ok gang, I need some insight or a 2x4 or something here to help me get my head on straight. I really don't know what to think this afternoon......

one little tidbit that I forgot to mention, over the weekend I noticed on h's side of the dresser one of those dumb little trinket things, a "pocket cross" with a cross cut out in center of a fake coin-like piece of metal. I mention this because I haven't seen it before, and "they" used to exchange that kind of jr. high junk. also, H occasionally makes noises about working weekends again, although he hasnt.

Last night, I was exhausted and hadnt felt well for some reason all day. after dinner, about 8:30, I told H I was just going to go read in bed for a couple of hours. H went to work out, but was upstairs in less than an hour. 1st thing he said was "you need to be working out"....he's right, I do, I've been miserable at it for the last month, and I replied "yes, you're right, I do, and I intend to get back more regularly".....

H got in bed and held me, closely, and stroked my arm and back for a long time. long enough I found myself thinking I needed a breather, which is really unusual. we talked....I dont' know how it started, but he said something to the effect that he appreciated that I loved him, and that he knows that I do. I asked him how he knows now, what was different, when he evidently didnt understand that before. H said "because you stood by me through all of this, and loved me anyway no matter what"....and you are always concerned about me and how things affect me, it's not just about you". I said I do worry about him, and even when he was with monster and so upset, I worried about what it was doing to him apart from us. H commented how with her it was always about what she could get and what it was in it for her, and how badly she hurt him. Said somewhere in there that I take care of him and "that's another way of showing love for someone". Said "she's just a mean dirty whore and I hate her"....the last part pretty vehemently.
H initiated ml, but had a hard time "finishing"....

I know he had a hard time sleeping, and asked me several times in the night to hold him. i know I woke up once and he was....ummmmm....can't remember the slang, so I'll just say it....masturbating....which struck me as odd, and he asked me what was wrong (??? )...told him I had a pin in my shoulder that woke me up (true)

h was ok this morning, said ILY before work....sooooooooo, fast forward then to this afternoon. I was busy all morning and didnt email him nor get any from him. had a meeting from just before noon that I got back from at about 2:30. As I was walking in, I happened to glance down the hallway ahead of me...through glass panes in 2 doors, and who do I see but monster, with a guy walking behind her into her office. I couldnt tell if it was h or not, actually it didnt occur to me till a bit later that it might have been, my initial impression was that the guy was shorter and stockier but his walk was a lot like H's and he had on a similar colored shirt....

get to my office, see H had sent an email about 1 saying he was scheduled to meet with his supervisor at 2....at 2:45, shortly after I got back to my desk and had seen monster and "the guy", H's supervisor was up here by my office, so H wasn't meeting with him then. got a brief email about 3, saying that he needed to make phone calls and would email more later, heard monster being paged about 3:30.

I did have the thought that he surely wouldnt be going into here office with the other nurse there, but then realized the other nurse is gone today. havent heard anymore from H, I did check the schedule and he has an appt. at 4....

I don't know if I'm overreacting, or what. It was a year ago this coming Sunday I found the emails monster had sent him last year on our anniversary, and that still stings. Stings even more around the "anniversary" times. I don't know if I should ask/confront him or just ignore. no I can't control his behavior, and the classic question, would it get me closer to or further from my goal, I'm not sure about. asking him will probably irritate him, but I'm kind of in a weird place these days, because I just really don't know how much more I have the patience to take if he's back with her. I can't imagine life with out him, but this is just wearing me out after so much time. I still love him and want him, but why doesnt he let me know without a doubt that it's over for good.....maybe he thinks he has, I dont know.

If it had been him walking into monster's office, would I have instantly recognized him? I think so, but I was so caught off guard, I dont' really know what to think. That another part of the problem, I don't even trust my own perception of reality anymore.

Do I ask him if he was in her office? I suppose he'll not only get angry, but lie.

the thought occured to me last night as I was reading, I glanced at his brief case in it's usual spot in the bedroom, and the thought occured to me that I bet I could open it, stick my hand in the pocket where he always kept the damn emails and pictures and letters, and pull out another handful. didnt, because I also thought I couldnt take it.

I also had the thought last night and this morning that he must have been looking at "stuff" from her or emails or emailing or "something" for him to be in the kind of mood he was when he came upstairs. I guess it's really a act of "rope dropping" to be able to just go to bed and read, and not particularly worry about it at the time. Or maybe it's just being foolish and naive. i really don't know what to think any more.

been around awhile!