Deb/Fizzle....I am so truly sorry for your crappy night. You have no idea. I wish I had Loooooong arms to hug you right now.
I don't know what to say, except what I think I would do in the situation, and that may not be right for you.
Did he just recently leave monster? Is he in MLC? If so, you know this is like a virus, just takes its course, and not a whole lot you can do but sit it out and focus on other things.
I am so sorry that he has come back and out again, but that's kinda common in MLC. My H did the same....things were rosy, then whack...back out again.
It's no help to hear this from me, I wish I could take your pain away, and maybe have split a few beers with you.
If this were me (and it's not), I would "talk" tonight. But, I would not say much. I would listen. I would let him talk, spew, lie, whatever he's about to do...to save face. Then, even if he swears his undying love, I think I would ask him to leave the house.
I think you both have a LOT of unresolved issues that it was hard to start back into normal life again. He has a LOT of crap on his plate....and he can take that somewhere else, and leave you to be with your kids and your life.
His thing with OW has not reached the natural end it was meant to...and perhaps him leaving, "chasing" that again, will make that come faster. All in all, he needs to do this on his own....to spiral again to depression and pick himself back up, without your help.
Thanks, LivnLearn and Always. I need all the hugs (and prayers!) I can get right now. I think-actually I'm sure-I'm in shock. I just know I am way past sick to death of this. Always, I'm sure he is in mlc and is depressed, I had thought he was pretty much through it, but obviously I was wrong. He never left home, ever, though. maybe he should have.
I suppose I will "talk" tonight. Although honest to God, I can't fathom what else there is to say. I'm waivering about asking him to leave, one minute I'm ready, the next I'm not sure. I think I would probably do better if I didnt have to see him though. If money were no object, I would ask him to, I believe. It really is a concern, though, especially w/ S's diabetes...he HAS to have the supplies, etc, and they are expensive, test strips alone are sometimes 100.00/week, and so far insurance has not kicked in one red nickle. or pink or orange or any other color of nickel for that matter.
I did have an email from him a bit ago, asking me if I was able to get a tire fixed (had a flat) and saying he was "awfully sorry about all this" @#$%%%#^&* WTF!!!! idiot. Then he signed it "your D". the guy is frickin nuts.
WCW--yeah, I'm not feeling so hot today. in fact that is an understatement. I don't know about his talking....I will let him, but he talks all the time!!! in circles, it seems like. I didnt give any new ultimatums last night, just asked if he remembered what I said 2 years ago....so yes, I know, there are gonna have to be some teeth.
Always, I reread your post, see you asked about if he just left monster...."we were broke up for over a year" is how he put it last night...may of 05; makes my skin crawl, sure sounds to me like they've gotten back together.
Fizzle. If he's MLC...then I have read that sometimes they "revisit" and have a "final rebellion" nearing the end. This may be that time for him. I think he's feeling low, running again, b/c it was the powerful drug of choice. Fixing things with your family is NOT easy....being with her IS easy.
I'm not pushing you, this is your decision and you have to do what's right for you and when it's right for you.
However...carefully weigh the pros/cons of asking him to leave. There are many in each category, and in the end, you will know.
For me, it was the weight of daily stress of living with someone who was on the rollercoaster that was difficult, nothing I did mattered or made a difference. I gained weight, slept better, and feel that I'm getting back to ME again. In many ways, I wouldn't trade the separation for the world. I don't want to be with H during his horrible phases. That is his to deal with.
THis is such lunacy and nonsense, and as much as we try to understand, it still is a train wreck in our lives. At some point, you let go of the rope and go your own way, and let the other person figure their path.....you're not closing the door, just driving around the wreck for a while until the other person is really healthy again. In all of this, you have to consider the emotional health/well-being of YOU and your kids.
Remember, put the mask on yourself before you help someone else.
Usually I like to prep myself mentally for intense discussions. I don't know if you watch cable, but there is a fella on one show I watch that is a bit of a tough guy and like to joke around with his sons and employees. A phrase he says often is, "Come over here and turn around so I can smack you up back of the head".
Now I'm not condonning domestic violence, but this might be a thought that will at least put a pleasant smirk, grin on your face for the discussion. My favorite approach is keep them guessing. Of course it you mix it with the, "I can't wait to see how he's going to try to explain his way out of this". Then there's always the thought, "If I'd had 5 beers, this might be funny, 10 might make this believable (no wait did that one).
Hopefully your smiling by now. My prayers are with you. I'm not trying to make fun of your sitch, just project sarcasm on your H, so you can smile. Try to have your head clear tonight and we'll be thinking of you here.
Hi Fizzle - I am so so sorry to hear this news. I agree with the others that you should have a clear head before a discussion and the pro/con list sounds good. I wish Ellie or Sage were around to offer expert advice for you. Just remember this has nothing to do you with you. He's the one that is depressed and sounds like he's still in mlc - la, la land. Hang in there. Could you call the DB coach you used previously (if I'm remembering right)? (((((Fizzle))))) SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
that is so weird, I couldnt log into the site...thanks phoenix and SP...I am working on getting my head together before tonight. don't know what I have to say, just listen I guess. I will try to do the list of pros and cons. I'm thinking I need to reread the last-resort and after the last resort, but don't have my book here. I don't think i have the money to call the DB coach...you're right SP, I did talk to one before. I took pictures of him down in my office, just makes me so sad to see them. I wish so much we had made it through this. I can hardly hold back the tears. Just had an email asking if I want him to stop by my office when he gets back in town. i havent answered, not sure what to tell him. I'm probably going to be a mess, but I have to go home and see him anyway. Poor S is still at his sisters. I'm thinking I better start another thread here soon.
If S is with his sister, is there any reason you can't stay in a hotel tonight, or with a friend, or with your daughter? Maybe it would be best to have this conversation on the phone, where you might feel more in control? Perhaps this is not an issue for you, and that's good if not.
Remember, you don't HAVE to go home or do anything else, only if you want to. Also, you don't HAVE to talk tonight...you can ask him to delay if you need some time to cool down.
Think about it. Remember, with MLC it's a little different....you CAN set some boundaries and start stepping up, it's not the normal delicacy of WAS....b/c regardless of what little things you do they need to ride out the MLC. You have limited impact in ways.
Hi Always, I just saw this. I am packed, and I could go to a hotel...I have my suitcase in the van. I dunno, I kinda do want to hear what he has to say. I did get the crappola about 'people always telling me what to do" last night, so it feels pretty delicate, but I need to reinforce and make it stick that he's either gonna end it with her completely and for good, or I'm through.
You know what though? I believe with all my heart she set this up to happen with the way she was acting at the staff meeting. no doubt in my mind. He did acknowledge that, though. I told him, and still say, "she gives new dimension to the term "player", she's a slick one, you gotta give her that".
@#$%%%#^&* WTF!!!! idiot. Then he signed it "your D". the guy is frickin nuts. 
Of course it you mix it with the, "I can't wait to see how he's going to try to explain his way out of this". Then there's always the thought, "If I'd had 5 beers, this might be funny, 10 might make this believable (no wait did that one).