Come on...you need to stop living in the past. It's over. You are both divorced...yes, you have a son...that's your common bond. But you need to move on...
I don't want you to feel criticized or feel that I'm being harsh on you...I"m not. I just see that you're "holding on to hope" - you're reliving the times before the D.
You just can't do that...it's a waste of time. She's living the way she wants to - it's her life...she can live as if she's 20 again...you must accept that.
Go out - join a parents w/o partners group - meet new people - don't look back...she isn't that person anymore.
Please, look around, there are millions of good peple that are divorced, for whatever reasons, you'll see them. I'm afraid that you're holding onto a dream - you live in the past, with her old self - you need to move forward.
Of course, you're going to have to go through a lot of women, before you find another "one". You're much wiser now, you know what is important in a R. You know what type you're looking for...go with it. The other two fizzeled could it be that you cling to your XW and the new ladies pick up on that? Women are very astute when they feel that a man may have not gotten over his last love. That is hard competition to follow...you just might be sabotaging the new R (not knowingly) and the two ladies might have felt it.
It's been two years now...you could have been with someone new...two years wasted...don't continue this way...you'll just grow old and lonely.
Try to meet one new person per day...but actively put your- self on the market...make it your job to find someone new.
You can meet people at the grocery store, dry cleaners, gas station, church, anywhere. But you have to want to do this.
If your XW would ever want you back...then she'll come back to you begging. What my grandmother used to say was: A watched kettle never boils...you're wasting your life away...there is someone out there waiting for you...but you need to be openly available - mentally available.
Trust me...you have your whole life ahead of you...you'll be surprised how quickly your XW will fade into the past when you become involved with someone new.
Tman...the clock is ticking...you're smart, most likely handsome, you have a good head on your shoulders, you're kind, thoughtful and loving...what woman wouldn't go for that?
I do try and go on with life and meet new people. Unfortunately, I won't settle and so there are many dry spells that I am by myself; but I do try and go forward. Just hard doing that alone and without my 4 children daily.
I hate living a dual life. One day dad and then the others a single guy with less cash to start a new life than he had before. I am in an apartment and hate it; but I haven't found any houses that are affordable and still have a life too.
Well, got an email from my BIL, who in his own warped way was trying to help. He had a conversation 2 days ago with her about her and I. He told her a few things that weren't quite accurate and it caused her and I some problems and now we sit here back before square one. I was pursuing a life and also backing away from her; but still leaving the door open for her. We had come a ways with things and his talk with her set it back. I think that she was not sure, confused, etc. and I also think that she thinks I broke her confidence with him. What actually happened was that he and I were supposed to get together for a talk and one thing that was on my mind was that her infidelity and how I was looked at in everyone's eyes by them not knowing that about her. Then I realized I couldn't break the confidence I said I would keep.
Anyway, just had a long talk with my BIL and I told him that I cared for my ex, will always love her some way; but that I wasn't just waiting around for her and in fact, recently decided to back off. IF she ever wants a relationship, that she needs to come to me and when she does it may be too late on my end. Anyway, he finally understood that I also had been dating; but that I wasn't going to throw it in her face and tell her that. Not feeling much better; but that is because work has stuck it to us and we might haveto work part of the weekend to make up for others mistakes.
Of course you shouldn't settle...but not every date has to be wife potential...go out for the fun of it.
Yes, you don't want people all around or family to know why your wife left...it's between you and her...you are also correct in not flaunting any dates in her face.
It will get easier, I promise, but you do need to let go. It's time...
Just an update...I was doing well last night Headed out by myself, as usual. I was getting dnner and who walks into the restaurant but the guy she had the affair with, his brother and a woman who had some resemblance to my ex. We know where they are going with that woman. Another sucker to be used. Anyway, he and his brother stared over at me. I don't need this high school stuff.
Hard to go forward when everywhere you turn the unexpected happens and slaps you in the face as a reminder.
I just want friends to hang with andat my age, they are hard to find. And sorry; but I could get dates; but I don't want to go out with someone I am not attracted to just because. I know the type of look I like. Yes, it is not not narrow. They have to have the look I want; but also the personality, morals, etc.
Quote: All this at the expense of her kids who she just doesn't see as hurting from this.
This is truly part of the midlife crisis. My H doesn't think what he is doing is hurting our children either because they are older. However, he avoids spending much time with them. My theory he know that it is hurting them and if he spends much time with them, he will have to face how much they are hurt. Hang in there and continue to do the right thing.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Yes, I know the feeling like you had...I saw my XH at a grocery store, I left, went to another - saw him and OW at his mother's funeral...it happens, we live 2 miles apart.
What I meant about go out with a female as a friend, it was to hopefully make you realize, that it can happen. I'm sure you have friends that are female...that maybe will go places, w/o any pressure to have a relationship with.
You should be picky about who you want to go out with, I just don't want you to wait...for what...hope, that she might come back...you are putting yourself on hold.
I'll be 45 in 8 days, I'm from the school where men do the asking, even though it's almost 2007...so in my generation, we have to be asked, not all, so it seems harder for women. It also seems easier for men...we all face rejection at some point and time...but if we get out there, the chances of meeting someone is greater.
Would I have rathered stayed M, yes, of course, I still love him, but we are D, he's with someone and I just don't see the point of waiting, in hopes, that he will come back. He has moved on...so must I.
I wish the best for you b/c you really sound like a great guy...let me know how you're doing.
