I can't believe I havent posted for 10 days, I've been so busy, but maybe that's good, it means i'm not sitting here in a stupor doing nothing but drown in agony over all this. dfb, I havent responded to your post, but I really like your idea of finding some stuff to order together! I think I will pursue that in the very near future.
Anyway, things have been mostly good, although weekend before last was hard, I had a really down spell after some pretty good days. so, backing up to recap: that Friday, (almost 2 weeks ago) there was a training here at work that h attended and I had to help with the logistics of. H actually made a point of coming over and talking to me some, and was pleasant. both of us managed to run into monster that day though, which probably had some bearing on my tanking mood later....BUT, that Friday at lunch time I had planned to run out to take care of car tags and taxes....made plans because I didnt want to be "clingy" and disappointed if H left with someone else. Well, H sought me out in the hall, and asked if I was going to lunch. I told him what I'd planned, and I swear, his face fell, I am sure it wasnt my imagination that he looked disappointed. I made a quick turn-around though, and said "however, was that an invitation?" and he said "well, yes, I guess so". Told him "I never refuse an invitation like that one", and we went to lunch, met a coworker who's a good friend to H on the way out, who accompanied us, and we had a nice lunch. THAT was the good part of the weekend.
What really got me down-hearted was H making the comment, that my belly didn't exactly inspire romantic notions. the next day he made that comment, dont' remember what was going on, but it really hit me hard. He's right, it's bad, but it still hurt. As I recall, I just walked away so he couldnt see me getting tearful, but I swear I was blue for the next 2 days, and really anxious with monster thoughts.
Since then I've worked really hard to avoid mentioning her, to steer his conversations away from her. with pretty good results. We really havent talked much about her at all since that weekend. however, last night we were talking about dating sites on the web, and somehow the discussion turned to her plagerized love notes/letters, porno blogs, and her personal ad and how she has sex with everyone who contacts her on her site. i commented to H "don't you think she just told you that to make you jealous" and he said "no I really think she meant it and does"; I asked why anyone would do that, and he said to keep the guys interested and for the excitement. then he commented that he'd told her "way to make a person feel special, you're just a common wh--e, girl" to her....dont' know when he told her this, but the interesting thing when he was telling me was that he was so matter-of-fact, not all emotional and upset like he used to be, maybe just a twinge of disappointment passed through his face, but not the terrible grief that used to make me nuts. He commented that she has such an incredible facade, that she really is not at all what she seems, and that she's more of an antisocial than a borderline personality disorder.
This morning before work, he made some reference again to "sweet talking" millions of guys. I put my arms around him, kissed him good by, told him he was the love of my life and that he's the only one I tell that to...and he said "I know that and it means a lot, that's part of why I love you"...
I hope that all this is a sign that finally he is "disconnecting" from her emotionally.
He did tell me in an unsolicited email this week,that he had an email from monster, and added "but it was appropriate, informing him of a client who had developed a new physical health issue.
I think I did "score big" though. I've tried to come up with something pleasant and different I could do for him, finally thought of decorating "the cave" for him, which is what he calls the office he is stuck in here one day a week. It truly was awful, totally stark bare, glaring lights, depressing, no window, and he spends a 12 hour day in there. So, for 2 months i've been collecting "stuff" and planning what I would do. last saturday, D and I "did it"...rearranged the furniture, installed floor lamps and a desk lamp with full-spectrum bulbs, nice silk floor plants and table arrangements, some dried naturals, and shelf clocks, and several prints/posters of mountain scenes he loves (large ones). One of them was really perfect, the colors pick up the wood tones of the furniture, and the blue picks up the upholstry, and it is really striking. I was just going to let him go in and be shocked monday, but D couldnt stand it, and talked him into taking her to see his office on Sunday because she wanted to see his reaction. h was tired and grumpy and didnt want to go, but his "little girl" can still get him to do things. he asked me "why? you didnt hang a picture or something did you?" and I was afraid he would be angry. But, he was shocked, amazed at the transformation, and we all actually sat and talked in the "cave" for an hour! and, he says co-workers are blown away, that now he keeps getting interruped because everyone keeps coming to admire and hanging out. and I've had several comments. H must have thanked for it a dozen times, and said how much he appreciated it. So, I think it's safe to say that was a big hit. now if I can just get the house to that point.
