Hi, Really need some help with this. I know it wasn't necessarily the best idea or best DBing; but since we had been spending some time together having lunch, coffee, etc. About a week ago, I asked her if she might like to go for massages. A woman I used to worked with has a holistic center that does massages and couples massages. Anyway, she was agreeable to it and so I booked it. The massage was today.
Let me back up and say that I enjoy being eith her and would love to reconcile. Problem is she is currently happy with her life and new found freedom. She does things with me; but never crosses the threshold of affection. Maybe I should see it or maybe not at this point. That is one source of confusion.
Well, things were going okay and I obviously was looking for signals as to how things were going. She always seemed up for meeting; but yesterday, I think we maybe overloaded on seeing each other and am trying to figure out how to back off without giving up. Sounds easy; but mentally it is hard when I want to see her. (Maybe I am wasting my time; but she has never been one to not say something to me before.)
Well, that brings us to today and the massages. The couples massage, which I told her we were going to actually takes place with the 2 of you in one room with 2 masseuses. After a tour of the facility, they brought us to the room and they told my ex and I to disrobe as much as we felt comfortable with. When they left the room, my ex stated that she didn't know that we were going to be in the same room. (I felt bad). I asked her if it was a problem. She said no, she would be fine. Anyway, since my divorce, I have less inhibition , so having been there before, I completely disrobed and my ex stated that she wasn't going to take it all off. Part of the reason was probably uncomfortableness with her and I in the room (A year ago at a doctors appt., it wasn't a problem for her to strip naked in front of me, so I didn't think it would be and issue now). Well, she took everything off; but her panties (One reason she said was she was having her once a month thing). Anyway, she disrobed everything but that and we had our massages. She seemed to enjoy it and so that was good. I was just trying to do something nice for her and yes, see if something might spark (Bad for DBing!!!)
She needed to go to work later; but were supposed to grab lunch, for which she was buying. We ended up going and pretty much talked about how her work was going etc. I do pretty well these days with keeping things light in conversation. I told her once, weeks ago, when she came to me with a problem in her life, how I still felt and would like to work on us. Since, I have never tried to talk relationship. I just try and enjoy my time with her and hope she does too. Problem here is that she still goes and does these things; but I see no advancement on her part. Should I? We have been apart since July 2004. She was having an affair with our old neighbor and it was off then on again and finally ended a month and a half or so ago. Since then, she has found a niche in her job and some new friends. Alot much younger than her; but who she hangs with.
My issues are a few. One, am I barking up the wrong tree in hopes to reconcile (i.e. wasting my time)? Should I expect to see reciprocation or is this how it goes regardless of whether a reconciliation is possible or not (Haven't been in this type of relationship before with an ex!!!)? Am I wasting my time on her or am I looking for too much too soon? I don't want to be a fool and be used. I try and stay busy; but there aren't a whole lot of people to hang with, so I have too much time to think about stuff. Like I said, I enjoy being with her and in a normal, new relationship, you would see things go forward. Is it that different in this case.
Another issue is that I need to back off from her a bit and let her absorb the person I am and who she has done things with. Maybe I am just filling her time until something better comes along. I hope not. But I still want to see her; but need to not as often. You know th old absence makes the heart grow fonder, if you love something set it free..., etc.
She has yet to say go away, which I thought would come after the massage incident and then at lunch; but it never did. SHe has never been afraid to speak her mind before. Does she just hope I will fade away without having to say anything? Is it just her being afraid that I would take away her new found freedom? I want her to know I support her and it can be different; but if it were to work, I also know I would need to have from her that I am the most important thing to her, if we were to work it out.
So, to sum it up, I would love opinions on how to keep and upbeat attitude, not obsess ofver this and also whether others have been through what I am going through and reconciled. I am having a tough time holding on to a possiblity and yes I know, afraid to let go too. How long is too long?
