Hi All, thought I'd post a quick update. TC, it is so good to hear from you, i've missed you! I am working on reducing 'monster talks' and am having some pretty good results...only a couple of pretty brief references in the last couple of days, something came up last night, dont' even remember what it was, and I commented that I wasnt sure how the convo got there, and H said it was me....it wasnt, and I gently pointed out, by saying something like "oh, I was thinking it was when you said blah blah........and he actually agreed.
Yesterday before work, H commented about naughty undies, I mean like fishnet stockings and garter belts and corsets...I said "I didnt know you liked those" and he commented, "well, I'm telling you i do"...and this evening he stopped by my office for a minute, and said something very breifly that I should check out the "adult" store this weekend.
I'm not sure what to think of all this, I don't know if he's finding me boring again....longing for monster....or just feeling comfortable enough to say what he likes now. So,I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, which is scary. At the least, it gives me something to work with. Odd thing is I have some stuff I've never worn because he didnt seem interested.
I was so upset earlier in the week, and I did get an email from him: Deb; Well I made it to the office. isn’t here. I had to tell J the swing joke and he’s still laughing. I sure love you and I hope you calm down and have a good day, enjoy the nice day outside. All the fretting is just giving you grey hair and then you have to use that God awful stinky crap to color it again and we all suffer in the end!! Well, first one’s here so I got to go! Later D
I didnt know how to take that, wrote back that I didnt realize that I was "uncalm" (ok, a white lie) but that I was sure frustrated and tired of it all. then I got a nice one back: "I love you too. I don’t mean to say you aren’t calm, I guess I just want to reassure you that everything is fine. Actually, we are I hope coming to a point in life where we can find some enjoyment and that all the years of struggle and sacrifice will prove worth it. Frankly looking around it’s quite remarkable that we did as well as we did given all we went through, one need not look far to find folks who crashed and burned at the first little problem. That is one of the reasons I admire and love you. You are wise and reasonable unlike so many hot heads and emotional reasoners, I feel therefore it is! Well, I’ve got every hour booked so I got to get going to the next one! Your D"
That one was calming and helpful.
Today we havent had much contact, work has been so busy and i've been out of the office. At one point, I'd mentioned to H that I'd found a website of cheesey love notes on the net, he told me to email them so he could check them out to see if the monster used the same ones (I'm pretty sure she has, have mentioned that to H, and then he asked her, of all things, if she did...and of course she denied it. Anyway, I havent/didnt because I didnt want to bring her to his mind anymore than what she probably already is.
H mentioned that he holds a visual image of an onion in his mind, and when he thinks of her he thinks of the onion, that she is like an onion, that you peel off layer after layer and invest a lot of effort and pain and tears, and even after all the tears, when you get to the middle there's nothing there, just the pain and burning and stinging. H commented that "the therapy techniques I teach people work, and that's what I'm doing, is what I teach (yeah, but do they always work so SLOWLY?)...I was naughty, told him I was going to buy him a fake onion, but I havent/won't, again I want her as much out of his mind as possible.
I mentioned this evening that I thought we should go someone to celebrate our 27th anniversary in May, he said "not XX", I'm not ready to go back there", meaning the town we went over valentines where he'd taken monster. I told him no, I had another idea. he said I should clue him in because he doesnt do well with surprises (ocd?) and I told him about it...a ranch that is a bed and breakfast very near hear, with a whirlpool suite (I'm gonna get him one of those yet!) and walking trails, etc, and he said "I might go for something like that"...
so my goals: try to get his mind of monster --redirect convo --do something different: new naughty undies, jokes, etc, not sure what all, i REALLY need ideas --better focus on MY self, I've been not doing as well with workouts and diets the past 2 - 3 weeks, with getting the kids moved, etc. Time to get back with that.
I did send him a "good morning, I'm thinking of you and IlY" email a bit ago that he will see 1st thing monday when he fires up his computer. I've sent him a couple of jokes this week, told him one....found some blogs that have jokes (think monster is on a porno one I found, should I be surprised?) so I have more material. wish I could find love notes that don't sound "stiff" "contrived"...I've just run out of steam for writing them it seems.