In bed Sunday night, H was talking, he still has trouble sleeping some. he asked (and I know he's asked this before) how I knew he was the love of my life, what made it different with him...I told him, again, that it was a sensed of peacefulness, of a "good fit", and that I could never picture being with anyone else, that with other people I always could. Then I got kind of teary, and asked "why, is monster after you again?" and he said "no, I just sometimes get to thinking about all the crap she used to spew, and how different it was". I hugged him, said ILY, and he hugged back and said "I'm honored that you love me so much". doesnt sound very romantic, but I still took it as good, very very different from the days when he would slam the door and scream "I know you love me" if I said it (when he was leaving to visit monster, of course)
I still have times when I feel overwhelmed by the hurt, and the lies and deception. which makes me afraid all over again. BUT I am really working hard at keeping my focus on what I need to be doing in my/our life to get where we need to be. I even redirected his mentioning her a couple of nights ago by telling him I was working on keeping my focus off of her, that she really wasnt worth the waste of my brain waves. and he quietly agreed.
So, that means I'm really trying to focus on diet and exercise, I havent done as well with that the last 6 weeks, got off track with moving the kids and everything being so hectic. so back to that, and also on "merchandising" the house as Ellie's suggested (hey, if I can do that to the cave, I can do it to anything)...getting finances in better order, and getting some new naughty undies to surprise him with. plus "spicier" looks, I got a spray tan gun, gotta try it out, a fake tattoo might be a surprise as well.
With all this to work on, I really dont' have time to waste thinking about monster. Man, is she a mess though. and what really really galls me to this day is her arrogant attitude, her obvious sense of entitlement and lack of regret.
Gotta go pick up S13. I found a cool nutrition tracker on a website, will try to post about it tomorrow, I think it may be helpful
havent had time to post in ages, thought I'd just throw this in. I am still struggling, H is so damned depressed I am sick of it. I hate to sound cruel but he has to work 3 hours today, and he has pissed and moaned about it all week. I swear he left for work almost in tears this morning. last night I realized really clearly that he is part of the reason I'm having such weight issues. I'm serious, I know he doesnt put stuff in my mouth, but I really believe he's an emotional trigger for me, I've been tracking what i eat, and during the day I usually do ok, maybe 400 - 500 cals., but I get home and have his pissing and moaning and moping to listen to, and the next thing I know I'm stuffing my face and can't stop.
Last Saturday, I was gone for several hours, probably 4, doing grocery shopping, trying to get a tire repaired, getting S a haircut, and he actually yelled at me when I got home, literally yelled and hollered that I was gone too long. he refuses to leave the house, errands would go much quicker if he would help, but he wont. I wondered if he calls monster or has to fight not to or just gets lonely, I have no clue....I just know i'm about sick of it. I ignored his tirade, it did bring tears to my eyes, but I just left the room so he wouldnt see and didnt say a word.
I have been wondering the last couple of weeks why the hell I put so much effort into getting him to stay, I should have stuck a big bow on his butt and tied him to monsters porch and left him there.
I am really sick of this. I have done all I can for him, I honestly don't know of another thing I can do. Well, lose weight and get the house in better shape, but then again he won't do anything but piss and moan about that either.
Obviously, if it's mlc, I dont' think he's through it. maybe he's hit the depression after replay, except I think he was depressed before replay, before the affair. No, I don't think he was depressed, I know he was depressed. so that is confusing to me as far as the stages, etc. If it's (his depression) monster-related, they must be through, because he is really really a mess.
Maybe he's just a depressed unhappy mess and going to stay that way.
I will say that for the last 3 weeks or so, there has been hardly any talk of monster at all, I made a very conscious decision to stay away from that myself and to steer him away from it, as kind of a 180 to see what happens. Maybe what happens is he hits rock bottom, don't know what that means if it's what happens. Just about the only convo in that time happened before work yesterday...I was waxing my eyebrows, and grousing about how hairy they are, and he was shaving....he said "I know what you mean, I hate this stupid hair on my back and chest"....I told him I thought it was sexy, and that "girls" like it....he said "no, it's not, I hate it"...I was teasing and asked "well what girl ever didnt like it" (yeah, really dumb, just joking around and let myself stumble into that one)...and H said "well, monster liked it"...I didnt react, just said real calmly "I left myself wide open for that didnt I", and changed the subject.