Well, an update. Mentioned that, Friday, I ran into the guy she had been with. Mentioned how i got pointed at by him, his brother and the woman they were with.
This morning I got a call from my ex about issues that we were having about my daughter and some kids at school giving her a hard time. Anyway, once that was over, she tells me that she felt it unfair that I mentioned the seeing the guy to her. She felt like I was throwing it in her face. I told her I wasn't and that the only reason that I mentioned it was because I was wary of him giving me a hard time for something he thinks I may have done, which I didn't. I guess someone messed with his car and for some reason he thinks I did it. So, I am not about to find myself in danger because of it. Well, my ex thne says that isn't the reason he was looking at you. I asked her then what was the reason?
She said "Because he looks at you and sees that you had something for 11yrs that he didn't have." that he made a mistake with marrying his wife. Then she proceeds to say how he lied to her and that is the reason he didn't get what he wanted. That really hurt me.
She said that me telling him that he was that quickly out with another woman twisted like a knife inside her. Like I needed to hear that. I told her you know what hurts me? Not the affair; but that fact that you gave him chances and in some ways loved him more than me. To which she replied, I wish I knew why it was that way. Heck, I know why...new,exciting, etc. Not real love; but that love/infatuation phase at the beginning of a relationship.
I can't hold on; but sometimes I think once she releases all this and steps back, that then and only then would we have any shot if ever. Right now, I know she is still in the fog and denial about what that relationship was about. She even said they were probably going to go next door to the hotel and do the same things she did. How does someone let themselves care for someone who they know is using them?
Anyway, her sister and dad came to the house and she had to hang up the phone. I said, that we talked about it before and I asked again, about us having a talk on all of this. SHe said that would be fine. I don't want to talk about the guy and that crap. I just want to talk and listen....Both of us to really listen. Not expecting a relationship from the talk...Just wanting to be able to say what I have to say and to hear her too. Maybe it would make a difference; but until she gets rid of the guilt there is no chance, if there ever was.
Yes, I deserve better, I keep trying to move forward; but it's not easy and I still love her. I think we just never figured out how to say to each other what we wanted in life and actually have the other person hear that. My fault for not hearing her and unfortunately, now that I hear her and am open to that, I am not sure I will get the chance.
Trying to keep busy and was doing well; but today just brought all those feelings back again. She needs to want me because it matters...not because she is lonely or I am lonely...IT has to happen because it is right.
Sorry, still believe it has a chance; but only if we both are willing to listen to each other and work at it. I know I am; but not sure if she is. I don't want her to change wo she is now and that is the tough part to get her to hear.
Well, this morning she called the woman who she had the A with H with. She asked if I would go with her to meet up. Against my better judgement, I went. Some crap came out that I walked away from. I told her I might do that if I didn't want the details.
Anyway, after all was said and done, it hopefully cleared her guilt a bit. I know that will take her time. She has even said she has had a self-esteem problem... that her actions allowed our youngests issues with mild autism, to get put on a backburner at times; because of the A. Also, she told me that she put me through crap because of it too. Then she and I talked and she told me I should run as far as I could from her. She knows I have to deal with her because of the kids; but to run.
She also stated how she kknew that we couldn't just be friends. She also talked about how she joined a dating service that she paid alot of money for; but that she hasn't really used it and she is not sure after all she has done that she can ever have a relationship with anyone again. But she doesn't want to grow old and lonely either.
I guess that I know I deserve alot for being there for her; but all I want is for hr to have confidence in herself and only then could there be an us. But will there ever be? Should I stick it out while going forward with other things? When she comes out of the fog, will she realize that I have been there for her in the darkest times and will it matter?
She alos told me how she isn't a touchy feely person...Unfortunately, I am and that probably caused friction during our marriage, when I felt like she was distant because she didn't love me. Maybe that wasn't the case. Problem is, is this fixable? Sure, but will she let it be that way. Do I try to listen and be as friendly as I can? I don't know.
^ more details on what i found out and whether going through those things are ever fixable...She really went low self esteem for herself and the things she did with him. I don't like what I have heard and don't want details...Just would work on us if we got the chance...Just not sure if she really cares or is fearful because of what I know...Iwouldn't use it against her...If I had wanted to, I would have already done so; but I haven't.
Like I said I will give more details when I get a moment. The details are very degrading for her to have done and only she can accept that I can't help her there. And when she comes out of the fog and is ready to pursue some relationship, will she want it to be us? We'll see...I try to keep busy and move forward; but having been involved by her in this, I feel like I need to see if it can be fixed...Just not sure how nto be supportive without possibly getting burnt...Hard to support and move forward so as not to get hurt.
Only have few minutes to post; but it's funny...I came across text messages and a pretty graphic picture and it didn't bother me the way I thought it would. I still want to see if it can work. The info was from back in July. Am I just messed up or is this normal???
Also, does anyone who ever went through this affair stuff or knows someone who did have any advice on what to do in dealing with her? I see that she has guilt and disbelief in herself. In fact, she told me yesterday that, when she was out with some friends, that they didn't notice; but that she cried when one particular song came on. She told me she felt like she had hit rock bottom. Do they really miss that abusive relationship or was it just an escape from all that happened in the divorce? I know I went through a vast emotional coaster and did stuff I didn't think I could either. Is it just about giving her time to get through her guilt, emotions etc and see what comes out on the other side? I mean I have given alot to this and it would be a shame to walk away now.
