this is a record, i havent posted in over a month. I decided to get back on to journal if nothing else, I find it helps me to keep my focus on how much progress I've made when I do that.
We just got back from a 2 week vacation, and I'm finding it as hard as ever to get back into everyday life. S13 is doing pretty well with managing his diabetes, has had some "highs" and "lows", had a really scary low while we were on vacation and after hiking, but we managed to get through it. He has been on an insulin pump since 2 weeks after his diagnosis, and i am so amazed at how he handles it.
I find myself still "wrestling" with my "issues" and pain from H's affair, still afraid it will pick back up...but still working hard to focus on what I need to do in my life. Progress seems so slow sometimes. Honestly it is easier to see it in our R/M than in myself.
When I find myself spiraling into the "what if's" of H/monster...I now can ususally remind myself that it really doesnt matter because there is nothing I can do about his behavior anyway....usually that helps, but there are times..... In a way, today is one of those times. I've been dreading this day because H's office got moved....to monster alley (his term) no less. he is now about 5 doors down from her office, when he was clear across the building and able to hide away from her. It's been tough to face knowing that she's walking by (I'm sure she is, he keeps saying she'e not interested in him) every chance she gets. I can't see she will ever give up. H has sent me 4 or 5 emails today though, and signed each "your D" and said ILY, to reassure me I guess. At least that is a positive, and it does help.
this years vacation was the best in years, actually. Many years, even before monster.....H was almost like a different person. He was patient, kind and loving. usually he is demanding and impatient and irritable, wanting to do nothing but hike and climb and angered at any thing that interferes with that or slows down his getting there in anyway. Not this year. In fact, and this is very strange, he didnt even hike all that much, didnt even do any timberline hikes. said they were kind of boring...instead he spent time playing tennis w/S13, miniature golf, knocking around the shops in town, and we went to restaurants numerous times without him complaining. Usually he complains big time.
A big thing happened, also. I'm sure it wont' seem like much to others but to me it was huge, and S13 thought so also. Since we stay in a cabin and do some food prep there, vacation always involves a trip to the grocery store, which is always crowded. For as long as I can remember, H has refused to help, always sat in the car in the parking lot and fumed and griped because I was taking too long. since S was a baby, I remember him doing this. THIS year, he actually went into the store, was pleasant and patient AND helped get supplies. I couldnt believe it.
I hugged him once, and scrapped up my courage, and said "thank you for being so loving, it means so much to me"...he hugged back and said "thank you"
H jokes sometimes about monster, but it is obvious that there is still a great deal of email contact. that is hard for me to deal with. He insists that she has borderline personality disorder, and I've done some research, so I can kind of see where he's coming from (scared myself too death, also) but it's still frustrating and aggravating.
for the last month or so, I had been recalling that the very week I got confirmation of the A, I had put an ILY note in H's lunch. I always wondered what he thought of that...I remember asking him that day if he'd found his note, and he said "yes I did" with no other comment....A couple of days later, all hell broke loose when I found out my suspicions were right. Several weeks ago, I did something I shouldnt have...I was really feeling "antsy" and raided his stash of love letters from monster....found one from that week that said "I hate to see you so upset"...I wondered what on earth he was so upset about at that time, and then recalled the note. I'm sure that was it, and I guess it gives me some consolation that even then, in the throes of "new love" he was still connected enough to be upset, if that makes sense.
I don't know if I posted here or not, but I found out that last year on vacation he bought a heart shaped stone paperweight for monster...that is what he was so upset about that she left in her car when she traded it...(H told me this)...even found out it was pink (S saw him buy it, told me what color it was this year)...So this year on vacation, we saw a t-shirt that had a skeleton sitting on a bench that said "waiting for Mr. Right" on it....we chuckled. H said he should buy that for someone (makes me think she dumped him, still, or sorta dumped him)...I commented, "I think I should buy it!"...later in the store I saw him looking at those same heart shaped paper weights, and i was a snot....went up to him, took his arm, and whispered in his ear "I like the shirt better" and then walked off. I spent days beating myself up thinking i shouldnt have done that, then decided "oh well".....
