WOW OT, care to name names, lol. Some days I suppose I am one of those, most I hope I am not. I did find something new, or rather a clarification on something you have said to me often, that will let me clarify something I do...lol. Was that complicated?
Anyway,
Quote: To really respect someones feelings that is pushing you away, you need to give them at least as much distance as they are taking from you.
I really like the way you put this. You have told me and others to quit being in a romantic R that doesn't exist, etc. I don't know if that's the exact quote or even the right idea but this idea of participating, or being as close/far as they are from you is interesting. I think, and I should now ask NM to pardon the hijack, I really have been doing this and I just didn't know how to explain it. When my W first told me all this stuff and was REALLY distant and totally unavailable to me, I was to her as well as much as I could be. As she started to warm up, so did I. As she started to become more comfortable with physical contact, I was too. I don't think I really was "more in the relationship" on the surface than she was. Now, in my head, and in my posts here, I struggled with ideas and feelings that suggested I was WANTING to be more in the R than she was, but I think I have done a reasonably good job of NOT being what I wanted to be. Make sense?
It's like this in my sitch. My W continues to do things for me around the house, when she's out, etc. She does things for me when I ask or without asking. Through all this I have just responded in kind with similar amounts of consideration. To do otherwise would have been unproductive in my opinion.
Anyway, this post really got me thinking as most of yours do. Thanks. Feel free to strap on the boots and kick me if need be. I can take it.
Lol, don't worry GH, I think you are doing pretty well these days.
One thing to think about, though, is to maybe try to take half a step toward W for every step she takes toward you.
Again, think about the person in the office. They've really been leaving you alone, they moved down the hall so you don't feel their eyes on you when you go to lunch... They go on vacation and come back upbeat and positive, refreshed. You decide to give them a chance and ask them to lunch. You have a good lunch. Then, the very next day, they invite you. Can you feel your stomach clench? Maybe after a few days if they'd invited you to join the gang for a beer, that would have been OK. But, another one-on-one lunch immediately??? *Crowding.*
No apologies necessary for the hi-jack, GH. It makes me feel special! But hey - aren't you supposed to be working??? LMAO
And OT, I do have a response to you - just that kids are wanting attention - how dare they!!! - so, I will post later after I get a few minutes to myself!
But in short - your words & advice are definitely respected and looked forward to. By many.
You know I worry (even though I have come to feel worry as a completely useless pursuit, just hard to give up). I'm always afraid of being "that" person you so aptly describe. As a matter of fact, I am going to copy and paste that description to my thread. I really think it should be pinned to the top of every board here as the perfect example of WHY we don't want to beg, plead and pursue even though we feel so certain it will work. It is a wonderful illustration, different enough to work as true analogy but similar enough to sting a bit. I really think everyone should read that post.
For me, It sucks to realize that you ARE that person, and I TRULY was, but when I saw this (when the bombs fell, I saw right away this neediness was a big reason why), I IMMEDIATLY changed. I find myself slipping back now and then, and actually, your post made me realize that I am doing a little TOO much for my W right now. I am beyond loving and considerate and back to that guy a little bit. Indeed, I will take those half steps and I will start by taking one backwards. I think it will help.
Thanks again you steel toed boot wearing taskmaster!
GH
P.S. Well, the busy time was short lived...maybe busy again later but right now a lull. Thanks for worrying NM
OT, I just wanted to jump in here and thank you for sharing the annoying co-worker analogy here. It really makes sense, and got a point across to me that I think I needed to receive. A very clever way to put it, and really quite perfect, since there aren't many ways that that idea could be expressed. I see myself in there, totally, and will use your analogy to try to overcome it. Thanks so very much.
Quote: You sound great :-) My guess is that SO is trying to reassure you that he is not with OW without communicating that directly...
Not even gonna go there...I think at this stage of the game, it would be remiss of me to think so - I would think a wise oldtimer like you would tell me that!! I really have no idea. And, here's another "bizarre" thing...today he asked me if I wanted another dog (we had one, but had to get rid of it when things got crazy here, and with the addition of our 3rd baby - I just couldn't take care of everyone!)...anyway - he asks me this morning - WTH? My response - "you make the call on the dog". It's a fixed and housebroken chocolate lab...just what our cat will love! LOL
Quote: Anyway, please pardon me while I vent a bit... After a very long absence, I've been around here too much watching people bang their heads against the wall and it is taking its toll on me.
OT, I personally think the fact that you even take the time to come back and help out and offer your wonderfully straightforward advice & input is awesome. However, you can't be everyone's savior. The decision to come here is yours alone....you're pregnant ... you have your own life.....marriage...and all that goes with it. And that's great, BTW!!!
I think there is a lack of "oldtimers" around here...or maybe because we aren't in "Piecing" or another forum - maybe we don't see them. It may be that once people get over the hurdle, get past the pain and start living their lives again (regardless of whether reconciled or divorced), they don't have the time to come back and post as much as they did at the beginning when their R was the only thing on their mind.
And there's just so many people here on the board. Where do you start? How much time do you spend? I know with myself, it's sometimes hard for me to post on my own thread, let alone others. Not because I don't want to, I just can't sometimes. So, I've picked a few that I follow, offering words when I can, just reading & following along when I can't (Hear that RB? LOL).
Quote: I'm just fed up the last few days watching people chase their tails, or better, watching dogs chase cats thinking that's the secret of getting along with cats. In truth, it is exceedingly frustrating because some things become so obvious and it is painful watching people hurt themselves. And, I'm pretty impatient these days, probably thyroid stuff, so my tolerance is about shot for watching people shoot themselves in the foot and then proceed to shoot the other foot because they somehow think it won't damage them the second time.
We'll just blame it on the pregnancy!! LOL But, once again, I think this goes back to no real guidance on the board. We're all here, doing what we're doing - not really knowing WTF to do or not to do! And then again, there's those people who are looking for "advice" only to never take it. They just keep doing what they THINK is supposed to be DBing and they're actually very far from doing so. I'm guilty of that myself. Twisting things around (to myself) to make it seem like I'm DBing, when it takes someone like you to point out that I'm really NOT doing it by the book. Then again....I think back to the time when I first found myself in this situation...jeez! I wonder if going thru all that "crazy" stuff helps to get to the point where you can DB effectively. You finally "hear" what you don't want to, know what I mean?
Anyway, I hope you stick around....but if you don't, it's perfectly understandable. We'll all miss you! But I don't think you're gonna be able to tear yourself away!! LOL At least not until your baby comes....then we'll be getting advice at all hours of the night!
Quote: And then again, there's those people who are looking for "advice" only to never take it. They just keep doing what they THINK is supposed to be DBing and they're actually very far from doing so.
I'm with y'all on this one big time. I want to pull my hair out for those people who think that DB'ing only means putting a smile on their face and waiting for their S to end the A and come back.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: I'm with y'all on this one big time. I want to pull my hair out for those people who think that DB'ing only means putting a smile on their face and waiting for their S to end the A and come back.
I really have no idea. And, here's another "bizarre" thing...today he asked me if I wanted another dog (we had one, but had to get rid of it when things got crazy here, and with the addition of our 3rd baby - I just couldn't take care of everyone!)...anyway - he asks me this morning - WTH? My response - "you make the call on the dog". It's a fixed and housebroken chocolate lab...just what our cat will love! LOL