Well, it looks like for the forseable future, it is over.
I brought the kids to church yesterday and she met us there. Afterwards, while the kids were at religious education classes, she and I went for coffee. During our conversation, she mentioned that she had asked her parents to watch the kids on Saturday night. She told me that they wouldn't; because they were not going to promote her and I going out. From there, I guess they must have talked to her in length about this; because she started telling me how they asked her why she was doing this. Then she said to me that she didn't know how she got back into us seeing each other as much as we do. (Me, I look at it one of 2 ways.
1. she is a weak person who is easily manipulated. We have seen this in both the affair and how she gets controlled by her parents...especially her mom. However, she does not see this I don't want my kids to learn from her mom...they deserver better people to learn from than this woman who is bitter about everything.)
2. She really does care for me and is afraid to take a chance or to tell her parents that.
Whatever the case may be, she is in a total backpedal on everything and it upsets me that she doesn't see anything clearly. I can't fix that for her and I can only keep going forward. Funny thing is that after our conversation of how I was this way and that way, she doesn't see her own faults and especially the affair with the married guy thing. She keeps saying that it happened after so it has no bearing on us. However, it does. She has regrets and tells me that sh just wants to bury it and never talk about it. that if her parents were to find out, that they would never speak to her again!!! (Pretty sad to think that. I know that my parents my be greatly disappointed; but they would never stop talking to me.) She made a comment to me in her anger to "grow up". I have. It seems to me that she is the one who has to do that. I love my parents; but they could never control who or what I do as she lets hers do. She claims they don't; but if that is true, then why does she need to sneak around to go out with friends, etc.??? Again, I know, not my problem; but it saddens me that's all.
One other thing is that after this conversation, I told her that if she ever changes her mind, I hope she does before it actually is too late. Then 4 hours later I get a callback from a message I left on her phone about and issue with our 6yr old at religion class. During her callback, she asks me if I am still going to be able to pick up our son and keep him for few hours while she works her new job!!! I told her I could; but if she doesn't need me in her life together, I do have a job that I need to do also. I just hate being used. She also walked off her job after finishing her shift Saturday night. She was supposed to work Sunday. I agree that she needed to leave that job; but to just leave and not say anything, at 40, almost 41yrs old, is immature.
I don't hate her, I am disappointed in her. I forgive her; but I am hurt too. It's one thing to lose her and I; but to also lose my kids hurts so much. Anyway, I woke up at 4am, like I have recently; but this time, I had a great deal of anxiety, fear and a feeling of loneliness. I am scared of this happening every night. I am scared of never having a life that I feel good about (I know that it will get better; but I am lonely. I have one brother who is 15yrs younger and he doesn't live nearby and we are not close. Also, my parents, though they love me and I them, are not on the same page. So, I have 3 friends to turn to. One is a couple that I had introduced to each other and I visit them twice a week to watch tv. the other I see after he teaches class at night on thursdays. I try to keep involved in stuff; but even thiugh I have alot of free time, I do not enjoy being alone in my apartment. I never have, even way back before I was married. However, I don't have alot of cash flow to go out. So, I am really getting depressed at times. Not deep depression; but loneliness. For her, she has 3 sisters, the kids, etc. She complains about them to me; but at least she has that.
I miss coming home to someone and I know that is something I fear the most. I loved being married, having a family, etc. I know someday I will have part ofthat again; but I will never have the joy of being there daily for my kids. that is unfair. I hate that my kids will grow up under her parents influence and learn to be that way. Believe me, I am not perfect; but I do know right from wrong. I just hope that my kids understand that I never left them and I love them so much. I sometimes question why God did this to me. I know He didn't, it's that free will thing and how other peoples decisions affect others lives. But I guess I want to catch a break and I feel guilty that I may actually find happiness with someone else and scared that I may not find anyone who will accept my kids. I am scaredthat my stepson and I will grow apart again; because we only see each other when we workout.
I know this is ranting; but I know I did my best and for her to totally not acknowledge any of it stinks. Heck, I forgave her for her part in this and even her affair. You know the one she wants to bury. Yes, there is alot of anger in me that someone who did what she did can get the kids, money, etc. and me, though not perfect, has become a better person and reaps no benefits, is alone most of the time, etc.
