anyway, updating/journaling...wanted to say, always14 and dfb, I have also been thinking I just need some time away, even a few days. not sure how/when/where... I did want to journal that weekend before last when I was so upset, I asked H "wouldnt you be upset" referring to his disappearing for so long given past circumstances, he said "I don't know" and left to get lawnmower gas. When he got back, he came to me and put his arms around me and said "yes I would"...It had slipped my mind enough I didnt knwo what he was talking about and asked, he said "you asked earlier if I would be upset if you did that, I said I didnt know, I thought about it and yes I would. I'm sorry". and hugged and kissed me. I was pleasantly surprised that he was thinking about it.
Last week, he sent me a sweet "good luck" email just before a big open house I had to help with at work. Again, a pleasant surprise. This past weekend, We hung out and took lots of snuggling naps, watched a movie with the kids. Saturday AM, H walked again while S & I did errands. As it turned out, roles were reversed, H came home in about an hour, it took us 3 hours, and h was upset, said he'd come home thinking he'd get to see us and be with us and we werent there and he'd waited FOREVER. He seemed genuinely distressed. guess we're both looney tunes. Sunday, he lifted weights in the AM when he has usually walked, and walked, again for about 3 hours in the afternoon. That didnt bother me as much for some reason, maybe because we had talked about it. I told H that I had such a hard time before because I didnt expect him to be gone so long and when he was before, I was always certain that monster came and picked him up. H said that she didnt, that she didnt like getting out of bed before noon, so she wouldn't do that. I actually corrected him, said "but she must have done it some, with the times she tried to run over you"...and he admitted yes, she had (yeah, duh, I knew that) but that he learned real fast that was never a good idea because it always po'd her, her expectation was that he did all the work and that she always complained that their getting together was always at his convenience (duh again, hello monster, that's how affairs w/married guys tend to work).
wanted to post that before I lose another one...but anyway, after the convo about the "pick ups" in the morning, I did have one of those brain niggles about him switching to walk in the afternoon. But, he seemed "different" somehow when he got back. so, don't know....not too upset, surprisingly.
Today H is in a snit about work, about staff changes in the out of town office and getting his tail feathers nipped by one of the med staff about a client that isnt his. My guess is maybe they're a bit sensitized from monster's tales of woe. Anyway, he's really pissing and moaning about how he needs to get another job, just doenst know where to look, etc.,....well, yeah, I wish he would get another job, and I think with some creativity he could find one within commuting distance. but.....he has to do the work. I asked if he thought something might be opening up at the place he interviewed at before (I think about 2 years ago)...and he responded "no, they arent an option in my book".....interesting, since I found an email between him and monster around the time of that interview discussing a job there that he wasnt going to take even though it paid more. I suppose so he wouldnt have to leave the poor defenseless baby monster here to fend for herself. Sorta sucks, he's always moaning about money and we could use a better income. But, oh no, he didnt really spend much money on her....ok, that's my vent.
When he gets in one of these snits, I always figure/wonder if they havent gotten to fighting again, which of course does mean contact....
H did tell me that he got a voice mail message on his phone with someone eating and breathing...that he had no clue who it was, and he can't get the phone to call out. huh, not sure if I believe him, but I do know that the phone is one of those "prepaid" things the kids got him, and SIL commented that those numbers change because people let them expire, and then you get phone calls to peoples old numbers and they use up your minutes...so it could be true, could be he's lying again. I just know either he's gonna have to buy the stupid replacement cards or monster is because I'm out of it.
He also told me that when he and monster had the last email battle, he called her to settle it because his supervisor told him to...I do believe the supervisor told him that, the damn dummy, because it was discussed in administrative meetings. Said he'd gotten an email from monster that she and the entire med staff were disappointed that he didnt support them, that he replied he expects people to do their job and not screw-over "my people" no matter who they are, and that he never heard back from her.
I have to admit I looked at monster's personal ad...see she hasnt been active in over 2 weeks, dont' know if that's good or bad. has to mean either she's hooked up with somebody, or H has given her the bums rush again.
I dunno really what to think, but I still have the gut feeling this time that they arent back together. what makes the difference is the way he is towards me, the way he holds and kisses, which probably makes no sense, but it has always been a fail-proof indicator before. hard to explain.
Oh yeah, I also had the thought that one reason my melt-down may have been so quick that weekend, it was around an anniversary of sorts. April 19 the year before was the day of the annual meeting they both skipped out of and who knows what. I still remember the screaming fight that ensued when I got home that night.
This Friday is our 27th anniversary, I have to work the AM, havent made any plans, not sure if I should, a bit hesitant after February. I'll probably have some "twinges" that day also, as I recall last year a week or so later finding the email monster sent him ON OUR ANNIVERSARY talking about all the many great and happy years she was sure they would have together! yes, that loud retching sound is me.
So, that's the rest of the story. I swear, I don't know if it's me or it's him. I really don't. I keep thinking I need to read more through slowly's threads, I know she's had some of the same "stuff".....
