Ok, here goes...Ex is really starting to realize that the waitressing job is full of losers, druggies and cheating husbands and wives!!! After her infidelity, this seems to bother her alot. She wants out of there as soon as she can find something else. Hey this is a good wakeup call for her hopefully.
Well, when I went to pick up the kids, she talked for about 15 min with me about how bad it was and her being unhappy and never having walked off the job. I told her that I had a little bit of time when I dropped the kids off to talk if she wanted. SHe said ok.
Well, we got the kids ready for bed and then sat and talked while watching a tv show. I was meeting my friend later on. So, as we were talking, I probably broke every DB rule in the book!!! I rubbbed her back as she sat next to me. Then for some oddreason, as I was massaging her lower back, I reached under and rubbed her back under her shirt. No complaints??? (Actually why should there be for her??? lol) Well, that continued for 1/2 hour and then I sat in back of her, still no complaints and as I tried to make it easier to massage her upper back and shoulders, I lifted the back of her shirt up to her neck. Bad idea I know; but still got no complaints. Continued that massage for another 40 minutes as we talked (Me listening to all that was bothering her and just listening...no suggestions or anything), etc.
Then before she could say she was tired or something...I told her I have to leave an go meet my friend. As I left and was putting on my shoes and jacket, I told her have a good night and it will get better. She said I know. then without my brain functioning, it came out so naturally...I said well see ya later...I love ya...
Didn't get yelled at or anything; but I never intended to blurt that out...it just happened!!! I think I got cought up in the moment and it was like we were when we were together.
Well, like I said bad DBing; but not on purpose. I also know that the next time we are together, that she might be standoffish. Right now this seems to be the pattern. Question is, no matter how good it felt, would you want your ex massaging your back with you whole back and just the bra exposed??? Maybe, but I think not. I think she is just confused.
She also feels funny about having blown it off originally; but my friend had given her a contact for a job and she was still interested so I told her I would get the number for her.
Taking it one day at a time and hold no expectations; but maybe she will eventually open up. Patience is hard. Also, tryingto remember that I have to keep living life without her....
Never got a call from X to meet stepson for workout. Finally did get a call at 6pm and she said she had a meltdown at work and she forgot to call. I do know that she was at the restaurant next to hers having drinks with people from work. I know this because while I was witing for her to call, I ran some errands up near there and saw her car. At first I was disappointed that she couldn't just call and tell me to get him. If she wants to go out like that, that is her choice and I have nothing to say; but I was waiting for her so my stepson and I could go workout. (I had originally thought that she had had to stay later at work; but when I saw her car at the other place I was disappointed.) Her call last night told me taht she got stuck late at work because the manager and her had a talk; because she was ready to quit and he didn't want her to. I knew that wasn't the whole story based on above; but I kept my mouth shut.
This morning, at basketball, she brought it up again and told me that her parents didn't know; but that after her meeting, 2 of the waitresses (40 and 24) asked her if she wanted to go voer to the restaurant and have a drink. So she did. She said she had one and then they ordered her another. She also mentioned how she and the 40 yr old who originally didn't get along were talking and the other woman asked her what my X got from her ex. My ex looked at her puzzled and the woman said: "I got these!!!" Pointing to her boobs. Anyway, my ex told her a good child support. She also mentioned how they talked to the bartender and 2 guys near them who wanted to hear their conversation.
Well, she also got a call while we were leaving from bball and I was watching my son play at the playground for a few minutes while she went to her house to get our ohter son ready for his game. I was leaving a few minutes later to bring other son to the house. Well, she called to make sure I was on my way and I said to her: "You got a call?" SHe said yes nad never said who...not that she had to. Then when I was at the house and she went downstairs to put in some laundry, she came back up and asked me: "were you looking at my cell phone?" I told her no...she said are you sure? I again said no. She said, because if there is anything you want to know, just ask. I'm not hiding anything. (I wonder if that means there is someone else talkingto her or if she is letting me know not to worry???)
Well, she is supposed to find out if she can get Friday day off so that she can see the kids and we can go out later that night. Many times this has fallen apart.
Lastly, she made a comment about her going for the drink and said: "It's sad that I have to not tell my parents. I told the people it is pretty bad that at 40, I still have people controlling my life." I know that she always felt I tried to; but all I wanted was for her and I to have alone time away from the kids. (Having my stepson, we never got the newlywed time.)