I am going to pick up some 5-htp that Ellie mentioned, take it myself and see if he'll try it....I did actually find some research about it, so maybe that will help. I really am at my wits end, he is back to where every thing in his life sucks, from work to everything else. I've come to the conclusion that is a big part of the appeal of the A and what sucked him into it, a distraction from his depression. I sure keep wondering what the hell I'm doing.
>>I'm having such weight issues. I'm serious, I know he doesnt put stuff in my mouth, but I really believe he's an emotional trigger for me, I've been tracking what i eat, and during the day I usually do ok, maybe 400 - 500 cals., but I get home and have his pissing and moaning and moping to listen to, and the next thing I know I'm stuffing my face and can't stop. <<
Deb -
500 calorries isn't much to eat during the day, and that is a problem if that is what you have before you get home in the evening. By the time 5pm rolls around, I generally have had about 1400 calories, and I usually have another 300 or 400 after that. You might not stuff yourself if you eat more during the day!
I know it's not a popular opinion, but I think you should kick your H out, or leave yourself. In the end, I think it might be the only way to save the M, if it is even saveable at this point. I know that I have a hard time sometimes, with my H (who I did end up marrying after going through the whole DB thing) - he isn't always happy, and it certainly doesn't have anything to do with me. He wants more money, he wants a different job, whatever - he'll say that there aren't any rich people who made their money with W-2's (normal jobs) and that isn't true, like 85% do. Quite frankly, I think about what I'd do if he wanted me to go, and I am almost ready for that if it ever happens. I never want to get dragged into anyones drama again. I love him a lot, and I just want him to find something that he can find a passion in (volunteering, or a hobby, etc.). We may have a 40 year marriage, we may not - but I think you've gone 3 years through your H's hell, and I think you need to put your wants and your needs first.
Life is too short to wait someone out that long, I don't think you should get a D...but you might want to kick his butt out the door. (I'm cynical, huh?) But when I watch tv shows dealing with cheating spouses and such, it's those who took a firm stand who often ended up with the cheater coming back.
Hi dfb, i tell you what, I don't know what to think anymore I don't have much time to post anymore, which could be a good thing, because busy with other things means i'm not sitting around obsessing (most of the time anyway) but I still get into "spells" when I don't know what's going on or which ends up...find myself there now, and it's been coming on for a while. I also found myself very very serioulsy considering your advice about throwing h out this morning. and last night....again, I'm not sure if it's "just me"...really don't know. don't know what to do or what to think. little things bug the heck out of me, could be I'm overly sensitive. could be.....as the "niggles" in the back of my brain want to say....they are back in contact. drive me frickin nuts.
Deb - if he was trying to be good, and working at it, I'd not say throw him out.
If he was vascillating between the two of you, as he has been 2 years and you feel like you are treading water..I'd just do it. The one thing about DB is that they say you should try something new. The monster is no catch, and he may need to learn that. Of course, he may end up staying with her, but what is the real chance of that? He needs to be serious about working on your marriage, and he seems to feel he can have the both of you.
You've been so great to him, but I think I've gotten to the point where I'd not want to live in fear anymore. If H wanted someone else, that would be his issue, not mine - and I think being a strong person and not allowing that to go on while under "our" roof would be the best gift I could give myself.
I am glad you are busy, you should certainly be looking after yourself - eating well, exercise, etc. That is just about the most important thing you can do now.
Oh - I am not saying to D him. I think that if you don't need to, then don't. You never know what can happen. I can think of a couple of reasons that I'd get a D from H, having an affair is not one of them. But that doesn't mean I'd live with him while that is going on.
I dunno, when these doubts start in on me, I'm a basket case. and I am so tired of living like this. How do you rebuild a M when you are so filled with doubt? when you can't get him to do a damn thing? i really really don't know.
