Anyway, I will do that; but it just sucks that she is invading my space. lol
I just feel like she will get someone and the ywill be no better than me. Even if I find someone eventually, she will always have the kids to...So, in the end she gets the whole package and I get to visit with the kids and a new family if that were to happen. Not exactly fair; but it seems that she wanted out and I should be the one who gets the prize!!! lol
I know jealousy; but hey it sucks.
We have a history and kids and that should be the point of working on things.
BTW, having trouble contacting these women which also dampens my spirit...Along with the week of rain and flooding we have had here!!!
Things are fine, thanks for asking. Yeah, not exactly fair, but this is apparently what she wants. So don't put your dating life on hold for her. You might miss out on someone special that isn't under the thumb of her parents despite being middle aged.
Hope the rain and flooding stop and you're able to contact the women.
me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Man, for someone who doesn't want to be married to me, she tends to call when there is an issue with something. Like for instance, the car accident she had a month ago. SHe calls to find out from me what else she is supposed to do if anything to push along the process, whether to get multiple estimates, etc. She calls twice about this today!!! It's too bad that she doesn't realize all the little stressful things that I used to do that she never had to worry about. She is starting to see, hopefully, all the things that may have stressed me out. But, alas, it is probably too late and she is too stubborn to admit that maybe she made a mistake.
I don't know about anyone else on here; but I think the last person in the world that I would call to find out info on things would be my ex. I wouldn't want to give the other person the satisfaction of thinking I needed them for something.
THis is really hard trying be friendly, while she acts like we are friends and such. The counselor said today that in some ways she acts very immature.
Another is her online dating site thinng. She tells me last night how she hasn't talked to that fireman in a few days adn that she would stress out due to the danger involved in that type of job. My comment was "Gee software engineers are so much safer aren't they!!!" ;-)
Then she tells me how sh is going to go home and counsel some guy in Ohio. We don't even live near that state!!!
I feel so sad; because she seems so lost; but unwilling to stand up to her family or herself and admit that maybe we should have worked it out. She claims she wants a personal life; but then she keeps coming to me for answers!!! Also, this is the one I love. In her online profile she claims that her kids are open to letting someone into their mothers life...Definitely not true. I even told my kids the other day that dad would have loved nothing more than to be all together again; but that it probably won't happen. I could see my daughters eyes well up. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything; but I wanted to tell them the truth.
Anyway, I have a free weekend and anyone that wants to meet with me wants to wait until Sunday...So, now I have no weekend plans. I am going to have to go out myself and that is no fun.
My ex asked me if I could watch our 2 youngest so she could go to my stepsons hip hop dance recital. No ticket for me, not her fault; but I told her I already had plans; because I thought I might. However, I feel so guilty not taking advantage of having the kids for some extra time; but I feel like since she is not coming back that I need to use my free time to be out there.
Hmmm...funny, still here!!! Never thought I would be and not sure what to make of all that is happening. My ex actually spilt some more stuff about 3 weeks ago and she and I have been getting along much better. In fact, we have had lunch and coffee a few times since then. And this past Tuesday, she and I took a day trip to Boston. It went really well. The only part that hasn't happened is that she hasn't talked about working it out; but then again, from what I remember reading and hearing from others, I shouldn't expect that right away. Just scared to put much hope into this, as I don't want to get hurt again; but I guess you have to take the chance in order to see. We just had lunch today during her workbreak and supposed to grab coffee tomorrow night when she has a break.
Guess I should view these as positive baby steps and that is what I should look for. I just have a hard time with the slowness of things. I go between that is the way it is supposed to go and that it should be more than it is right now.
I will elaborate further, when I have a few minutes; but I am looking for some input and if possible encouragement.
BTW, if you haven't read any of my previous threads, the fact is that she had an affair with a married next door neighbor when we lived in our old neighborhood. So, I guess I shouldn't expect her to have worked thorugh all of that yet; but guess I wonder if this is how other success stories started. I know that there are no guarantees; but I have unconciously kept pluggin away. Being the best person I can be. Just wondering if finally it may pay some dividends with her. I know it has with me. I remember a few weeks back when she spilled a bit more, that I was the one she came to. Then I said "I have been there for you and will be". To which she replied "Maybe you shouldn't be though" Almost guilty that I am still there after all this stuff. We had planned to grab dinner and such before she spilled more stuff recently and after she did, I was still willing and so was she. She said how she could use the person to talk to. I told her that I needed more than that; but that we could start out this way. That was 3 weeks ago and we still meet up. Our shedules and the kids visitation make it difficult to do more than meet up for a quick lunch, dinner, coffee; but they do occur and she doesn't say no. We really don't talk about relationships, her affair or anything. Mostly, it's about how her job is going, life, etc. She seems to be opening up parts of her life to me; but is it just to be a friend or more? Time will tell; but she knows that I want more.
So, opinions from experienced DBers is welcome and requested. I need to maintain a positive attitude.