Another vent session. (BTW, yesterday was good...I was with all 4 kids because we were taking a family portrait while she was working. We grabbed lunch after and hung out then I brought them back to her parents who were watching them....Also, got to see my neice and nephew which was a bonus...brought them donuts!!!)
My ex called me this morning to ask if we were supposed to play racquetball at the gym today. I told her no, that was on Wednesday. She said ok that is fine.
We talked about getting out Friday night and she told me that they still hadn't taken her off of her double shift even though someone supposedly took her hours. On top of that she said they were looking for people to work another restaurant for a fundraiser and now she feels guilty to not help out because everyone else took her hours and isn't available.
Besides that, it seems that there is alot of tension in her family. She wouldn't share with me what it was. So, I have to assume it isn't about me. Also, I told her that if she was free, that if her parents couldn't watch the kids, that I had a sitter. She told me, like I recall us dealing with during our marriage, that her parents would kill her if we had anyone else babysit instead of them. Her mom and a bit of her dad are very controlling and that is why my ex saw little things I did as controlling too. She feels the pressure and tells me that she and two of her close friends can't even find time to go out; because her mom says that if she needs a sitter, that she should be going to work. I offered one reply and told her: "I am not telling you what to do; but you know this will keep happening as long as you let your mom control things." (It's always been that way)
Well, I flat out asked her whether she still wanted find a way to go out. Her reply and not exactly a ringing endorsement: "I have to find a way to get out at some point regardless of who I go with!!!" But then she did say that she would work on it. I just don't understand. I just gave her the opportunity to tell me that we shouldn't go out; but then she never said Oh, I do want to go out with you
See all this working out and her doing that and meeting for drinks is fine; but will it ever go anywhere??? IS it her or is it her family???
I do try to detach; but as I say, there isn't alot for me to do or people to do it with. I put myself out there; but not alot of dates so far and I am not ugly!!! lol
Well, just not sure what to make of all of this. If she flat out said "I don't think us going out is a good idea", that would hurt; but it would be answered. If it is her family, then how does she overcome that??? I can't help her there???
Just lost on all of this and feel like I am becoming too attached to her and want of reconciling and it may never happen.
Went swimming with her this morning and it was uneventful, which was okay.
Got a call about 1pm from her telling me that our appointment for our youngest was at 1pm tomorrow instead of 1:45pm. She said I know we were goingto get some lunch and it will now have to be quick and I told her yes, we can do that.
Well, went to get the kids this afternoon for a few hours. We were originally going to try to go do something on Friday and the other day she told me this week was tough between her and her parents. Anyway, she askd me if I can take the kids Friday night too. I said why what's up? She said I don't want to ask my parents to watch them and one of our bosses got transferred and they are having a going away party for him. I said you're going to go to a party when you and I had plans? She said it's a one shot deal with his party and also that she would prefer to work and let other people go to the party. (I alos had a backup plan on Friday. People at work were playing pool and an old friend was going to be in the area too). Well, she said "You know they are your children too and I have them 24x7!!!" I told her I would let her know. So, my dilemma is whether to take the kids for an extra night or not. Do I give up my Friday night so that she can work (or maybe she is actually trying to find a way to go to the party!!! lol)
I would love an opinion on this from people. I know it is all about the kids; but if she wanted to why not ask her parents? I do know that she is having issues and she won't tell me what it is with her parents. I have overheard that it is mostly that her dad yells at our 8yr old. (My ex always gave me a hard time about that and now he gets to do that without any issues??)
Well, one last thing. We started talking about getting together next Saturday and she asked me what we would do. I told her maybe grab some dinner and then go hear some music or comedy. She then said I will work on a sitter. But as long as it isn't a date. IS told her why do we have to label it why can't we just go out and have a good time? She said cause we have to label it. She shows one thing and then says another. I will keep being the way I am. Why change? It would only let her say it was fake changes. Is this a she says one thing; but not to believe everything I say???
Well, I have a woman who I am supposed to get together for lunch and I will do that if we can come up with a mutual time to meet. Also, an old neighbor of ours who was friendly with my x and since then, knows all of what happened, told me that she would pray for me and that I deserved better than what I am getting. I tend to agree. It's too bad that this may never get a chance??
One problem is that your actions/words say, "I have a say in what you do or don't do", as though you are still married. She basically asked if you'd watch the kids an extra day and you get up in arms that she is cancelling something with you as though you are dating. If one of your buddies cancelled plans would you get all up in arms about it? Face it, you are divorced, and you lost any right to expect these things. Watch the kids because you want to or not if you already made plans of your own.
