for going dark, I wonder whether that is the answer in your case. I guess I question motivations at this point in all aspects. What is your motivation in going dark? Is it to, hopefully, force a reaction from your SO? If so, you may want to reconsider.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
It's taken me a real long time to be able to control my reactions. That was SO's biggest thing with me. I'd make sarcastic remarks or gt instantly angry. True, after I calmed down or already said not so very nice things, I would usually have a different reaction...but the initial one was what always caused problems.
These days I sometimes err on the side of caution, not saying things that perhaps SHOULD be said, but I still think it's better than what I used to do.
And funny thing is, I KNOW when he expects my "old" reaction and I sometimes have fun with reacting differently.
Going dark is something I've had in the back of my mind for a while, since he's still so indecisive. However, YES, today my motivation is out of frustration! I'll be honest.
Ahh, yes. Frustation, that wonderful LBS feeling that creeps in at any given moment. Amazing how it can make us do or feel things we never thought capable. I don't think I've ever said (mostly to myslef) I can't handle this anymore. Of course, I wake up every day, still "handling" it. :-)
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Yeah - I wanted some damned comfort! And got it. That wasn't the problem. 
