Quote: I'd say it's time to take a day or weekend off and have some fun. It sounds like all of your energy is being sapped by spinning around in circles. Put all of this to the side. How is the painting going? What is the weather supposed to be like this weekend?
Relax, smile, get a pedicure, Oldtimer
Yeah - I'd say so too! My sis, niece & mother are coming up tomorrow. D7 has a rollerskating party tomorrow evening, so me & sis are going with niece (6); it will be a BLAST! I haven't been on rollerskates since high school!! Back in the day, I used to be pretty darned good! Could never get used to rollerblades, I'm the 80's roller queen! LMAO
And, as my mom will be here to babysit!!! - I may try & get my sister to go out somewhere Saturday night.
SO was here earlier, just left....won't see him again until Sunday. We had a little bit of a talk, or rather email convo before he got here, and I got this out him: He's scared of losing me, he feels his life's in limbo, everything in his life sucks; he feels he's screwed all our lives up. All his words. And, with that, when he was here, I also got some kisses. Unexpected. So, however confused I am - he's a hell of a lot more messed up than I am.
Get a pedicure? Hah! No one touches my feet unless it's where they're starting before they head North!
Had a very nice weekend.....took the girls to the rollerskating party, which was lots of fun! Who-hoo, I still got it! LMAO
My sister & I ventured out on Saturday night and that was fun, too. I drank too much and paid for it yesterday! LOL SO called once while I was out and he seemed PO'd that I was out. Oh well. I did have one thought that reminded of GH though - that is, re: his W and him working. Sometimes I wonder WHY SO gets mad when I'm out...and it dawned on me that maybe he gets upset because I'm "out" and he's "working"....there's lots of times where me & the girls do things and he can't because he's working.....gave things a little different spin.
Anyway, he seemed a little PO'd, for whatever reasons, however I didn't dwell on it. He came over yesterday, asked me to help him out in the garage, I did for a short while, then went back to the house to do my own thing (mainly lay on the couch with a headache, lol, and watch the race.) After a while, his friend stopped by and finished helping him to do what needed to be done outside.
After friend & GF left, SO asked "what's for dinner", lol, and fell asleep on the couch. I didn't say anything, I didn't really mind, didn't mind about dinner, either. I let him sleep for a bit, made dinner, then woke him and we ate. It was a nice day. It felt good - nice, pleasant.
Today, I've woken up feeling "at peace", I think is the best way to describe it. I feel like I've turned a corner. I've really realized that SO is going thru some things - some I understand, some I don't and probably never will. I also realize that no matter what happens between "us", things will be OK. And with that in mind, I feel like I'm miles ahead of him somehow. I realize that if "I" decide to change my course, SO is going to face things that I've already been thru. Meaning, I have been thinking a lot about going very dark. Up until now I've been attempting to show him how it "could" be; giving him the benefits of seeing my changes, being a friend, accepting him as he is. I feel it's coming time to take that away. Not for him, or us, but for me.
Today, it's beautiful outside. Sun is shining and I see my daffodils are up about 3 inches! Yeah - Spring!
Quote: I also realize that no matter what happens between "us", things will be OK. And with that in mind, I feel like I'm miles ahead of him somehow. I realize that if "I" decide to change my course, SO is going to face things that I've already been thru. Meaning, I have been thinking a lot about going very dark. Up until now I've been attempting to show him how it "could" be; giving him the benefits of seeing my changes, being a friend, accepting him as he is. I feel it's coming time to take that away. Not for him, or us, but for me.
Awesome, NM! That is a great feeling, isn't it? You are miles ahead, because you know what you want and you have a plan to get it. Your SO has neither and is confused and in turmoil.
I think it's great that you're planning another 180. Keeping your SO off-balance and preventing him from getting "comfortable" with a new routine are good ideas.
Of course, there are two ways to go dark. You can go dark for a little while for yourself, or you can decide to go dark permanently until the A is over. Which were you thinking of trying?
I did the first for about three weeks and it was really great. I was able to truly GAL, I was able to relax completely (because I never had to worry about what I was going to say to W or what she would say to me), I could detach ... and it gave her time to get a little tired of OM and start missing me.
The "I'm not going to talk to you until you end the A" kind of going dark is something that I've been thinking about and may go to in a month or so if I don't see any changes.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
GREAT post NM. I really think you're onto something BUT be careful because if I go back and read through my threads, I see a similar pattern of wonderful breakthroughs in DBing coincidentally (or not so much) following nice days with the W. It was amazing how easy it was to detach when things were going well, lol.
