Hi Deb, I'm no one to give advice now....you can find my new post "A New Phase" and any advice is welcomed. BUT, I'm in a somewhat similar situation, in that I know things are still going on, H hasn't come out and said "it's over" but I DID decide to move out. With a fixed end, 2 weeks, when H goes on a trip for 2 weeks, so we're apart for 1 month. The space has already been wonderful for me. I feel so removed...no worries about who is he calling, who is he with, etc. Also, I feel that it's a decision for BOTH of us now, to see if this can work and we can be together. Seems that your H still has lots of unresolved feelings about the whole issue, not necessarily HER...just how he got there and what it says about HIM, etc (self-esteem, pride, failure, all that MLC stuff).
You have kids, so it's harder to up and leave, or have him do the same. Also, I will say that the sane moments are nice to build a stronger foundation.
If you really need the space, and this is becoming toxic for you, I suggest you maybe get away for just a few days. Finite time, space for both of you, and maybe a wake-up call. Time to get away and think clearly. Often, we don't have "thinking" time, just "reaction" time when together.
Also, are you and H at a point that you can sit together and have a calm, respectful conversation about what you need in a H, and him in a W? You could mention the depression, his lying, your trust, his always talking of monster. Just the authentic communication that was written on Slowly's post a while back. Seems that you are at that point if he's willing to work on the M.
Remember, you are in this limbo phase of "act as if" and no R talks, etc. that you employed during hte limbo stage. Now, you're both back in the M. Time to start having some candid conversations, being open about how you feel and coming up with respectful solutions and working together. Maybe effort here would take his mind off of thigns?
I could be off base, so excuse of I am. I just think you need to speak up a little more. You are a strong woman...keep it up.
