Had to return call to H about dryer..but waited a day to do it. Once I told him what it has not been doing..there was a pause, and then he asked if I was going to be around. I told him no, that I was getting ready for work...why? He said he thought he could come over and we could talk about this monthly payment thing. In other words he wants me to agree to something financially, leaving the lawyers and court out of it. I told him that I hadn't really thought anymore about it, that he hasn't mentioned what he has in mind, and I wasn't going to be home anyway. The call ended with him sounding 'not happy'. I did NOT tell him that I have a meeting with my L tomorrow morning to discuss just this topic. None of his business at this point anyway.
Now, this will make the 2nd time in less than a week that he's tried to get me to sit down and discuss this just between the two of us. He makes it sound as though the amt I'm getting right now is not 'fair' to him. The court awarded it to me..and his wages are garnished to pay the amount.
I wonder if Twinkie loves him enough to help support their lifestyle.
I just read last night , here on the boards, of another WAH trying to get his spouse to sit down and come up with something fair..or/and to use the same attorney. It really bothers me that so many WAS believe that this is the right way to go. You need an attorney working for YOU..not one that supposedly will be watching out for BOTH of you. Let alone, it really isn't ethical for the L to do that. And I'd bet that every WAS that wants to 'sit' down with the person they've decided they don't want to be married to anymore, doesn't want to have to pay them a penny more than necessary. It's all in the MLC script , isn't it?
I guess I look at it like this....H and I couldn't work out/talk out our problems before...so why now when it comes to the financial end of it, does H think we can all of a sudden 'communicate' better?? He didn't want to work things out then so all of this could be avoided. Do I trust him enough now to believe what he might offer? No..sadly not.
Please, LBSs, be careful of the WAS sweet talking you when it comes to the financials. Look at this as a business transaction...nothing else. Leave your heart and emotions out of it. I don't know how my situation will end up, and I know how hard it is not to feel 'safe' dealing with someone you gave your heart to, and felt safe with. But now is not the time to believe that your S will deal with you fairly and honestly. They will be watching out for themselves..and themselves only(and of course, the OP). Let the court/attorney deal with the business side of it so that you're as well protected as possible.
Off my soapbox now...
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Yes, I am protecting myself...and it's a hard thing to learn to do. You always have that bit of yourself that 'wants' to trust the WAS..you want to try to find that little iota of the 'old' spouse there. Unfortunately, when it comes to the financial end of things, it's usually very unwise to do that. I never would have thought that I would have to protect myself from H..but here I am..
Appt with L went good this morning. He said if H asks me to sit down with him again and talk about things, he should call my L and he would 'talk' with him. I told my L that there's no use of me trying to talk with H about this, because he's already given off the air/comment 'more fair'. L kinda of 'humpph-ed' at that comment.
One thing I do have a question about. Because of the length of the marriage and the HUGE discrepancy in incomes, L said permanent maintenace would be allowed. But he also said something about retirement age. Now, I don't know if I misunderstood him or what..but is there some clause in divorce awards that maintenance stops at the retirement of the party paying maintenance???? I've heard from other people that even after the maintenance paying spouse retires, they're still paying....but I believe I heard my attorney say something different than that. Or maybe he said the H might be willing to pay a larger monthly amount if there is a cut off date..like his retirement at 65 or whatever it is. I don't like the sound of that. I've tried looking through my states divorce laws, but haven't been able to come up with anything pertaining to this.
I don't like the idea of being cut off like that when I'm that age too. Good Lord..that's when seniors need it the most!! Considering I'm 50 now, that's only 15 years..and I'll never be able to reach his income producing level in that amount of time..let alone put together some retirement plan of my own. My SS benefits would never come close to his.
We talked about Hs lawyer a little. Mine said he's really got a problem with 'settling' with any other attorney. He's had some clients fire him because he drug divorces out too long, and too much money was being spent because of his silly arguments. My lawyer is going to shoot off some documents to Hs lawyer and see what happens. Hs lawyer has a way of not answering ...which I think the court should 'get' him for..some type of contempt obstruction of justice or something!!