I also read a recent email of monsters to another guy, saying that she believes her "soul mate" is married to someone else. Gosh, wonder who she's talking about?????? ah well.
I am trying to, a teeny bit at a time, voice my concerns and needs to H....it is a very scary thing for me to do. he used to be so hateful, it's very hard for me to not "stuff" it all....but so far he is for the most part kind and loving, although not terribly responsive as far as "doing"
it occurred to me on vacation that the reason he is so weird and insistant about me "getting in shape" is that he wants me to hike with him. I know, duh.... I do intend to get back with the program better (I had lost about 13 pounds when S got sick, not doing well now with it) Only problem is, I am absolutely sick of hiking in that place, no matter how good of shape i'm in, walking 25 miles at 12 - 13,000 feet elevation is just not my idea of a great time. I guess that will have to be dealt with another time.
Another difference on vacation this year was that H mentioned that maybe we should think of going to another place (another specific mountain range)...ALWAYS before he is insisted this is where we HAVE to go, and I've just gone along. I just validated like crazy when he said that...
One other thing that happened that I thought was big, that made me feel like "Finally real progress"...we saw an older couple that was so cute/cool....they had to be in late 70's, our parents ages, and the guy had this long gray ponytail....anyway, they were riding down the street on this bright yellow, huge 3-wheeled motorcycle. We chuckled, and H said "there we go, that's what we'll have to do when we're that age, that'll be our hobby"...again, I just validated, said it sounded like a great plan to me and I was game...I have to admit it sounds like a heck of a lot more fun than walking and climbing for 12 hours a day!
I am really so unsure of how to voice my concerns to H....Ellie mentioned that was part of piecing not so long ago, but it's still hard. He really does seem to have had a change of heart though...
Oh, yeah, I was going to post, I'm thinking that something must have happened about the time that S13 went to the hospital....remember I was so upset because H didnt go with me, and i suspected he was on the phone w/monster....I still suspect that, but that is really about the time I began to sense a distinct difference in H...hard to put my finger on it specifically, but it is there and very real. Also, H mentioned to me on vacation that he had had an email convo w/monster in which he mentioned that he is flabbergasted by a couple that is divorcing (monsters supervisor, unfortunately), that they were the last people he would have ever thought of that happening to, and that monster had replied to him that "divorce happens to everybody and it's a good thing and he just needs to get it through his head"...and that he had told her "well it's not good for me". I'm guessing that if I'm still, I will find out the "whole story" one of these days, if there's one thing I've learned in this, it's that. Heck, I not only know what it was he was so upset that he didnt get back from her car, I know what color it was!!!!
hmmmm, i've found myself "reviewing" the last 3 years a lot lately, I guess trying to sort stuff out in my mind and make sense of it, put it into some sort of framework....I think I'm trying to "encrypt" it into a "bump in the road" in the life our marriage.
anyway, I was thinking this past week, I know exactly the day when the EA turned P....I recall "that spring" of '03....H said he was going out with a friend, a guy that he used to occasionally go out with...I said "ok"...H was really really weird, hard to explain...he was never that way before though. Wouldnt tell me where they were going. Didnt meet the guy at our house (always did)...H was out much later than he said he would be, and I couldnt sleep, so i called his cell at like 2 am....he was furious....wouldnt have been if he was out for pizza and beer with his friend. within the last month made the comment that I shouldnt worry about monster, she was nothing more than a nickel whore, a $20 meal and cup of coffee was all it took....and he commented that another female coworker had stated that she couldnt imagine any self-respecting woman having sex on the first date when he was talking about monster (annonymously)... I guess both of us are working on a retrospective. H also commented once that he wondered what unfinished business he had from a college relationship that he had to work on so he chose monster. He's said she reminds him so much of that girl, and that he used to even call her that name (which always pissed her off)....the db coach I talked with even mentioned that was most likely "part of the story"....
hi Ellie, good to hear from you. I so hope that he really does finally see through the fog. Sure seems to. and yes, I'm gonna try to get up the nerve and venture into his office. used to do that a lot. He is still here only one day a week though, and we're both still hoping eventually he'll be in the out of town office everyday. been hoping that for a year now....
