I havent posted for a week again things just are so hectic. Interestingly though, I think I'm doing better right now, in large part from a friend who responded to my personal email with a needed 2X4.......yes, I've been pissing and moaning with my "what about me" pity party, kinda slid down that slippery slope again. any way, my wise friend asked, tongue in cheek, if I expected him to be on bended knee asking/begging forgiveness and professing his undying love every day for the rest of our lives. and I thought, well, yes, as a matter of fact I do. That would pretty much take care of it! and she pointed out that he's not gonna do that, that guys don't like to be reminded of this stuff over and over, and that he sees his apologies and the fact that he's "here" as being "proof of the pudding" so to speak. Thanks, Debra, you Wise Woman! and, we watched Narnia again with the kids, and the part where Edmund is talking in private to Aslan, confessing his horrible sins against the others, and then Aslan tell the others "there is no need to speak of this with again, what's done is done" and knowing how bad Edmund has been, even to him, Aslan is still ready and willing to die to keep him from the witch, really hit home....again.
So, lets hope it lasts longer this time!!!!!
I still see mlc stuff in H, which is troubling, but I'm workng on just living with it without being overwhelmed by it. As an example, I bought him a couple of polo shirts. He was commenting that the sleeves need to fit tighter to show off his biceps, but maybe they will shrink enough in hot water.
I was going to post and then forgot, 2 weeks ago on a Tuesday evening when i was having such a hard time, and someone mention how i kept torturing myself, I went to check for phone cards while H was at work. I felt driven to. As I was going down the stairs, I kept thinking, why are you doing this? you know what you will find, are you prepared to deal with it, how will you handle it, and WHY DO YOU KEEP TORTURING YOURSSELF. Still felt driven to do it. so I went. and looked for phone cards. looked every place they have been stashed for the the last 3 years. and found.....nothing. not a thing. could he have hidden them elsewhere, or have them on him, sure, but he never bothered to do so before, not sure why he would now. I'm sure that didnt hurt my mood one bit.
Also, Debra reminded me that when my life is at it needs to be, it WON'T MATTER what off-the wall thing H might decide to do, because I'll be OK no matter what. That reminded me of where my focus needs to be: on what it is that I need to be doing about ME....but of course still working on "us"...