Today is our 27th anniversary and it's already turned into a really sucky day. I only have a minute to post, but felt like I needed to. I didnt get home from work last night till 10, had wanted to take vacation today but couldnt because of departmental obligations beyond my control. So that 's kind of a downer. H told me last night he hoped I hadnt made any reservations today because he didnt want to do anything, now gee, where have I heard that. In the night last night, H woke up screaming, literally screaming as though he was being stabbed, I have never heard him like this before, from leg cramps evidently. 3 times he screamed like this, it was very frightning and usettling. I think he did have a terrible cramp though because I took hold of his calf (he asked me to) and I could feel what felt like a rope in it. really weird.
So this morning, things really went downhill. H was pissing and moaning about work as usual. no happy anniverary, no ILY, nothing. i just finally stopped talking about work and started getting ready to go... he must have noticed I got quiet because he came in the room as I was dressing, and kind of whispered ILY...I was bent over, facing away from him...and "you do?" popped out of my mouth. which got him really upset...he got irritated, and replied "why do you say that? it really hurts my feelings"...I told him I don't know what to think sometimes, that it hurts my feelings as well because it seems like he doesnt want to do anything with me or be with me....and that feels hurtful to me. Of course then I got all damn teary eyed, I hate that. t
I told him it's especially hurtful because way back when he'd told me how much better he felt whennn he was out doing stuff with monster, how he'd realized he needed to get out and do stuff, and how we were going to. and then he always has reasons not to.
He launched into his usual pissing and moaning about how he's just not ready, how sad and down it makes him, how bad it was when we went out of town in February, and how he's supposed to 'fake it" ....and of course he pissed and moaned about money. damned cheap ass, he thinks nothing of spending 100 bucks on a professional book, but oh god, spend 50 to take your wife out?
I told him I've tried to wait, tried to be patient and understanding, but it's really getting to me and getting me down. He said that makes him feel guilty, that all of this does. well, damn, imagine that.
At some point H said "maybe I need to call dr. and get back on AD's again"...I probably should have been more encouraging and supportive but I held back, just said, again kinda teary eyed, "I dont' know what else I can do to help you"....
Then he started back pedaling, saying "well we can go out to eat tonight, we could do that"....I said no, that's ok, I don't want you to feel pressured or have to fake it, so don't worry about it"....I'm sure that sounded like being a martyr, but I mean it. I am not happy about it, but I mean it.
Somewhere in there he said something about that he just cant get out to do stuff, and added: "that's why she didn't want me, maybe you don't either"...I really dont' know what to make of that comment...I didnt say much, seems like he said something again about feeling guilty and pressured, i said I was becoming resigned to the fact that it would always be something, some reason or excuse why he wouldnt do anything, and that I may as well face it. I put my towel in the hamper, left the room, went down the stairs, out the door and came to work.
I have no idea what to make of this. i just know I find myself wondering more and more if I can live the rest of my life like this....it is really on my mind these days. more than H would ever know. I honestly am beginning to question how much longer I wait for him to at least make an effort to meet my needs.
His comment about "that's why she didnt want me" really blew my mind. I think that says alot and explains alot about why he is still so stuck, and what really happened.
and you know what? I am wondering again if I want to be the default. the runner-up. pretty sure I don't.
What H is clueless about is, I'm not like monster with her yoyo back and forth on and off games. If I decide I'm done, I'm done. Guess that 's why I keep hanging on, so I'll be able to be done, really done, when/if I am.
What a crappy day. got to work all tearful, walk into my office and the boss is on my phone wanting me to come immediately to meet with her and a marketing rep who had screwed stuff up. I'm sure it was obvious I'd been crying, as I had no time to get my game face on. I'll probably be in the doghouse for that, although I was perfectly functional.
I have no clue what to think or do, could really use any insights anyone has.
Today is our 27th anniversary and it's already turned into a really sucky day. I only have a minute to post, but felt like I needed to. I didnt get home from work last night till 10, had wanted to take vacation today but couldnt because of departmental obligations beyond my control. So that 's kind of a downer. H told me last night he hoped I hadnt made any reservations today because he didnt want to do anything, now gee, where have I heard that. In the night last night, H woke up screaming, literally screaming as though he was being stabbed, I have never heard him like this before, from leg cramps evidently. 3 times he screamed like this, it was very frightning and usettling. I think he did have a terrible cramp though because I took hold of his calf (he asked me to) and I could feel what felt like a rope in it. really weird.
So this morning, things really went downhill. H was pissing and moaning about work as usual. no happy anniverary, no ILY, nothing. i just finally stopped talking about work and started getting ready to go... he must have noticed I got quiet because he came in the room as I was dressing, and kind of whispered ILY...I was bent over, facing away from him...and "you do?" popped out of my mouth. which got him really upset...he got irritated, and replied "why do you say that? it really hurts my feelings"...I told him I don't know what to think sometimes, that it hurts my feelings as well because it seems like he doesnt want to do anything with me or be with me....and that feels hurtful to me. Of course then I got all damn teary eyed, I hate that. t
I told him it's especially hurtful because way back when he'd told me how much better he felt whennn he was out doing stuff with monster, how he'd realized he needed to get out and do stuff, and how we were going to. and then he always has reasons not to.
