havent had time to post in ages, thought I'd just throw this in. I am still struggling, H is so damned depressed I am sick of it. I hate to sound cruel but he has to work 3 hours today, and he has pissed and moaned about it all week. I swear he left for work almost in tears this morning. last night I realized really clearly that he is part of the reason I'm having such weight issues. I'm serious, I know he doesnt put stuff in my mouth, but I really believe he's an emotional trigger for me, I've been tracking what i eat, and during the day I usually do ok, maybe 400 - 500 cals., but I get home and have his pissing and moaning and moping to listen to, and the next thing I know I'm stuffing my face and can't stop.
Last Saturday, I was gone for several hours, probably 4, doing grocery shopping, trying to get a tire repaired, getting S a haircut, and he actually yelled at me when I got home, literally yelled and hollered that I was gone too long. he refuses to leave the house, errands would go much quicker if he would help, but he wont. I wondered if he calls monster or has to fight not to or just gets lonely, I have no clue....I just know i'm about sick of it. I ignored his tirade, it did bring tears to my eyes, but I just left the room so he wouldnt see and didnt say a word.
I have been wondering the last couple of weeks why the hell I put so much effort into getting him to stay, I should have stuck a big bow on his butt and tied him to monsters porch and left him there.
I am really sick of this. I have done all I can for him, I honestly don't know of another thing I can do. Well, lose weight and get the house in better shape, but then again he won't do anything but piss and moan about that either.
Obviously, if it's mlc, I dont' think he's through it. maybe he's hit the depression after replay, except I think he was depressed before replay, before the affair. No, I don't think he was depressed, I know he was depressed. so that is confusing to me as far as the stages, etc. If it's (his depression) monster-related, they must be through, because he is really really a mess.
Maybe he's just a depressed unhappy mess and going to stay that way.
I will say that for the last 3 weeks or so, there has been hardly any talk of monster at all, I made a very conscious decision to stay away from that myself and to steer him away from it, as kind of a 180 to see what happens. Maybe what happens is he hits rock bottom, don't know what that means if it's what happens. Just about the only convo in that time happened before work yesterday...I was waxing my eyebrows, and grousing about how hairy they are, and he was shaving....he said "I know what you mean, I hate this stupid hair on my back and chest"....I told him I thought it was sexy, and that "girls" like it....he said "no, it's not, I hate it"...I was teasing and asked "well what girl ever didnt like it" (yeah, really dumb, just joking around and let myself stumble into that one)...and H said "well, monster liked it"...I didnt react, just said real calmly "I left myself wide open for that didnt I", and changed the subject.
I am going to pick up some 5-htp that Ellie mentioned, take it myself and see if he'll try it....I did actually find some research about it, so maybe that will help. I really am at my wits end, he is back to where every thing in his life sucks, from work to everything else. I've come to the conclusion that is a big part of the appeal of the A and what sucked him into it, a distraction from his depression. I sure keep wondering what the hell I'm doing.
