As I mentioned in last post, H stopped by my office last night before leaving, showed me monsters internet personals ad. He didnt seem too bad then. when I got home 2.5 hours later he was a mess. pacing and tears running down his face and just beside himself. talking about how bad it was when we went out of town over night a month ago because of having been there with her, and we could never do that again. that hurt! I did tell him I was sorry to have hurt him with that, that my intent had been to plan something fun for us to do together, and he had suggested the location...he said he knew, he didn't realize how upsetting it would be. Said he still can't believe what a sucker and fool he was to fall for her lines, (I couldnt resist saying that what I'd read did seem very smooth and well rehearsed)I couldnt and still can't decide if he was upset over being played for such a fool, or if he's still torn up over losing her. H went to bed at 9, asked me to come up soon and hold him, so I did. he cried at night, asked me in the night to hold him...he was a mess.
This morning he seems somewhat better, he was talking more about the A, he seemed more matter-of-fact. He did say he couldnt go anywhere, he has to stay home where he "feels safe"....that really worries and concerns me. I did probe bit there, and he said "it will take time" and he's "not there yet"....it's like HOW DAMN LONG DOES THIS HAVE TO TAKE but I didnt say that. I did say that as long as she's having this effect, she's still in our marriage and lives to the detriment of our entire family.
H did say that he believes the reason "this" lasted so long is that they only spent little bits of time together...that it would have worn thin really fast if they had been together constantly. That she even says "other guys all run for the hills" (uh, duh, H, there's most likely a reason for this).... H said how slick she is in leading people on, that one time her live-in bf (that she left for H) even called her while they were at a workshop together (God, remember my days of "workshop agony"? I KNEW) and she was so slick when H was right there with her...."oh, are you upset about something? can you talk about it?" H seems to find it really....disgusting, disappointing, not sur what the word is.
Part of what is really hitting H now, and he even said this, is the realization, although I think it's for the hundreth time, that he wasnt really all that different from her other "conquests"....he fell hook line and sinker for the same sneaky cons that all the other guys did, and she manipulated him just as she did them. Maybe that's a big part of his problem though, because he has this need to see himself as "a cut above"...
Taken in that contest, I guess it maybe explains why he's having such a hard time with this. I mean, it's causing a complete reassessing/evaluation of who/what he is at his very core. I have to remember this. even though to me it's just a matter of getting rid of the manipulative tramp/wh--e once and for all, H has this deep need to believe that he was OH SO special and different to her. strange in a way. but scary, because doesnt this leave him susceptible? Also scary because there are some voids "bobo's" in his psyche that I can't love away no matter what I do. And scary because he said last night that he was so depressed when she "homed in" on him, that he feels himself getting that depressed again. That scares the crap out of me. He also said he wished he'd had more friends then, he wouldnt have been so susceptible, and that he does have them now. Maybe it's good that he has some insight at least. But it just dawned on me that there is a lot of this that truly is not about me/my failures/us. yes, things were distant and strained between us, but I still maintain that was a much from his depression related anger and withdrawal as my "failures"...as Always 14 mentioned, which came first????? I felt every bit as rejected as he did, I would ask for things (gestures, affection) and he would be so cold and angry, it hurt beyond words.
Always 14, I think you are the one who aske about H reading 5 love languages and after the affair...he's read them, some of his clients loaned him 5LL's because they were working on it, and he "swiped" my copy of after the affair and not just friends. I'm sure he's read them because bits and pieces come out in conversation.
Ellie, H is diligent about taking vitamins and fish oil and honestly works out 1 - 3 hours every darn day. I don't know what could be upped or tweaked in those areas, but I'd sure encourage it if you have any ideas. I'm trying to think what he takes, it's all Dr. recommended, I know he takes fish oil, multivitamin, B-complex, folic acid, baby aspirin. oh, and flax seed. That's all i can think of.
I did go to the financial counseling appt yesterday, havent mentioned it yet to H, but it did help me see some potential options. So just going is hopefully a start.
Another interesting note: neither H nor I have slept all week. Sunday nite I was haveing nightmares about monster...I dont' think H has had night mares but he's been restless and tossed and turned. It's like some negative force was building up in the cosmos. I know that sounds really weird, but it's true. Even H commented on it this morning and I swear it's like this has happened before when things are "coming to a head"...H did say this morning he thinks he'd do a lot better if he could get a good nights sleep.
H initiated ML before I left for work this AM...
I dont know how much of this is mlc, how much is other stuff....I just know it's way past tiring and frustrating. the thought just occured to me, I dont' know what he'd do if I decided to walk, I know that sounds narso, but really, I shore and prop him up so much emotionally.