Anyway, don't dwell on that. Just realize that you DID make a stride towards emotional freedom and that WILL help you through the tough times that are still on the horizon for you. I think SO is going to start seeing this "you" that is happier and more secure in herself. It will make him curious and that's a good thing.
As for going dark, that's fine but do it for your sanity, not to teach him a lesson. He will learn the lesson no matter what, you don't have to try to teach him. There is a difference and it's in that doing it for you makes HIS reaction to it irrelevant. IF you do it for HIM, and he does not respond how you think he should or might, then you may end up sabotaging you own efforts.
I think you are doing GREAT and I hope for your sake that this day is as good as the last!
That's just it GH, I don't feel like this is necessarily a "break through"; I mean nothing significant has changed with SO - it's ME doing the changing. Therein lies the difference. He can take as long as he wants to "make up his mind". I am not acting "as if" anymore - I actually feel that way on the inside - good, that is. I feel good.
I am past dwelling on things that I can't do anything about. I don't wonder what he's doing when he's not here; I rarely even think about OW anymore. Not that I'm burying my head in the sand or anything, I just don't think it matters so very much. What will be, will be.
And I like the way RB put it - doing another 180 to keep things off balance; keeping things from getting too comfortable. I like change. I look forward to it. I like being different; I like acting different - sometimes just for the shock value!!!!! I love making people do a double-take! And for me, as shy as I am, I have fun doing it.
When I first started this - it was so hard to "act" - something I've never been very good at. Now, like I said - it isn't an act. I'm not "un"happy. Sure, I want SO back - I don't "like" things the way that they are; I want to be working on our R; but ya know what, it's not gonna happen today, or tomorrow. And I'm OK with it.
And yes, if I go dark, it will be for me. Not as an ultimatum or last resort.
And with that in mind, I feel like I'm miles ahead of him somehow. I realize that if "I" decide to change my course, SO is going to face things that I've already been thru. Meaning, I have been thinking a lot about going very dark. Up until now I've been attempting to show him how it "could" be; giving him the benefits of seeing my changes, being a friend, accepting him as he is. I feel it's coming time to take that away. Not for him, or us, but for me.
You are soooo right about where you are compared to SO. What becomes very sad is watching the WASs stay stuck in different versions of old sh*t (even as they keep running) as you continue to grow. They don't experience the emotional jolt you got with the bomb until they know that you have really let the go, and it is that jolt that propels the LBSs growth. It is very common for WASs to begin to get a grip and start to grow and change only after something happens which really makes them feel the loss of the LBS. For instance, my XH "got it" the day we went to divorce court because he saw that I was very clearly emotionally already D from him. Some folks around here hang on long after D and their WASs just keep up the same old stuff. I think most of the real success stories happen because the LBS is able to truly detach and get to a place in which they see their options, find their own world, become happy and responsible for that happiness, and LET GO of the WA until the WA chooses to reenter the M with passion and commitment.
Anyway, I'll be curious of your SO's behavior starts seeming even more bizarre to you now that you've managed to become significantly less enmeshed in his mess and can see things a bit more objectively.
You know what OT, now that you pointed it out, I "see" that in SO. The staying stuck in old patterns thing. I'm sorry to say, that's too bad for him - our old "R" is dead and gone. If he wants something with me in the future, well, it's not going to be the same old, same old. By putting us on this path, well, it was beneficial. He forced the change - my change, his change, and our R change - by doing what he did. Never foreseeing the consequences - good or bad.
I didn't put it in my last post, but last night he called and asked if I was "OK" and in a good mood after he left for the night. My answer, "Yeah - I am in a good mood!" And I really truly was. Of course, I don't like him leaving...but WTH. I'm playing with the hand that was dealt me - I'll make the most of it, and maybe I'll beat the dealer this round.
I'm not going to pretend to be upset that he left - I wasn't. Well, a little, but - I know that it's a necessary evil and also that things never stay the same. I tell D7 this all the time, when she feels a little left out, or doesn't understand why I have to spend so much time on her little sisters. I always tell her "It won't be this way forever. Things change. Soon the girls will be older. It may "feel" like forever, but it isn't." I remind her of how the baby was when she was an infant...she didn't do anything but lay there, poop, and eat!! LOL And now - she's walking & talking and playing with D7. I use this as a metaphor for my whole life!
