I can't believe I havent posted for 10 days, I've been so busy, but maybe that's good, it means i'm not sitting here in a stupor doing nothing but drown in agony over all this. dfb, I havent responded to your post, but I really like your idea of finding some stuff to order together! I think I will pursue that in the very near future.
Anyway, things have been mostly good, although weekend before last was hard, I had a really down spell after some pretty good days. so, backing up to recap: that Friday, (almost 2 weeks ago) there was a training here at work that h attended and I had to help with the logistics of. H actually made a point of coming over and talking to me some, and was pleasant. both of us managed to run into monster that day though, which probably had some bearing on my tanking mood later....BUT, that Friday at lunch time I had planned to run out to take care of car tags and taxes....made plans because I didnt want to be "clingy" and disappointed if H left with someone else. Well, H sought me out in the hall, and asked if I was going to lunch. I told him what I'd planned, and I swear, his face fell, I am sure it wasnt my imagination that he looked disappointed. I made a quick turn-around though, and said "however, was that an invitation?" and he said "well, yes, I guess so". Told him "I never refuse an invitation like that one", and we went to lunch, met a coworker who's a good friend to H on the way out, who accompanied us, and we had a nice lunch. THAT was the good part of the weekend.
What really got me down-hearted was H making the comment, that my belly didn't exactly inspire romantic notions. the next day he made that comment, dont' remember what was going on, but it really hit me hard. He's right, it's bad, but it still hurt. As I recall, I just walked away so he couldnt see me getting tearful, but I swear I was blue for the next 2 days, and really anxious with monster thoughts.
Since then I've worked really hard to avoid mentioning her, to steer his conversations away from her. with pretty good results. We really havent talked much about her at all since that weekend. however, last night we were talking about dating sites on the web, and somehow the discussion turned to her plagerized love notes/letters, porno blogs, and her personal ad and how she has sex with everyone who contacts her on her site. i commented to H "don't you think she just told you that to make you jealous" and he said "no I really think she meant it and does"; I asked why anyone would do that, and he said to keep the guys interested and for the excitement. then he commented that he'd told her "way to make a person feel special, you're just a common wh--e, girl" to her....dont' know when he told her this, but the interesting thing when he was telling me was that he was so matter-of-fact, not all emotional and upset like he used to be, maybe just a twinge of disappointment passed through his face, but not the terrible grief that used to make me nuts. He commented that she has such an incredible facade, that she really is not at all what she seems, and that she's more of an antisocial than a borderline personality disorder.
This morning before work, he made some reference again to "sweet talking" millions of guys. I put my arms around him, kissed him good by, told him he was the love of my life and that he's the only one I tell that to...and he said "I know that and it means a lot, that's part of why I love you"...
I hope that all this is a sign that finally he is "disconnecting" from her emotionally.
He did tell me in an unsolicited email this week,that he had an email from monster, and added "but it was appropriate, informing him of a client who had developed a new physical health issue.
I think I did "score big" though. I've tried to come up with something pleasant and different I could do for him, finally thought of decorating "the cave" for him, which is what he calls the office he is stuck in here one day a week. It truly was awful, totally stark bare, glaring lights, depressing, no window, and he spends a 12 hour day in there. So, for 2 months i've been collecting "stuff" and planning what I would do. last saturday, D and I "did it"...rearranged the furniture, installed floor lamps and a desk lamp with full-spectrum bulbs, nice silk floor plants and table arrangements, some dried naturals, and shelf clocks, and several prints/posters of mountain scenes he loves (large ones). One of them was really perfect, the colors pick up the wood tones of the furniture, and the blue picks up the upholstry, and it is really striking. I was just going to let him go in and be shocked monday, but D couldnt stand it, and talked him into taking her to see his office on Sunday because she wanted to see his reaction. h was tired and grumpy and didnt want to go, but his "little girl" can still get him to do things. he asked me "why? you didnt hang a picture or something did you?" and I was afraid he would be angry. But, he was shocked, amazed at the transformation, and we all actually sat and talked in the "cave" for an hour! and, he says co-workers are blown away, that now he keeps getting interruped because everyone keeps coming to admire and hanging out. and I've had several comments. H must have thanked for it a dozen times, and said how much he appreciated it. So, I think it's safe to say that was a big hit. now if I can just get the house to that point.
In bed Sunday night, H was talking, he still has trouble sleeping some. he asked (and I know he's asked this before) how I knew he was the love of my life, what made it different with him...I told him, again, that it was a sensed of peacefulness, of a "good fit", and that I could never picture being with anyone else, that with other people I always could. Then I got kind of teary, and asked "why, is monster after you again?" and he said "no, I just sometimes get to thinking about all the crap she used to spew, and how different it was". I hugged him, said ILY, and he hugged back and said "I'm honored that you love me so much". doesnt sound very romantic, but I still took it as good, very very different from the days when he would slam the door and scream "I know you love me" if I said it (when he was leaving to visit monster, of course)
I still have times when I feel overwhelmed by the hurt, and the lies and deception. which makes me afraid all over again. BUT I am really working hard at keeping my focus on what I need to be doing in my/our life to get where we need to be. I even redirected his mentioning her a couple of nights ago by telling him I was working on keeping my focus off of her, that she really wasnt worth the waste of my brain waves. and he quietly agreed.
So, that means I'm really trying to focus on diet and exercise, I havent done as well with that the last 6 weeks, got off track with moving the kids and everything being so hectic. so back to that, and also on "merchandising" the house as Ellie's suggested (hey, if I can do that to the cave, I can do it to anything)...getting finances in better order, and getting some new naughty undies to surprise him with. plus "spicier" looks, I got a spray tan gun, gotta try it out, a fake tattoo might be a surprise as well.
With all this to work on, I really dont' have time to waste thinking about monster. Man, is she a mess though. and what really really galls me to this day is her arrogant attitude, her obvious sense of entitlement and lack of regret.
Gotta go pick up S13. I found a cool nutrition tracker on a website, will try to post about it tomorrow, I think it may be helpful