Anyway , I came out of meeting feeling more at ease. I did NOT want to have to deal face to face with H about this. It's already something he should have figured out he'd have to deal with when he filed for divorce. I'm not asking more than for my share...50/50. I don't see how any court could argue with that . Not after a 30 year marriage..with one spouse that did not want a divorce in the first place, and the other spouse that has shown a lack of commitment/honesty/fidelty in the marriage. I don't want to have to shovel dirt..but H is wrong in thinking I'm protecting him anymore. He'll have to face consequences, just like any other person has to.
I can always say that there was goodness in him...there was. But what has become of him makes it impossible for me to defend him like I use to be able to. I'll have to be defending myself against him. Lord, I hate all of this.
I think of all the newcomers here, and how they must sit and read some of us old-timers threads, and they're probably ready to scream and crawl out of their skins. The terrible thoughts and fears that they must think/feel. I remember so well how I just couldn't believe this was happening, that my H could truly be doing this. I just hope they remember that they need to do for themselves, and let their WAS spin on their own. There is no other way of doing it safely. All you can do is pray for them. And maybe someday they will recover enough that some family relationships can start to be healed somewhat.
I'm not through this yet...I've got alot to go through yet. I was just getting use to being on my own after 2 years of separation...and now the real divorce is going to start. I think if H could have had his way, he would have just kept going the way it was. But now reality will be staring at him..and he is truly divorcing his previous life and will be faced with 'living' his new life with his new relationships. I just want to be remembered in a decent way, but I doubt that that will happen anytime soon with the financials going on right now..and Hs somewhat skewered idea of how easily he'd get off financially.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I'll be signing the year lease, and getting the keys tomorrow morning. Things are finally moving now. I'm not sure when I'll be completely moved over, but I contacted the utitlity company and they'll do their thing tomorrow. I've got to stop and think what other things need to be done. H will have to sign off on the utilities here by closing date.
I hardly have any days off for this move, so it will have to be done on off hours..and hopefully with help from Ss and their friends. Funny how everyone offers to help, but when it comes time, 'something' comes up. Oh well, if it doesn't kill me, I should end up stronger in the end, right.
My L has sent correspondence to Hs L, so we'll see what happens now. If it wasn't for my L, there would be no communication going on. I have a new nickname for Hs lawyer, and it's not flattering Its nice to hear that some of Hs lawyers past clients have fired him because of his shenanigans. Makes me feel very good about my choice of attorney (who is known as the best in this town).
I haven't had time to post much on other threads, but I try to read as many as I can when possible. It's really nice to see Newman posting here. What insight.
Bless you all..
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Just wanted to say hi. How do you feel about the lease signing? I hope this is somewhat of a relief. I hope the move goes smoothly for you. Maybe you can do the bigger parts of that on the weekends (if that is when you have time off)? Just wanted to offer some support to you. I hope you have a great day today.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Great post! I wanted to pass along some words of wisdom that I received. A lady I know lost her 6 year old son to a very tragic construction accident...the father was involved. This couple has truly been to hell and back and have one of the strongest faith based marriages I have ever seen. When I told her of my sitch, she said that I need to realize that whatever God's path is for me, I will come out a stonger person...it took a couple of days, but now I truly believe it. Also, another friend of mine, when I was in my WHY ME? stage said Satan makes you question why, but God gets you through it. Just some sound advice to pass around
Just stopping by to say hello and that I'm hoping you end up with enough help to get your move done. Maybe they'll all surprise you.
Hopefully some of the tension of all this will ease up once you're all settled in your new place.
Sounds like you did a great job of selecting your L. Who would have thought a while back that would have been something you'd need? So many changes in our lives due to our husbands being immoral jerks.
I'm still praying for you and as your last post noted, God does have a path for us to follow. He will see you through this.
I hope your move goes well. I really feel that things will fall into place. I had those same worries when I moved (twice) and it all worked out in the end.
If you are like me, right now you are having a weird sense of relief and excitement about the future and another sense that the door is closing on one chapter of your life. (((((((Creed))))))).