As for SO's behavior getting more bizarre, oh boy! Isn't he bizarre enough??? LMAO
Not much to say. Yesterday, I took the day "off" (as much as one can take off with kids anyway, lol) and bummed around! There wasn't anything I felt like doing, so I didn't do anything....
Nothing new with SO. He was here Monday, dawdled around until about 7:30 PM, which was later than usual for him. Usually he leaves by 6 or so. He put the two older girls to bed; called me when he got to his place. Yesterday, he emailed me a few times about strange things - I bring these up because I'm feeling like he's reporting to me or something...he actually apologized for not calling me in the middle of the night last night?? (Yeah, like I didn't mind NOT being woke up, lol).
Seriously though, I don't know what's with this. And I don't particularly want him to think he HAS to do this...I don't think I've done anything to give that impression to him - I just wonder why he does it. I've said this before - there was a time in our R when he couldn't be bothered to call if he was going to be late....now, when I have no expectations and he's got no obligation to me, now he's always calling? Kind of ironic, and just an observation on my part.
Sun's out again today, I'm still feeling in a good mood. Although double work to do today because I was a bum yesterday! lol
You sound great :-) My guess is that SO is trying to reassure you that he is not with OW without communicating that directly...
Anyway, please pardon me while I vent a bit... After a very long absence, I've been around here too much watching people bang their heads against the wall and it is taking its toll on me. Did you ever know someone, maybe in elementary school, maybe in a job, that *really* wanted to be great friends with you, but you didn't want to be that close to them? This person would have been OK as an acquaintance, maybe someone to go out with after work for a drink occassionally, but was not a person that you wanted to have a heart to heart convo with, ever. This person seemed to need you, seemed a little clingly, a little pathetic and very sad. Even after they quit asking you to do stuff all the freaking time, they always looked up expectantly as you made your way toward the door for lunch. You could always perceive the slight hurt in their eyes when they overheard what you did with friends over the weekend. This person was always just waiting for you to adopt them as a close friend. This person did sweet things for you without putting any demands on you -- bringing you a cookie, telling you about a good airfare to someplace you want to visit, offering to dogsit when you went on vacation, getting angry on your behalf when your boss snarled at you... Do you remember the cloying suffocation you felt just being around this person? The stress of having to deal with this person's emotional neediness day to day? Sure, they weren't asking you to do stuff all the time anymore, but you could *feel* their desperate desire for a pal? Ugggghhhh... Exhausting. Then there is the anger and resentment that comes from having to live with this unwanted burden. The funny thing is, the person would really have been OK and you can see why some other folks in the office have no problem with that person as an occassional after work drink buddy. If only the person would back off and sincerely quit being the best friend in waiting, you'd probably be fine with them. But NO ONE likes someone who insists on standing in a more intimate R with them than they want with that person.
So many people here insist on playing the loyal committed spouse offering unwavering love and support which totally ignores the WAS's desire to have a less intimate R with that person. WAS's no longer WANT a husband-wife R with the LBS, yet the LBS's, mired in denial continue to thrust it upon them, pretty much guaranteeing the demise of their M and a lack of progress on themselves.
To really respect someone's feelings that is pushing you away, you need to give them at least as much distance as they are taking from you. Probably more to give them decent breathing room. This doesn't require closing the door on your M or having an A. It requires getting on with your own life and being responsible by making sure it will be a good life for you regardless of what happens to your M so that you aren't needy and dependent with respect to having the M in your life. Otherwise, you are like that annoying, cloying, person in the office who suffocates you by jumping up to get coffee everytime you do.
Anyway, enough. There is no reason for me to post this on your thread NM -- I think that you are doing a wonderful job of not chasing the distancer so he has to go farther to get the space he wants. You are also doing a wonderful job backing off so that he can come closer without getting uncomfortable. I'm just fed up the last few days watching people chase their tails, or better, watching dogs chase cats thinking that's the secret of getting along with cats. In truth, it is exceedingly frustrating because some things become so obvious and it is painful watching people hurt themselves. And, I'm pretty impatient these days, probably thyroid stuff, so my tolerance is about shot for watching people shoot themselves in the foot and then proceed to shoot the other foot because they somehow think it won't damage them the second time.
Oh, then, of course, there is the enabling that goes on by the cheerleading squad on these boards because the cheerleaders are stuck in the very same place and are really very excited to see someone who might actually figure out how to shoot themselves in the foot correctly
So, I'm putting my steel-toed shoes on and stepping back. But, I'll still be around some...