Anyway, to recap, last Friday I posted about how weepy/moany/pissy he was, crying about going to work. well as it turns out, I almost think we have bug, because I've been the same way for the last couple of days, plus a headache and upset stomach and really tired that goes with it, but very emotional. S13's complaining of same thing, so I really think some kind of "bug" must be complicating things for all of us. but..... Friday when we both got home early afternoon, H seemed somewhat better, more cheerful...still not "up to par", but better. We had lunch, took a nap, and ML.... Saturday AM....S got up early, as usual. asked me if I was going shopping. ????????? ding ding ding ding....warning bells, especially since he yelled at me the week before for being gone too long. I asked "Why, do you want me to go shopping?" and he said "I'm just trying to figure out what the plans for the day are".....bells going off again. so, H said he was going for a walk, i took S13 and we went to do a couple of errands. were gone about 2 hours, got home and H was still not home. this is kind of unusual since he has hardly ever walked over 1.5 hours since he got rid of monster. i got upset. really upset. decided to run back and get fast food (bad, I know) because I couldnt face fixing lunch. left a note, and left again for about 20 minutes. Of course my being upset upset S13, who started crying. When we got home, S went in the house first. H was there. As I came in the door I opened it into him (literally) and a little mousy "oh" squeaked out of my mouth. H said he was going to get gas for the lawnmower, and I started to bawl. he asked what was wrong, and I said I thought he had "gone back"...he said he hadnt, it was such a beautiful day he had just walked a lot more (??????) and that he was sorry. that he wasnt going back. Commented "when will it ever end", and said he felt like he has a ball and chain around his ankle. asked if S was crying because I was, I told him probably so. H said he hated that, because S "will think that's still going on"and that he can't live like this....somehow things calmed down, blew over pretty quickly, I suppose because H hugged me a lot...and then he asked S if he wanted to learn to mow the lawn, and actually took him and taught him, and they worked on it together for several hours. I've suggested several times over the past few years that H should do this, but he never would.
At church Sat. eve., monsters sister came stomping in, waved her arms at her mother, then left then came back in. H snickered, but then told me that his supervisor at work had told him that the sisters husband had injured his back and was bedridden, so maybe that's what she was stomping about. ding ding ding ding ding (warning bells)again. H's supervisor had worked at the same place as this guy, but he has no reason to know him or about him and certainly no reason to mention it to H, which means it had to come from monster, which means they've been in contact.
Sunday, I started to fix lunch, and h said he would grill steaks if I wanted him to, and did, and seemed to enjoy it. I remember during the monster hey-day summer, we didnt use the grill one single time, in fact I don't think we used it for 2 years.
yesterday evening i was in our bedroom putting away clothes, when H's cell phone went off. he dropped and broke his old one which was on my plan, and I hadnt gotten it replaced, just validated that yes, "we" needed to do that when he'd mention it, knowing that he would never get around to it, and I couldnt take the trauma anymore of knowing he was on the phone with her so much. Anyway, the kids bought him one of those prepaid ones with a 60 minute card. it was on the dresser and started going off with its ringer and lighting up. it's been acting weird, says "insert card" when it does that, but when I looked i saw it said he had used 20 minutes of his airtime in the 2 weeks he's had it. It really upset me, I debated about saying anything, and decided that after all this time I'm sick of playing games, so I asked him if they were back in contact...he said "I'm not seeing her" ; I didnt take that for an answer, I asked if he was calling her/talking to her, and he said "no" (not at all sure if I believe that) and asked why I thought he was....i told him, he said he had used the phone to call the secretary in the out of town office to let her know he had gotten held up by a train. 20 minutes for that?????? then he said "is this what you do, check up on me all the time?" which is alarmingly like what he used to do, turn it around on me. Told him I don't....but when the phone is going off like something from outer space, it's hard not to look at it and then you cant help but notice. H actually did set down at the table across from me and talk during all this, though instead of stalking out of the room and screaming. I was really feeling sick to my stomach and miserable with a headache on top of it, and h commented that was how he'd felt, and that it made him really emotional and upset as well, and he thought that was part of what was going on with us.