Quote: But as long as it isn't a date.
I think she's trying to tell you that she doesn't intend to end up with you again. My XW did that a lot. She was willing to do stuff with me as long as it didn't lead me on. Frank, you might have to accept that she just wants to be friends and it might never be anything more. Are you okay with that? I don't know if that is the truth, but I think you are better off assuming that you will never be a couple again and act accordingly.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think you're being controlling, TMan. Read The Secret of Letting Go and practice being kind and loving, not just to her but to others in your life. Stay positive for you, and you'll end up in a good place.
No, I don't have a say in what she does or doesn't do; but I am also not supposed to have her guilt me into watching the kids so that she can go out. She made her bed with her parents and so she needs to worry about that without involving me. I ended up telling her today that I could watch the kids if she needed regardless of what she was doing. Am I happy about her asking me with the ability to do whatever??? No; but I thought about it and if she wants to go out to a party and wants me to watch the kids, then I will do it to be with the kids. I do get that.
As far as the "as long as it isn't a date comment. I think that she does not know what she wants and that is where that comes from. Like aI said, she tends to confide in me about alot of the issues she is going through. Just like I lost any right to tell her what she should or shouldn't do, she also should not expect me to be there for her either.
Today, we played racquetball before taking our son to a dr.'s appointment. She also has an interview for cleaning houses today. Along with that, she also got a callback from the guy that one of my good friends gave me for her to call about another job. She is doing this because her parents are now telling her that they can't do this sitting for the kids like they have been doing. Typical, (and not that they should have to do this); but they did agree to do this when she moved here. They always make a big offer and then sort of step back and renege a bit. However, as I know and she said today, they would flip if someone else watched the kids...Either a sitter we know who is a daughter some friends or even my parents. Again my ex goes back to them and then they give her the controlling thing she hates the most.
Another thing my ex told me as we were driving past a Lowes Home Improvement store that is soon to be opening. Her sister said "Promise me you won't get a job there" I looked at my ex and she said the her sister said "If you work there, you will be bringing home all kinds of losers" to which my ex replied, to her sister: "Thanks for your faith in me. I haven't brought anyone home at all at my job now. I keep home and work separate." (They know her and her mistakes. So, the comment isn't totally unfounded; but I think right now she is being extra cautious. I also hear her saying that she feels controlled. All I can say is that she needs to stand up for herself and tell them she appreciates their help; but that she has to use other avenues sometimes. I do that with my parents. Otherwise, they will control your every move based on their whims.
Well, like I said, we had a nice day driving up and back from Dr.s appt. She even had me stop on the side of the road, so she could take pictures of a stream. I dropped her off; because she had to go for the interview later and needed to get the kids to her dad. I wished her luck and left.
Yes, I know it may never be and I started to accept that a bit yesterday; but I don't knowthat it is definitely over. I think she still sees possibility; but is not ready. For the meantime, I will go about my life and do things and if she and I get time together that is okay for now. When I decide I have had enough, then I will totally give up. However, right now, I have no need to. I will take whatever comes along be it her or someone else.
Well, it looks like for the forseable future, it is over.
I brought the kids to church yesterday and she met us there. Afterwards, while the kids were at religious education classes, she and I went for coffee. During our conversation, she mentioned that she had asked her parents to watch the kids on Saturday night. She told me that they wouldn't; because they were not going to promote her and I going out. From there, I guess they must have talked to her in length about this; because she started telling me how they asked her why she was doing this. Then she said to me that she didn't know how she got back into us seeing each other as much as we do. (Me, I look at it one of 2 ways.
1. she is a weak person who is easily manipulated. We have seen this in both the affair and how she gets controlled by her parents...especially her mom. However, she does not see this I don't want my kids to learn from her mom...they deserver better people to learn from than this woman who is bitter about everything.)
2. She really does care for me and is afraid to take a chance or to tell her parents that.
Whatever the case may be, she is in a total backpedal on everything and it upsets me that she doesn't see anything clearly. I can't fix that for her and I can only keep going forward. Funny thing is that after our conversation of how I was this way and that way, she doesn't see her own faults and especially the affair with the married guy thing. She keeps saying that it happened after so it has no bearing on us. However, it does. She has regrets and tells me that sh just wants to bury it and never talk about it. that if her parents were to find out, that they would never speak to her again!!! (Pretty sad to think that. I know that my parents my be greatly disappointed; but they would never stop talking to me.) She made a comment to me in her anger to "grow up". I have. It seems to me that she is the one who has to do that. I love my parents; but they could never control who or what I do as she lets hers do. She claims they don't; but if that is true, then why does she need to sneak around to go out with friends, etc.??? Again, I know, not my problem; but it saddens me that's all.
