I dunno, when these doubts start in on me, I'm a basket case. and I am so tired of living like this. How do you rebuild a M when you are so filled with doubt? when you can't get him to do a damn thing? i really really don't know.
Anyway, to recap, last Friday I posted about how weepy/moany/pissy he was, crying about going to work. well as it turns out, I almost think we have bug, because I've been the same way for the last couple of days, plus a headache and upset stomach and really tired that goes with it, but very emotional. S13's complaining of same thing, so I really think some kind of "bug" must be complicating things for all of us. but..... Friday when we both got home early afternoon, H seemed somewhat better, more cheerful...still not "up to par", but better. We had lunch, took a nap, and ML.... Saturday AM....S got up early, as usual. asked me if I was going shopping. ????????? ding ding ding ding....warning bells, especially since he yelled at me the week before for being gone too long. I asked "Why, do you want me to go shopping?" and he said "I'm just trying to figure out what the plans for the day are".....bells going off again. so, H said he was going for a walk, i took S13 and we went to do a couple of errands. were gone about 2 hours, got home and H was still not home. this is kind of unusual since he has hardly ever walked over 1.5 hours since he got rid of monster. i got upset. really upset. decided to run back and get fast food (bad, I know) because I couldnt face fixing lunch. left a note, and left again for about 20 minutes. Of course my being upset upset S13, who started crying. When we got home, S went in the house first. H was there. As I came in the door I opened it into him (literally) and a little mousy "oh" squeaked out of my mouth. H said he was going to get gas for the lawnmower, and I started to bawl. he asked what was wrong, and I said I thought he had "gone back"...he said he hadnt, it was such a beautiful day he had just walked a lot more (??????) and that he was sorry. that he wasnt going back. Commented "when will it ever end", and said he felt like he has a ball and chain around his ankle. asked if S was crying because I was, I told him probably so. H said he hated that, because S "will think that's still going on"and that he can't live like this....somehow things calmed down, blew over pretty quickly, I suppose because H hugged me a lot...and then he asked S if he wanted to learn to mow the lawn, and actually took him and taught him, and they worked on it together for several hours. I've suggested several times over the past few years that H should do this, but he never would.
At church Sat. eve., monsters sister came stomping in, waved her arms at her mother, then left then came back in. H snickered, but then told me that his supervisor at work had told him that the sisters husband had injured his back and was bedridden, so maybe that's what she was stomping about. ding ding ding ding ding (warning bells)again. H's supervisor had worked at the same place as this guy, but he has no reason to know him or about him and certainly no reason to mention it to H, which means it had to come from monster, which means they've been in contact.
Sunday, I started to fix lunch, and h said he would grill steaks if I wanted him to, and did, and seemed to enjoy it. I remember during the monster hey-day summer, we didnt use the grill one single time, in fact I don't think we used it for 2 years.
yesterday evening i was in our bedroom putting away clothes, when H's cell phone went off. he dropped and broke his old one which was on my plan, and I hadnt gotten it replaced, just validated that yes, "we" needed to do that when he'd mention it, knowing that he would never get around to it, and I couldnt take the trauma anymore of knowing he was on the phone with her so much. Anyway, the kids bought him one of those prepaid ones with a 60 minute card. it was on the dresser and started going off with its ringer and lighting up. it's been acting weird, says "insert card" when it does that, but when I looked i saw it said he had used 20 minutes of his airtime in the 2 weeks he's had it. It really upset me, I debated about saying anything, and decided that after all this time I'm sick of playing games, so I asked him if they were back in contact...he said "I'm not seeing her" ; I didnt take that for an answer, I asked if he was calling her/talking to her, and he said "no" (not at all sure if I believe that) and asked why I thought he was....i told him, he said he had used the phone to call the secretary in the out of town office to let her know he had gotten held up by a train. 20 minutes for that?????? then he said "is this what you do, check up on me all the time?" which is alarmingly like what he used to do, turn it around on me. Told him I don't....but when the phone is going off like something from outer space, it's hard not to look at it and then you cant help but notice. H actually did set down at the table across from me and talk during all this, though instead of stalking out of the room and screaming. I was really feeling sick to my stomach and miserable with a headache on top of it, and h commented that was how he'd felt, and that it made him really emotional and upset as well, and he thought that was part of what was going on with us.
I dunno, I really don't. I've had some emails from him today, they say ILY but arent "mushy" , maybe that's an irrational thing to like, but I keep thinking maybe we do need to be apart, and wondering if we can/will make it after all. i don't trust him one iota. I don't know if I ever will again. and i don't have what it takes to go through this again if it starts back up. I found myself thinking this morning that it would be better to be alone. Also thinking that I must have some kind of deep seated abandonment issues..... but I know that when I've started to consider before that being alone might be better, that's the road I eventually went down. (with a guy I dated for a long time/was engaged to before I met H)
