Anyway, I wonder about something you often say to me and now NM.
Quote: But, right now, there is no "us" between NM and SO that would make having a shared residence appropriate.
I agree to a certain point, but that is akin to saying that there is no "us" between SO and his OW or my W and her OM. Of course there is an "us" between then even though there are circumstances preventing them from marrying, etc, just like there is an "us" between my W and I, it's just not the kind of "us" that includes sex or other physical expressions of love. That does NOT mean there is no expression of love and that on some level our M/R is still viable albeit not desirable to me right now.
What I am getting at is that, and lets take Tim's case assuming you are somewhat familiar with it, some WAS just go, don't look back and only communicate when necessary EVEN if they continue to live at home. Tim's W was like that, and she lived in the same house but was ACTIVLY carrying on the A, throwing it in his face, constantly talking about the M being over, etc. In THIS case, and many others like it, I agree, there is no R or M to speak of and the LBS should feel no obligation to act as if there is. It is a mistake to keep going on pretending there is a marriage as a LBS when clearly, verbally, activly and in every other imaginable way the WAS is moving on as if there was not one. It is important to say that I don't think simply having an affair constitutes this "moving on".
In my case, and NM's case, our WAS are NOT flaunting their A's and I also believe, like my W, SO has not said he wants a "divorce" as it were. Again, NM correct me if I am wrong, but he, and my W have for the most part, maintained SOME kind of civility through all this. Now, I full realize we are talking about cheaters here, who by their nature are somewhat uncivil in their actions and I do NOT condone their actions nor do I minimize their affect on the M.
So, in my sitch, and possibly NM's, the idea of there being NO R is not entirely correct. Sure, there is currently no romantic relationship, but there is an R and even to some extent, a M so much as one without sex can be (and how many millions of THOSE are there). That leads to your last comment.
Quote: Imagine the coworker you don't want to be friends with buying a *pair* of season tickets to the theatre just in case you change your mind...
Exactly, my W and NM's SO are both already our friends and have not ruled out a romantic relationship so I think it's entirely appropriate to say "I have these tickets if you decide you want to go to some games with me. If not, I'll go with someone else..."
In short, I really embrace a comment you made to me a long time ago (lol); [paraphrase] Don't be more in the relationship than they are. I believe the reverse of that is true as well; Don't be more OUT of the relationship than they are either.
Of course, all this assumes that the A is not raging on and that our WAS ARE somewhat working back towards the R.