I dunno, I really don't. I've had some emails from him today, they say ILY but arent "mushy" , maybe that's an irrational thing to like, but I keep thinking maybe we do need to be apart, and wondering if we can/will make it after all. i don't trust him one iota. I don't know if I ever will again. and i don't have what it takes to go through this again if it starts back up. I found myself thinking this morning that it would be better to be alone. Also thinking that I must have some kind of deep seated abandonment issues..... but I know that when I've started to consider before that being alone might be better, that's the road I eventually went down. (with a guy I dated for a long time/was engaged to before I met H)
As I said I really really dont' know what to think. guess I'm kind of in my own la-la land right now, as indicated in the "book" I just posted.
obviously, I was pretty darned whiney and clingy this weekend, dont' know if it's from feeling so cruddy physically or this stuff nagging at me, both I suppose.
Oh yeah, at one time over the weekend, H gave a quick little ILY....instead responding in kind, I said "really?" and he did get kinda irritated, and replied, "why do you say that?" I hate it when you do, it makes me feel guilty and wonder if I'm not doing enough to show you." As I recall, i gave him a quick hug but didnt say a word. I was THINKING "DDDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH".
Hi Deb, I'm no one to give advice now....you can find my new post "A New Phase" and any advice is welcomed. BUT, I'm in a somewhat similar situation, in that I know things are still going on, H hasn't come out and said "it's over" but I DID decide to move out. With a fixed end, 2 weeks, when H goes on a trip for 2 weeks, so we're apart for 1 month. The space has already been wonderful for me. I feel so removed...no worries about who is he calling, who is he with, etc. Also, I feel that it's a decision for BOTH of us now, to see if this can work and we can be together. Seems that your H still has lots of unresolved feelings about the whole issue, not necessarily HER...just how he got there and what it says about HIM, etc (self-esteem, pride, failure, all that MLC stuff).
You have kids, so it's harder to up and leave, or have him do the same. Also, I will say that the sane moments are nice to build a stronger foundation.
If you really need the space, and this is becoming toxic for you, I suggest you maybe get away for just a few days. Finite time, space for both of you, and maybe a wake-up call. Time to get away and think clearly. Often, we don't have "thinking" time, just "reaction" time when together.
Also, are you and H at a point that you can sit together and have a calm, respectful conversation about what you need in a H, and him in a W? You could mention the depression, his lying, your trust, his always talking of monster. Just the authentic communication that was written on Slowly's post a while back. Seems that you are at that point if he's willing to work on the M.
Remember, you are in this limbo phase of "act as if" and no R talks, etc. that you employed during hte limbo stage. Now, you're both back in the M. Time to start having some candid conversations, being open about how you feel and coming up with respectful solutions and working together. Maybe effort here would take his mind off of thigns?
I could be off base, so excuse of I am. I just think you need to speak up a little more. You are a strong woman...keep it up.
Deb - honestly, you have been cheated on for so long, I'm surprised you aren't more clingy! He is usually the clingy one, wanting to know where you have been.
I agree that time away would be a good thing. You need a good break from everything going on, and perhaps a long one. I'd be surprised if he isn't lying to you again, it certainly sounds like it. He is still too involved with Monsters life, and I think the only real way to save your marriage is to leave the company and perhaps move out of the area. It may be expensive, but it may be the only way to get her out of your lives on a day-to-day basis.
If he sees her every day, I don't see an end to what you are going through, ever.
Think about what YOU want out of your life now. He's been thinking solely about himself for nearly 3 years, it's your turn. I also agree with the previous poster about sitting down with him, discuss all of your options (if he can sit down and talk reasonably). Have an exit strategy in case it doesn't work out. Myself, I've learned that relationships don't always last, and as hard as I want to stay in this one, I also know that there are lots of wonderful options for me if H decides he wants out (or if he does something that I can't stay with him for, like hitting me, etc.). I'd love to have a 50 year marriage, that would be my #1 option. But if my marriage ever ended? I have so many things I now think I'd love to do, I am not scared like I used to be. I don't need a man anymore to have a great life.
Anyway - I wish the very best for you, no matter what happens. Not all marriages are saved, a lot are not. If yours can be, that is great and I hope it can. But he's so stuck on Monster, and having her in his face every day is not helping that at all. Move across the country, get out of dodge, just GO. And fast food is okay, occasionally - just don't eat the Big Mac, go for a kids meal. I almost never eat fast food anymore, but every so often.
But when I watch tv shows dealing with cheating spouses and such, it's those who took a firm stand who often ended up with the cheater coming back.