oh man, I am so blown away. I am such an idiot sucker. Every thing is down the tubes and I don't know where to start now, what to do next.
I know people think I'm nuts, but I get these weird feelings with H, and they are pretty much always on target. To make a long story short, I've been having those for a while; Tuesday was all staff meeting, we had some idiot come up with the idea for drawing #'s for what table people had to sit at. I wound up at the table with H, monster was at the next table. When she walked by, I thought I would throw up. I thought she was going to screw H then and there...threw her chest and pelvis out, the look on her face...H didnt see it, he was (guiltily) looking down and away, but it was unmistakable. Being the sharp crayon I am, I knew. That night H wrote out the phone bill. 3X what it should be....so I decided to get it in black and white before I raised hell...so, checked the bill online....oh yeah....lets see, 59 calls to her regular # (including the night I took S13 to the hospital), 494 minutes; 30 calls to her cell phone...173 minutes. He started "doing paperwork" on Saturday a week or two before we left on vacation....
I was so furious I was shaking when he got home last night. Asked him how long he'd been back with the whore, he swore he wasnt, i showed him the phone bill, then he starts in with he's not seeing her, only calling....
i was off the wall furious. Screaming till my throat hurt, I called him a sleazy lying bastard, he called me a fat ass, and it went down hill from there. Poor S13 called his sister to come pick him up, and spent the night with her.
I must have asked him a million times how he could do this and how he could lie to me like that. Got just as many excuses, it's still all my fault for my failures, not losing enough weight, working out enough, my changes are not real, I've been an ass all my life and just recently became nice, he was mad at my "spying" on him... HE MISSED HER....
I was so furious I called her house and left a message calling her a whore and telling her to have fun on her answering machine. told him he could have her and to have fun. He kept saying he didnt want her....
Then I did what all bright people do when the going gets tough....drank about 10 beers. man do I have a headache today. I couldnt go into the house, I sat on the porch swing till sometime in the middle of the nite he came out...I did go in and go to bed then, and amazingly I slept (guess there was a positive to the beers)
This morning was hard. I am so used to loving him, it is like cutting off a part of my body to stay away from him. He said we needed to talk tonight...I asked him what else there was to talk about, which made him angry, he said he thought a lot, I told him I couldnt imagine anything that was left to say. Askd him again how the hell he could do that to me/us...and he said this time he "felt guilty about all the anger and fighting between them"...I lost it again, and said "but you don't care enough about me or your family to feel anything at all about us"...he said yes, he did...
So, now you know the rest of the story. I still don't have enough money to leave...I don't know what to do. I told him 2 years ago I was gone if he got back in touch with her. He does recall that, surprisingly. Guess that's what I need to do, don't even know how to go about it. I did pack a suitcase and put it in the back of the van last night....
Dang, I have a headache.
I'm also thinking I may need to change my name on here.
