A) I agree with the relationship thing. No, we definitely aren't ready for one with each other. I don't want to rush into a relationship with her. I just wanted to be able to spend some time with her. You know show her what a guy who is caring is about. Guess I figured the difference with the OM and myself is that I wouldn't put her through what he did...Even though she participated. As I have done since my divorce and she has too...We have done things we normally wouldn't have. It sucks but it's true. Guess I look and figured that my supportiveness would make a difference. Not about the A. If she wants to talk about that fine; but supportiveness in her job, decisions, etc. You know things I didn't do well before. I am not being phoney. If I couldn't support something she wanted I wouldn't.
B) Not sure what you mean by the things she is saying now??? These don't bug me. But I am looking for how to heal in the respect that I don't want to hurt her by accidentally talking about something that makes her think about things she wants to forget about. If I were to have a relationship with her, I want it to be fresh and new. Can't be the old one that is for sure and needs alot of communication. I worry most that if we did eventually want to try and see if we could have a relatinship, that some of the things that happened to her would cause problems from a sexual standpoint. I want an emotional and Physical relationship with whoever I am with and I know that it will probably be hard for her to let loose a bit with all she has gone through. that is why I am looking for answers on that. I want to be able to meet her needs without making her feel guilt about things. I am willing to try and read any book one might recommend. However, I know my X probably isn't ready for that anytime soon. The other day she said that now that its out there, that she wants to just let it go and to see someone about it like a psych would only rehas it all. I wish for her own sake she would see someone; but she won't. Never has. BTW, I never mentioned going to see anyone. That was just something she brought up on her own, while driving back from the meeting with OM's W. Brought up all on her own.
C) I am trying to give her space; but also want to be around enough to be a consideration. heck, I don't know anyone who wouldn't think, after all this, that someone new might be easier to have a relationship with. But why should I just sit back and have that happen. I've been there for her, been asked by her to be there. No, I don't want to be a doormat; but I figure being there in all this turmoil and such is for a reason. To maybe have a chnace to put our family back together. It may never happen. I may get hurt; but I guess I can't just fade into the sunset, so that someone else can put all the pieces back together. I've been there for her and I would hope it might count for something. Maybe I am a safety net. I hope not in the end; but that may be the case. I guess I am confused as to how to put it back together if I am not part of the life, since she has involved me quite a bit in it. I try to detach; but I don't want to totally let go.
D) No, I don't want her to take me out of desperation either. How do I not be an option? I will keep busy; but to make her think I am not available when I am is not right either. that is deceptive. I still allow for myself to go elsewhere if something were to come along; but so far nothing great has come along. I am not closed to the idea of someone else. I think that is what is good with how I feel right now. I'd love to work with her if she wanted to; but it has to be her decision to want that. And man oh man, I know that if that were to occur, that it would probably be a long struggle to get where it would need to be.
BTW, tonight at my sons karate class, she said that the kids missed her, even the oldest; because she has been working alot of hours at the store because of Christmas. She went to work Friday afternoon, had to be in Saturday beforethey got up and then they were with me for the weekend until Sunday night; but she had to work till 11pm. So , they really didn't get to see her till this morning. They did go by to see her on our way home from basketball on Saturday. Ifigured that it was the right thing to do for the kids. Anyway, she mentioned how they were and said jokingly "I guess that cruise next summer is out. Not like I can go off. Just look at how they were this weekend."
One other observation I made was that I am not sure why I never walked away during all of this. I know if something great came along I would have considered it; but I would never in a million years have thought taht I would have stuck this out after all the crap that I've been through this past year. Heck most people would run from the X after the affair and never return. Me? Don't know why; but as much as it hurt, I don't feel animosity about it. I look at it as a bad decision, an error in judgement that people make. I know when I was younger, if anyone presented this scenario to me, I would have said that person would be history. SO, is it love or something else that makes me stay??? Not sure anymore.
They did go by to see her on our way home from basketball on Saturday. Ifigured that it was the right thing to do for the kids. Anyway, she mentioned how they were and said jokingly "I guess that cruise next summer is out. Not like I can go off. Just look at how they were this weekend."
