You sound stronger, happy for that. You're a SAINT for helping him through this when it tears you up as well. BUT, you have to be aware of when it's getting toxic for you and back away. This is for him to fix, you did your part. It won't totally be healed for him unless he does it for himself, you know that. Be supportive, but let him be, with his space--best for both of you. Can you plan things to get out of the house more?

I understand the fear: after seeing our H's drift off to others, we have this fear that if we rock the boat, however ligitimate, or aren't there and happy all the time, then they will drift again. I struggle with this as well....be a doormat for just a bit or stand up for yourself and risk them walking away.

I think you can strike a balance. You can be there for him, even if it hurts, and ALSO take some time to detach for you by being away from him a little more (planned activities).

The way I justify my need for patience against some hurtful things now is that I was pretty horrible to H at times, he was patient, always bouncing back and showing love. I think I can do that now. I "snapped" out of it in our last break up...how long did he wait for that? I think I can do the same.

You're right...what did come first? I was horrible in my M, but I dug deep and found that it was mainly reactions to H's depression and anger with his job at the time...but how much of his anger and depression was how I was to him, and he felt safe expressing his emotions at work and not me for fear of hurting me. It's a nasty cycle....but in the end, we can both honestly say that we weren't our best. No one to blame...just time to cut that cycle and make it better now.

BUT, your H needs to realize that while the open dialogue is good, his need for you during his depression is getting you to feel the same...I can read it in your posts how stressful this is. Pull back a bit. If he asks, be honest and tell him that you want to be there for him, but it's hard for you too, and feel that you need a little space to keep things loving and supportive b/w the 2 of you. Kind of going on the "authentic communication" in Slowly's thread.

Hang in there, Deb. The book isn't done yet. You're strong beyond words...remember that.