Just home for work..bedtime pretty soon, as I go in at 7am tomorrow morning.
I had a full morning before work today. Went to sign all the papers at the apartment building, took a 2nd tour of it all. Got the keys..WROTE OUT THE CHECK ..Ugh!. I'm tickled as can be that there is a small patio where I can put/plant some flowers, a spot out front with a big half barrel for planting flowers, etc. It will certainly make it feel more 'homey', which is just what I wanted after being a homeowner for so long. It won't seem so odd. I got a better look at the bedrooms. I can't believe the closet space..I have NEVER had that much closet space in my life! And s23s room has just as much closet space..so what he doesn't use up, I'll just kind of invade myself (snicker) The apt. complex was built in the late 70s, so it's older..and alot of the woodwork, etc. looks it. But I can live with it. More good news. After the first year lease..it goes monthly. Which means I won't be tied down forever if I want to move to something smaller/bigger/cheaper or whatever.
Mom wanted to help this weekend while I was at work, but S23 wants to do it on his own. Since this is the first time he's showed any interest in 'our' new home, I told her to just step back and let him do what he's able to do..that it would help him to adjust better probably. After being raised in this house for the last 22 years, I'm sure this is a big hurdle for him too..not just me. So, that gives me hope that he and I will be able to start communicating better...emotionally and verbally. He's been very distant, very moody and very obstinate as the months have gone by. Hopefully this move will be just what we both need.
Wow...LR...you nailed it. I am finally excited and ready to 'do it' now. The time is here...and I'm ready. A door is closing, but another is opening. All the emotions you mentioned...they're exactly what I'm feeling.
Oh Lib...yes, I'm VERY glad that I have the attorney that I do. I hear absolutely nothing by praise for him in divorce situations. I've never seen the hard side of him, but when it comes down to it..I guess he fights like hell, and knows the ins and outs like the back of his hand. All this time I thought he was maybe too laid back..I think he's just been reserving his energy for when it is needed the most. I have every confidence in him, and have no reason to doubt his sincerity in trying for the best deal I can get. I hope Hs attorneys bad reputation precedes him if this goes to court. It won't help H at all if the judge would have an 'issue' with his attorney, now would it. This guy is so obnoxious...so argumentative...such a blowhard that it is embarrasing. I truly don't believe that H has any idea what type of attorney his guy is. I don't know who referred H to him, but an attorney with this guys 'reputation' is not someone who is generally liked in the court system. Maybe he plays really dirty..I don't know. But if he tries, I know my L will be right there shoveling the dirt right back. Can't think of what that dirt might be, because I don't remember the marriage really ever being something to badmouth, but.....as we know MLCer can pull all sorts of things out of thin air. In this state, doesn't really matter anyway. I would hate to think that H and I would start having this type of thing happen, but I do believe his L would have no qualms in arguing I did something terrible like folding Hs underwear the wrong way
Karen..thanks for all the well wishes. They're certainly appreciated and very much needed right now. There are alot of things that have to fall into place in a short amount of time, and I hope 'helpers' start coming out of the woodwork in the next couple of weeks. That would be nice...really nice.
Oh...did I mention, as I've had to call utility company, insurance company, etc...that once they find out I'm moving because of divorce, etc....in general, each one of them has wished me well, gave me 'advice' on how to do things so that I end up on the good side of things, etc. etc. I have had nothing but support from these people who are complete strangers to me. I think there are so many people that have been divorced, or know people that have been...that they realize how hard, frightening and draining it all is. I certainly did not expect that customer service reps would be so personable with this type of situation. It's wonderful..and just what a LBS needs at a time like this. Knowing there are people that care and want to help, even if it's just in their line of work. God blesses us in many ways..and unexpected ways.
Off to bed for me. This weekend should be a very busy and exhausting one between work both days, and moving at night. What was that line that was always said in Lethal Weapon movies???? "I'm too old for this!!"
Thanks again friends
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Its nice to hear that some of Hs lawyers past clients have fired him because of his shenanigans. Makes me feel very good about my choice of attorney (who is known as the best in this town).