He launched into his usual pissing and moaning about how he's just not ready, how sad and down it makes him, how bad it was when we went out of town in February, and how he's supposed to 'fake it" ....and of course he pissed and moaned about money. damned cheap ass, he thinks nothing of spending 100 bucks on a professional book, but oh god, spend 50 to take your wife out?
I told him I've tried to wait, tried to be patient and understanding, but it's really getting to me and getting me down. He said that makes him feel guilty, that all of this does. well, damn, imagine that.
At some point H said "maybe I need to call dr. and get back on AD's again"...I probably should have been more encouraging and supportive but I held back, just said, again kinda teary eyed, "I dont' know what else I can do to help you"....
Then he started back pedaling, saying "well we can go out to eat tonight, we could do that"....I said no, that's ok, I don't want you to feel pressured or have to fake it, so don't worry about it"....I'm sure that sounded like being a martyr, but I mean it. I am not happy about it, but I mean it.
Somewhere in there he said something about that he just cant get out to do stuff, and added: "that's why she didn't want me, maybe you don't either"...I really dont' know what to make of that comment...I didnt say much, seems like he said something again about feeling guilty and pressured, i said I was becoming resigned to the fact that it would always be something, some reason or excuse why he wouldnt do anything, and that I may as well face it. I put my towel in the hamper, left the room, went down the stairs, out the door and came to work.
I have no idea what to make of this. i just know I find myself wondering more and more if I can live the rest of my life like this....it is really on my mind these days. more than H would ever know. I honestly am beginning to question how much longer I wait for him to at least make an effort to meet my needs.
His comment about "that's why she didnt want me" really blew my mind. I think that says alot and explains alot about why he is still so stuck, and what really happened.
and you know what? I am wondering again if I want to be the default. the runner-up. pretty sure I don't.
What H is clueless about is, I'm not like monster with her yoyo back and forth on and off games. If I decide I'm done, I'm done. Guess that 's why I keep hanging on, so I'll be able to be done, really done, when/if I am.
What a crappy day. got to work all tearful, walk into my office and the boss is on my phone wanting me to come immediately to meet with her and a marketing rep who had screwed stuff up. I'm sure it was obvious I'd been crying, as I had no time to get my game face on. I'll probably be in the doghouse for that, although I was perfectly functional.
I have no clue what to think or do, could really use any insights anyone has.
I know better than to have expectations, was reminding myself of that last night when I stopped to buy a card for H, but it still hurts. Thank God they arent very high these days. Just not sure how much long I can keep stuffing all this down. and I really don't know what to think of his comment "That's why SHE didnt want me and maybe you don't either"
I'm going to give this some thought and get back to you. Tomorrow is my anniversary(17), some things look promising, tonight we are going out. In general things are better. Like yourself I too am questioning if I am going to make it through the long haul. I'll think about this and get back to you.
Hi Phoenix, thanks. Hope your night out goes well, this is tough stuff, huh. I will be anxious to hear your thoughts, but probably not back on the boards till monday. I've not done well in keeping up with folks here, I will try to get by and check out your sitch, it's been awhile. I don't give much advice these days because i'm not sure I have any, but I do "lurk" to keep up with folks here.
You're sounding like me, beginning again to think too much about H and causes of his moods....I need to stop it, and so do YOU! Refocus on you, your GAL, your PMA. And I'll try and take my own advice.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks, WCW, I know you're right. if I can just keep on. honestly at the moment I'm feeling pretty distant and close to just throwing in the towel. I am so drained and tired of living with his down in the dumps but what do anything about it butt.
Okay, Deb, here goes - First of all - TAKE CONTROL of this sitch. I know, it would have meant more to you if he had planned something and been loving on your anniversary, but being a martyr is darned unattractive too. Send your H an email, INFORM him that he is taking you out for a nice dinner tonight, and that you expect him to treat you to a pleasant evening.
Then go, stay out of R talks (except if you want to remember nice old times) - maybe even better if you can go to a comedy club or mystery theater dinner?
Now - about him saying he would go back on antidepressants - tell him that's a good idea!!!!
And - about the leg cramps - lots of things can cause those. But I want you to know, I had the wickedest ones when I was hypothyroid. Since depression can also be a symtpom of hypothyroidism, he REALLY should get his thyroid checked.
Now - suck it up, stand tall - you have been WAY too accomodating, I know, I've done it too. Tell him you expect to go out tonight, tell him what time you'll be ready, tell him you DESERVE to be respected and valued on your anniversary. I don't care if you have to drag him kicking and screaming - trust me, he will have a lot more respect for you if you INSIST on him treating you well. He won't respect you if you allow him to treat you badly.
