Hi deb, STOP THE TORTURE. Easier said than done....I still do it too. The way I see it, H is in some sort of weird mode right now, and it's ready to be honest or cut the cord. Have you thought more about leaving for a few days? Just for a break for you? Memorial Day is coming up, that could be nice. Just to help you push back to detaching again. Think about it.

Something you said really struck me. The fact that you don't trust your own perception of reality anymore. Last week, I drove to my hotel crying, and I realized that it wasn't because I was angry at the A, jealous of OW, racked with sadness rage at the A--but because I felt CRAZY...genuine, real craziness. I felt hysterical, anxious, and unable to discern reality from imagination or lies, this fictional reality that H presented to me and I forced myself to believe. I felt hysterical b/c all day I pushed myself into a world that was reality...my job....one where I was a professional doing a job that I was good at...but then I flip to this issue, and I don't know what is real or fake, I don't know what my role is, I feel like a failure all the time and I'm always wearing masks and acting. Pretty soon the 2 worlds collide and I find myself unable to flip and I always feel like I'm floating in a world of lies.

I realized that when I demanded to know the truth through snooping or asking questions, it wasn't to find the truth and satisfy me or confirm doubts....I could care less how horrible it was, I didn't care if I could handle it....it was because, no matter how bad, I wanted so desperately to grasp onto some sliver of reality...or, shall I say, my sanity.

Not to babble about my stuff for no reason, but I see where you are now. It's like your mind is a rat on a wheel, and you're getting dizzy.

My advice: stop thinking about it, stop ASSuming (like Ellie said), wait for the facts ,they will come, and get away for a bit....find ways to detach.

You said that H goes on long walks...how about you do the same, without him. Fresh air, and a good walk (30 min) will be GREAT for you. Can you take a walk with a co-worker at lunch? H will also get the hint that you're GAL and taking your health into your own hands, with others and enjoying it. Don't need him to push you on that matter.

Tomorrow, how about grabbing a friend and walking for 30 min....just once a week to start. Please??!!