Well, an update. Mentioned that, Friday, I ran into the guy she had been with. Mentioned how i got pointed at by him, his brother and the woman they were with.
This morning I got a call from my ex about issues that we were having about my daughter and some kids at school giving her a hard time. Anyway, once that was over, she tells me that she felt it unfair that I mentioned the seeing the guy to her. She felt like I was throwing it in her face. I told her I wasn't and that the only reason that I mentioned it was because I was wary of him giving me a hard time for something he thinks I may have done, which I didn't. I guess someone messed with his car and for some reason he thinks I did it. So, I am not about to find myself in danger because of it. Well, my ex thne says that isn't the reason he was looking at you. I asked her then what was the reason?
She said "Because he looks at you and sees that you had something for 11yrs that he didn't have." that he made a mistake with marrying his wife. Then she proceeds to say how he lied to her and that is the reason he didn't get what he wanted. That really hurt me.
She said that me telling him that he was that quickly out with another woman twisted like a knife inside her. Like I needed to hear that. I told her you know what hurts me? Not the affair; but that fact that you gave him chances and in some ways loved him more than me. To which she replied, I wish I knew why it was that way. Heck, I know why...new,exciting, etc. Not real love; but that love/infatuation phase at the beginning of a relationship.
I can't hold on; but sometimes I think once she releases all this and steps back, that then and only then would we have any shot if ever. Right now, I know she is still in the fog and denial about what that relationship was about. She even said they were probably going to go next door to the hotel and do the same things she did. How does someone let themselves care for someone who they know is using them?
Anyway, her sister and dad came to the house and she had to hang up the phone. I said, that we talked about it before and I asked again, about us having a talk on all of this. SHe said that would be fine. I don't want to talk about the guy and that crap. I just want to talk and listen....Both of us to really listen. Not expecting a relationship from the talk...Just wanting to be able to say what I have to say and to hear her too. Maybe it would make a difference; but until she gets rid of the guilt there is no chance, if there ever was.
Yes, I deserve better, I keep trying to move forward; but it's not easy and I still love her. I think we just never figured out how to say to each other what we wanted in life and actually have the other person hear that. My fault for not hearing her and unfortunately, now that I hear her and am open to that, I am not sure I will get the chance.
Trying to keep busy and was doing well; but today just brought all those feelings back again. She needs to want me because it matters...not because she is lonely or I am lonely...IT has to happen because it is right.
Sorry, still believe it has a chance; but only if we both are willing to listen to each other and work at it. I know I am; but not sure if she is. I don't want her to change wo she is now and that is the tough part to get her to hear.
