Today is our 27th anniversary and it's already turned into a really sucky day. I only have a minute to post, but felt like I needed to. I didnt get home from work last night till 10, had wanted to take vacation today but couldnt because of departmental obligations beyond my control. So that 's kind of a downer. H told me last night he hoped I hadnt made any reservations today because he didnt want to do anything, now gee, where have I heard that. In the night last night, H woke up screaming, literally screaming as though he was being stabbed, I have never heard him like this before, from leg cramps evidently. 3 times he screamed like this, it was very frightning and usettling. I think he did have a terrible cramp though because I took hold of his calf (he asked me to) and I could feel what felt like a rope in it. really weird.
So this morning, things really went downhill. H was pissing and moaning about work as usual. no happy anniverary, no ILY, nothing. i just finally stopped talking about work and started getting ready to go... he must have noticed I got quiet because he came in the room as I was dressing, and kind of whispered ILY...I was bent over, facing away from him...and "you do?" popped out of my mouth. which got him really upset...he got irritated, and replied "why do you say that? it really hurts my feelings"...I told him I don't know what to think sometimes, that it hurts my feelings as well because it seems like he doesnt want to do anything with me or be with me....and that feels hurtful to me. Of course then I got all damn teary eyed, I hate that. t
I told him it's especially hurtful because way back when he'd told me how much better he felt whennn he was out doing stuff with monster, how he'd realized he needed to get out and do stuff, and how we were going to. and then he always has reasons not to.
He launched into his usual pissing and moaning about how he's just not ready, how sad and down it makes him, how bad it was when we went out of town in February, and how he's supposed to 'fake it" ....and of course he pissed and moaned about money. damned cheap ass, he thinks nothing of spending 100 bucks on a professional book, but oh god, spend 50 to take your wife out?
I told him I've tried to wait, tried to be patient and understanding, but it's really getting to me and getting me down. He said that makes him feel guilty, that all of this does. well, damn, imagine that.
At some point H said "maybe I need to call dr. and get back on AD's again"...I probably should have been more encouraging and supportive but I held back, just said, again kinda teary eyed, "I dont' know what else I can do to help you"....
Then he started back pedaling, saying "well we can go out to eat tonight, we could do that"....I said no, that's ok, I don't want you to feel pressured or have to fake it, so don't worry about it"....I'm sure that sounded like being a martyr, but I mean it. I am not happy about it, but I mean it.
Somewhere in there he said something about that he just cant get out to do stuff, and added: "that's why she didn't want me, maybe you don't either"...I really dont' know what to make of that comment...I didnt say much, seems like he said something again about feeling guilty and pressured, i said I was becoming resigned to the fact that it would always be something, some reason or excuse why he wouldnt do anything, and that I may as well face it. I put my towel in the hamper, left the room, went down the stairs, out the door and came to work.
I have no idea what to make of this. i just know I find myself wondering more and more if I can live the rest of my life like this....it is really on my mind these days. more than H would ever know. I honestly am beginning to question how much longer I wait for him to at least make an effort to meet my needs.
His comment about "that's why she didnt want me" really blew my mind. I think that says alot and explains alot about why he is still so stuck, and what really happened.
and you know what? I am wondering again if I want to be the default. the runner-up. pretty sure I don't.
What H is clueless about is, I'm not like monster with her yoyo back and forth on and off games. If I decide I'm done, I'm done. Guess that 's why I keep hanging on, so I'll be able to be done, really done, when/if I am.
What a crappy day. got to work all tearful, walk into my office and the boss is on my phone wanting me to come immediately to meet with her and a marketing rep who had screwed stuff up. I'm sure it was obvious I'd been crying, as I had no time to get my game face on. I'll probably be in the doghouse for that, although I was perfectly functional.
I have no clue what to think or do, could really use any insights anyone has.
