OT, don't worry....I have no inclination right now to have him move back...sorry if it may have come across that way somehow.

I mean - of course, the ULTIMATE goal is for us to be back together, live together, and marriage....I know that we are no where near that point right now. Hell, we're no where near ANYTHING right now...just sorting out the confusion! There would be lots that would have to happen....A...then B, then C, all the way down to about...XYZ before we ever reached the moving back in stage!!! LOL One step at a time.

Right now, we're at the stage where he's got to decide what it is he wants. I have to live my life, without him in it, maybe never to be in it as a romantic partner again. If him living on his own, if you can call it that, is a productive means to the end, then it is something I can live with. And, if it turns out that it is THE END, then I've already passed some of the more difficult hurdles.

With him living on his own - he has no one to blame but himself for the things in his life. He can't use me as a scapegoat and I've seen how it's changed things overall. He takes more responsibility for the "bad" things that happen to him now. Before, "I" was in the way - I'm not in the way anymore and he has to look at himself.

OK - that part was written earlier today before I saw the next posts from GH & OldTimer.

Anyway....SO has never said he doesn't love me....my sitch, I think IS more about getting married, with a whole lot of MLC and childhood abandonment issues thrown in. SO has never stopped being in any kind of contact with me, wanting to ML; do family things with me. His very, very public job makes "cheating" practically impossible. I believe he told me about the A because I would have found out in any number of ways.

Add to this the fact that we have children without being married bothers both of us - very, very deeply. Our whole entire R seems to have happened backwards. And how we got here, 10 years later, with 3 kids without being married - I can't honestly say how it happened. Besides moving all around the country. When we finally settled here...it's been 5 years that we've lived in this area, things finally started to come together...we started seriously talking marriage, then something happened that made us start talking about another baby. Somehow we decided upon another baby...our oldest was almost 4 at the time and we didn't want to wait any longer. So we had #2. Putting off marriage again. Then we decided to buy a house....then baby #3 unexpectedly comes along. And...here we are today.

Neither one of had very good role models growing up. Both of our parents marriages ended in divorce...for 2 very different reasons. Mine, my father was an abusive alcoholic. My mother loved him despite it and I believe she only divorced him to be able to legally collect money from him to support us. Even after their divorce, they remained together, living together as husband & wife for about another 10 years.

SO - his mother blamed her pregnancy on the man she was with and got him to marry her. The result - SO. She ended up leaving about 7 years later, LEFT ALL 3 KIDS (my SO & his younger sis & bro) when she left to go have an affair with her sisters ex-husband. Literally left the young children, they were about 7, 5, and 3 when she left. I believe this has a lot to do with SO's marriage issues. Then as a teenager, SO found out the man he called his father wasn't his biological one...and so the impact from that was also devastating to him.

I don't know why I'm getting into all this. Not sure how it got brought on. lol
Anyway, back to the current day...my SO is so unsure of what he wants....he wants to get married, but is deathly afraid of it. So much that he automatically believes getting married equals divorce. I don't think he's ever learned how to work through problems. Not with his family, friends, me...running away seems to be his answer. And I think he's expected me to abandon him by now. And because I haven't, it confuses him even more. Instead, I'm trying to get to the root of the problems and find their solutions. And yes - sometimes I do the wrong things. I am struggling with what he wants from me....just like he's struggling with his own demons. And you're correct, OT, I'm not trying to maintain that we are still in a committed R - I am trying to let him go "BE" and work through this on his own.

I hope this makes sense. It may not have anything do with your replies, lol - I'm trying to respond while SO is outside...I'll have to come back and read over again later.

Last edited by Michele; 04/06/06 02:55 PM.