Update...Last night, I got a call from my ex around 6pm. She asked if I was still in the area. I told her I was (I was meeting a coworker later for dinner). Anyway, I asked her what was up. She told me that my youngest had swallowed a lollipop while they were on their way to drop my stepson off at his dads. I guess she freaked, understanably and wanted to know if I could go over to the McDonalds and keep him with me until she dropped my stepson off, in case something happened. When I got there, he seemed okay and was. I told her to drop my stepson off and I would keep the 2 younger boys with me. I gave her a hug; because I know she was freaked out. Then I told her to to try and take it easy and wind down on the ride back. We met up at the local Walmart. She had a few things to pickup for my sons birthday at her house. After that was done, I helped her put the kids in the car and said bye, gave her a hug and peck on the cheek. I know not good DBing; but I just am looking for some sign that this isn't a waste of time. Then I told her I would see her tomorrow when we grabbed coffee during her break.
The issue I am having and need understanding or support in is that I am trying to let her come to me and just be a friend to her; but wanting more than that and she knows that too, I have a tough time with it not going more forward than it has. I don't want to be taken for a fool and then someone else comes along and she doesn't do these things with me; but on the other hand these meetings are positive steps. Will they result in a reconciliation? Who knows? I would love that; but when does it kick in and when do I know it will never be more than it is right now? Is she nervous, guilty, afraid, not sure, the holidays? She never has had a problem telling me she didn't want to meet. I guess I am looking for a little bit more from her like some affectionate sign. Should I expect that right now or is her detachment normal? I understand that this isn't like a new relationship; because there is history and that makes it different and for me confusing.
Also, my mom volunteered to make Thanksgiving dinner for the kids and I, as it is my holiday and the kids seemed okay with that. According to my ex, my daughter (11) told me she wants to be home for Thanksgiving. I am sure it has to do with my ex working alot lately and not seeing my daughter. However, my parents are already prepping for this dinner and they would go to my aunts otherwise. I don't want this issue to derail any chance at reconciliation. If we were together, this wouldn't be an issue.
I try and take each day one at a time and try and see each meeting with the ex and I as a positive thing; but I will admit to being scared to get hurt by believing it could work. I wish I could keep a positive attitude that it will work; but divorce has made that hard.
Again, I guess I am here just looking for support or opinions, experiences of others. Is this how slow it goes. Can this go forward or is this something that will never progress beyond what it is now? Also, when does the time come to ask her if there might be a chance to work on it together?
One additional issue is that since our divorce she has gotten a job and she has done well in it and I ask her how it is going, listen to her, support her, etc. However, when she first started that job, she befriended a 25yr old girl who is very immature. (My ex is 41) Well, my ex would go out with her and go drink, stay out late. None of which my ex would do with me during our marriage. Anyway, recently, they had a falling out; because the 25yr old girl got upset that a guy that she was interested in talked to my ex. She left my ex a note telling her that the reason she hangs out with people my exes age is that she has a better chance to meet guys. Hopefully, an awakening for my ex that she is still attractive; but not a young kid anymore. Well, that girl is not around right now; but she goesw out with coworkers, which is fine and she has every right to do; but they still are much younger than her and not sure how good that is. What I struggle with, and yes she does get back to me to meet for lunch, etc. is the following. When do I, if ever feel more important to her than these "friends". I need to feel that I am the most important person in her life at some point. Question is will I ever and if she never says anything, is there a time frame for me to wait and then say, hey she is never going to go any further than what we have today? I know this is a slow process; but I fear that I am trying to give her time; but our meetings other than her day off, are short and that when she is out with friends and I have our children, that she is out there and that someoneelse has a better chance at interacting with her than I do. Like I said, I know it's a slow process; but I also see more opening in her than ever before, I just want more than being just her friend. I have always been that and want her to se that too; but I need more.
Like I said in the previous posts, I am scared of getting hurt again. I need to make sure there is nothing left for us before I can let go. But I know someday, hopefully, soon, that I want a relationship again. Hopefully, with her; but if not someone else. I miss that and each day that goes by is hard.
Met her yesterday for lunch. She had me meet her at the hair salon she was getting her hair cut at. She had never been there before. So, she really didn't know the woman that cut it other than meeting her that day. Anyway, you know how people talk to bartenders, hairstylists, etc. Well, not sure what they talked about; but when she came out with the stylist, an older woman, the woman told my ex. Have a good time at lunch. Not that it means anything; but I'd like to think of it as a positive step. But there is still something about my ex that holds back a bit.
Problem for me, is Is it guilt for her actions, not sure whther she wants a relationship with me or just using me? Really confusing and looking for some input. It's hard to keep going when you are not sure if you are or aren't wasting your time. I know it's a slow process; but I am looking for more indications than grabbing lunch going for coffee, etc. I will say that she has agreed to go get a massage with me on her day off next week. Again confused and not sure what it means, as she avoids hugs, etc/
