Just, Good to hear from you again. As always, I appreciate your input and agree with your observations.
Actually, this all started because she called me about something going on in her life and during that conversation I joked about me still being owed that dinner her and I talked about way back. So, it started from there. Not exactly her initiating; but when she came to me about her other issue, she said we could do that. So, I met up with her one day and took a day trip to Boston. We had a good time, talked lightly, etc. and made a plan to go back for dinner after the 1st of the year.
After that, I had dropped the kids off at her house. She was working and asked me to come by to check out sonmething on her car. Yes, this involved a fear of something to do with the old boyfriend/affair. Anyway, she spilled more stuff to me that night and I told her that I was here for her. She replied, in a guilty way, crying, that maybe I shouldn't be though. I told her that I cared alot for her and that I would love to work on things with her and that we could take it from there if she was willing. She nodded that she was and I said that we would eventually, have alot to talk about. So, that is how it started and then it snowballed into meeting quite a bit for lunch or coffe break at her work. Pretty much the only times available for her and I to meet. Well, I just felt like maybe it was becoming too much and that as much as I wanted to see her and see where it might go, that she wasn't getting a break from me and enough time to miss me. Without that, it can never possibly go forward. Not that it will. My thing is, that as you say, if she is only looking for a friendship, that made it clear I wanted more and she never has had a problem saying that is all it can be. For me, she is either using me until something else comes along (I don't believe that to be the case, as she has other people she could hang with instead of me during those times.) the other is that an uncertainty, a fear of having made mistakes or fear of losing some of the new found freedom she has. She still is in that mode of wanting to be out there with the coworkers, many half her age. Not going to places that are conducive to meeting men. Why? I don't know.
I know it may never work; but I guess after being out there in the dating world and not having much success, that I took a break and this opportunity when it arose. Problem is that she needs to want it too and realize that I may not be there. Also, that I am not the one to come to with her problems if she does not want me in her life that way. Especially, if it has to do with the affair!!!
I care very much for her (not sure if it is love right now); but I also not going to wait forever. Just that I figured this is one of the first times that she has given an inch and that maybe she is thinking; but unsure or afraid.
As far as her dating someone. Sure, it would hurt. Why wouldn't it? I do know this, however, that I have made great improvements in myself and that will benefit whoever I am with in the future. I am a better, more understanding person today than before. It would be nice for her to want that; but she may never want that. My mom had a friend who recently died of cancer and she always hung with people half her age and never came out of what I call her Midlife crisis!!! Maybe my ex won't either and that will be a detriment to our children. My stepson told me recently, that he wishes that we were all back in our old house together. That made me hapy that he loved me; but also cry because I couldn't fix that for him.
My BIL also said that she is enjoying her life with the new job, freedom, etc.; but that I shouldn't assume that the family members are in her corner and that they dislike me...no matter how it looks.
In the end, I would love for us to all be together; but you know what I miss after having her or someone in my life? My kids, my neices and nephews and my bil's and sil's.
I recall her saying to me over the past year: Why didn't you do that years ago. Well, obviously she sees some changes that is positive; but maybe she is living with her guilt of what she told them I was so she could have her affair. He was recently blackmailing her with pictures and I am one of the only people who know this.
Anyway, it will hurt, if it goes nowhere and I know that it more than likely won't, unless she wants it too. But I also know, as much as it hurts, that I did my best to be a better me and to try to put it back together. It doesn't ease the pain; but it does make me a better stronger person.
I long for the day that I have that someone that I can share my thoughts, my life with. If it is her fantastic and it also solves the family being split. If not, then I will be happy with that new person. I just will always hate that my family is split into pieces and that my kids have to pay for our issues.