One other thing is that after this conversation, I told her that if she ever changes her mind, I hope she does before it actually is too late. Then 4 hours later I get a callback from a message I left on her phone about and issue with our 6yr old at religion class. During her callback, she asks me if I am still going to be able to pick up our son and keep him for few hours while she works her new job!!! I told her I could; but if she doesn't need me in her life together, I do have a job that I need to do also. I just hate being used. She also walked off her job after finishing her shift Saturday night. She was supposed to work Sunday. I agree that she needed to leave that job; but to just leave and not say anything, at 40, almost 41yrs old, is immature.
I don't hate her, I am disappointed in her. I forgive her; but I am hurt too. It's one thing to lose her and I; but to also lose my kids hurts so much. Anyway, I woke up at 4am, like I have recently; but this time, I had a great deal of anxiety, fear and a feeling of loneliness. I am scared of this happening every night. I am scared of never having a life that I feel good about (I know that it will get better; but I am lonely. I have one brother who is 15yrs younger and he doesn't live nearby and we are not close. Also, my parents, though they love me and I them, are not on the same page. So, I have 3 friends to turn to. One is a couple that I had introduced to each other and I visit them twice a week to watch tv. the other I see after he teaches class at night on thursdays. I try to keep involved in stuff; but even thiugh I have alot of free time, I do not enjoy being alone in my apartment. I never have, even way back before I was married. However, I don't have alot of cash flow to go out. So, I am really getting depressed at times. Not deep depression; but loneliness. For her, she has 3 sisters, the kids, etc. She complains about them to me; but at least she has that.
I miss coming home to someone and I know that is something I fear the most. I loved being married, having a family, etc. I know someday I will have part ofthat again; but I will never have the joy of being there daily for my kids. that is unfair. I hate that my kids will grow up under her parents influence and learn to be that way. Believe me, I am not perfect; but I do know right from wrong. I just hope that my kids understand that I never left them and I love them so much. I sometimes question why God did this to me. I know He didn't, it's that free will thing and how other peoples decisions affect others lives. But I guess I want to catch a break and I feel guilty that I may actually find happiness with someone else and scared that I may not find anyone who will accept my kids. I am scaredthat my stepson and I will grow apart again; because we only see each other when we workout.
I know this is ranting; but I know I did my best and for her to totally not acknowledge any of it stinks. Heck, I forgave her for her part in this and even her affair. You know the one she wants to bury. Yes, there is alot of anger in me that someone who did what she did can get the kids, money, etc. and me, though not perfect, has become a better person and reaps no benefits, is alone most of the time, etc.
Well, nothing new. I did go on a date last night; but it wasn't the right person. She was nice; but... Supposed to see another woman tomorrow; but we'll see. And surprise surprise, when it rains it pours!!! I was out somewhere talking to this guy and his wife comes in to meet him and we all get talking and she says "oh, you're single? Would you like to meet a friend of mine?" I explain to her that although not shallow, I am leery of blind dates. Her husband says "I think he would fit better with Kathy than your other friend" SO the woman calls her and talks to her then hands methat phone. I got her number and will call her next week when she gets back from her trip. Well, that's it on that front. Not where I wanted it to go; but hey, I guess I have to take advantage of things as they come along, since my Ex doesn't seem to be able to make her own decisions. She lets other do it for her.
WHat I mean is that we were okay until her parents wouldn't watch the kids so we could go out. She said after talking to them "How did we get to where we were hanging with each other all the time?" In my head, it is either she is too weak and can't speak up for herself or maybe she doesn't want to admit it; but she does still care and such. But we will never know; because since then, I haven't received any calls from her but one. Never got a call on Monday or Wednesday on whether my stepson and I were meeting at the gym. And the call on Tuesday was to tell me that her sister would pickup our 6yr old son and bring him to her other sisters to play with her daughter!!! Let's see, before she needed me to get him and watch him; but now that her parents talked to her, it seems she just is totally backing away. Sad really; but I don't want someone who is that easily influenced. What bothers me most is that as my kids grow, I fear they will be closer to her family and these are my only kids and I fear holidays and never seeing them as much or any possible grandchildren. This really sucks.
