Hi all, just now getting a minute to post, things are just so wild at work these days.
How did I handle things????? well, probably not too whoppy....I was really down all morning at work Friday. disheartened. Got home about noon, having stopped to pick up something for lunch on the way....thinking what a great way to celebrate (not!).... Anyway, I walked in the door and H immediately appeared from nowhere...somewhere....I don't know where he came from, but all of a sudden he was beside me. soaked in sweat so he had obviously been hurrying to workout and get done with that. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me; said he was sorry for being so grumpy earlier in the morning, and that if I really wanted to go somewhere, we would go, just pack and go. said "I'm serious, I mean it, but I'd like to be back by noon tomorrow"......OK, I SHOULD HAVE jumped on it, but I didnt....told him it would be better to wait until another time. I really had the wind out of my sails by then and was so down I didnt feel like going. H said we could go out for dinner, I told him again it was probably better to do it another time.....We hadnt made any plans and didnt have anything to do with S13. I was really pretty blue, and H said he had gotten me an anniversary card and that it was upstairs in our room for me....I just said thanks....a few minutes later he said "well just a minute" and went upstairs and got it and gave it to me. We did kind of have a discussion, I told him I need for us to be able to do some fun things together every now and then; he said he agreed and wanted to also (???????) but that he worries about money and the old stuff (you know who and what) still gets to him. That he thinks we should wait till we have more money and then do bigger fun things (same day I noticed he wrote a check for $100 for a professional book). I told him that I really need to do some stuff even if it's not big, that it hurts because I feel like he doesnt want to be with me, and that I'm even 1/2 afraid to go on vacation this year because it's so painful to see him so mournful over m....he said it's getting better, he doesnt think it'll be a problem. that evening, he came to me and suggested having the kids over for a barbecue on Sunday (today is their ann.) and he would grill etc., so I agreed, and we did do that, it was pretty fun although freezing outside. I did give the kids a small anniversary gift yesterday and gave H his card then and a cd...nothing big...I should have given him the card on our anniversary, but was so down I didnt have the heart to. Then the next day didnt seem right, so I gave it to him at the "party" when I gave the kids theirs.
In the night either Friday or Saturday, he asked me why i was so mean to him all those years ??????????????????? still not too sure what to make of that, i swear to God as I've thought and thought and thought, I was NOT "mean" to him, preoccupied and doing my own thing, yes, but not mean, and frankly I think I've always done a lot more than a lot of women do...too much maybe, perhaps that's the problem. I really don't know what to think of his comments.
i didnt know what to say, I just replied that I didnt think either of us was very kind/considerate to the other "back when"....and he said "well, maybe towards the end"....so, I get the impression he's still blaming me for ......what, I'm not sure. So maybe I'm being punished.
An aunt & uncle of mine have their 50th anniversary party this coming Saturday, of course H grumped about it when the invitation came. I asked him this morning if he would go with me, and of course he pretty much refused. So, I guess i'll go by myself, I don't really want to, don't care for these folks all that much, but feel like I should at least make the dinner to support my parents....sounds warped and confusing, i'm sure, but anyway.....
Got an email from him this morning that started out "Good morning Love".
bleh...................I don't know what to think. I know I shoul have sucked it up and put on a happy face and GONE when he said he'd go Friday, but I didnt have a happy face left to put on that day.
I cant decide if he's punishing me, or just his usual messed up self. I will make certain I encourage him to follow up on the AD's if he ever mentions it again though. guess i better pray he does!
