Hi Deb, I've been following along here. My H is acting alot like yours right now. He doesn't have a monster to contend with, but he has alot of stuff he isn't dealing with.
I am feeling the same about the refusal to be a partner thing. I'm trying so hard and it seems he's doing nothing. It's really hard not to go back to the old me who would just go ahead and let him know all the things he is doing "wrong". The other night I couldn't hold it in any longer--I told him I thought when we got back together things were going to be better, we even agreed things would be better. But in some ways things are worse! He said he felt the same way! And he was pissy as usual that I insisted on bringing it up. He does NOT want to talk about it. Grrrr! I know it's not me this time. Before I would have just been so hurt and trying so much harder to make him happy. But it's not me. He admitted that he is depressed, stressed and unhappy. He's looking for something to make him happy. He's been doing that since I've known him. He buys a different car every 18 months to two years. It's just a way to give himself a boost. He's overweight, has high blood pressure, drinks and smokes and stresses about his job all the time. When we were first together 10 years ago he didn't have any of these issues except smoking. He didn't drink and weight was fine. Money issues are the same, even though we keep our money separate. He freaks out if I spend money on something he thinks I shouldn't. The other night he came home at 3 a.m. after losing $250 at the casino. He'd been up $600 but couldn't quit. He was just beside himself when he got home, beating himself up over it. I've seen him gambling--gets that glazed look in his eyes.
Anyway, I know he has some big problems with himself. I told him he was self destructing right before my eyes. He knows. I tried to gently suggest he get some help. He got angry! He knows what he needs to do. He'd gone through rehab when I met him. He told me he knows what he needs to do. He's just not ready yet I guess.
I've got to decide what I want to do. I want to fix him, but I know better.
I'm thankful for your posts because they help me remember this. And I am remembering that I'm getting too wrapped up in him again and I've got to get back to my own life.
But I'm sure getting tired of this too. I love him dearly, but I'm not getting much back. It does help that I know it isn't my fault, but it's still lonely. And sometimes I just want to go away and be done with it.