Oh, yeah, don't know if I posted this or not, but he did say that she has been conspicously invisible today. previously, he had mentioned monster had said she had been told 2x by HR to knock off the A...but of course her great love for H (puke) compelled her to continue. wonder if she's been advised to make herself scarce?????
ah, well. I just hope the loving guy I'm seeing glimpses of these days continues to emerge from his shell. I just got an email calling me dear, and saying he'd see me soon and was looking forward to it.
I guess I struggle so to understand because it is so hugely out of character for him to have an affair, and with that type of person to boot. Just totally off the wall weird. But then we all know that story, huh?
Hi Deb - I wondered if you wouldn't mind glancing at my latest post? My H started his mlc spring of '03 so around the same time as your H. There was a wierd cell phone incident last night and I just wanted your take on it you have a minute.
Thanks, Deb SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
oh man, I am so blown away. I am such an idiot sucker. Every thing is down the tubes and I don't know where to start now, what to do next.
I know people think I'm nuts, but I get these weird feelings with H, and they are pretty much always on target. To make a long story short, I've been having those for a while; Tuesday was all staff meeting, we had some idiot come up with the idea for drawing #'s for what table people had to sit at. I wound up at the table with H, monster was at the next table. When she walked by, I thought I would throw up. I thought she was going to screw H then and there...threw her chest and pelvis out, the look on her face...H didnt see it, he was (guiltily) looking down and away, but it was unmistakable. Being the sharp crayon I am, I knew. That night H wrote out the phone bill. 3X what it should be....so I decided to get it in black and white before I raised hell...so, checked the bill online....oh yeah....lets see, 59 calls to her regular # (including the night I took S13 to the hospital), 494 minutes; 30 calls to her cell phone...173 minutes. He started "doing paperwork" on Saturday a week or two before we left on vacation....
I was so furious I was shaking when he got home last night. Asked him how long he'd been back with the whore, he swore he wasnt, i showed him the phone bill, then he starts in with he's not seeing her, only calling....
i was off the wall furious. Screaming till my throat hurt, I called him a sleazy lying bastard, he called me a fat ass, and it went down hill from there. Poor S13 called his sister to come pick him up, and spent the night with her.
I must have asked him a million times how he could do this and how he could lie to me like that. Got just as many excuses, it's still all my fault for my failures, not losing enough weight, working out enough, my changes are not real, I've been an ass all my life and just recently became nice, he was mad at my "spying" on him... HE MISSED HER....
I was so furious I called her house and left a message calling her a whore and telling her to have fun on her answering machine. told him he could have her and to have fun. He kept saying he didnt want her....
Then I did what all bright people do when the going gets tough....drank about 10 beers. man do I have a headache today. I couldnt go into the house, I sat on the porch swing till sometime in the middle of the nite he came out...I did go in and go to bed then, and amazingly I slept (guess there was a positive to the beers)
This morning was hard. I am so used to loving him, it is like cutting off a part of my body to stay away from him. He said we needed to talk tonight...I asked him what else there was to talk about, which made him angry, he said he thought a lot, I told him I couldnt imagine anything that was left to say. Askd him again how the hell he could do that to me/us...and he said this time he "felt guilty about all the anger and fighting between them"...I lost it again, and said "but you don't care enough about me or your family to feel anything at all about us"...he said yes, he did...
So, now you know the rest of the story. I still don't have enough money to leave...I don't know what to do. I told him 2 years ago I was gone if he got back in touch with her. He does recall that, surprisingly. Guess that's what I need to do, don't even know how to go about it. I did pack a suitcase and put it in the back of the van last night....
Dang, I have a headache.
I'm also thinking I may need to change my name on here.
I am so sorry about your situation. You have DBed your butt off and I could strangle your H.
I have a feeling that if your H were to actually end up with Monster, the shine would be of their R, as Monster seems to thrive on creating havoc more than anything. She'd soon be working on her next conquest. And if she thinks divorce is good, then I hope it happens painfully and frequently to her, just so she can really enjoy it to full effect.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))