As I am trying to sort through things, preparing to move out of the house and into an apartment, I set aside the box that I know contained the 'love' letters H and I had wrote while he was in service..away from home..and dated right up until we married.
I knew I wanted to look through them before I did anything with them. Tonight I brought the box down, sat by the shredder, and started reading a few. A few ended up in the shredder. Mushy nonsense stuff really. Then I started coming across some that I just couldn't destroy. I haven't gone through all of them yet, but I have made the decision I'm not ready to be rid of them at this point.
I found two that, unbelievably, made me realize some important things.
Both were dated in July 1975. He told me that his dad had said that he and H mom had almost separated. H went on to say that he found it hard to believe, after being married 20 years, that his parents could even consider this. And then he said that he thought all of their kids being home at the same time and had made them realize what all they had..and that he thought his mom and dad were going to be okay. The second letter was about 30 days later, and said that his mom had made a long trip, driving by herself. And that he wasn't sure if she just needed time by herself, or if 'it' had finally happened. And that he (H) was really scared...that he didn't think he could handle it if they separated.
I'm sitting there by myself, reading this..and thinking did H ever really see himself doing the same thing? And since he HAS done the same thing, how could he not have the same thoughts about us and our sons, as he did about his parents and him not being able to handle it. All he said about our sons were 'they have lives of their own.' ????? Can't he remember what it felt like when he saw his family being torn apart? And we've been together for almost 30 years, yet he couldn't believe his parents would separate after 20 years..considering everything they had???
Now, his dad is on his 4th wife..at least 30 years younger . His mother had been remarried 25 years. His mother is vindictive and bitter, his father..he at leasts acknowledges me. His father did the same thing as H has done. I hope I don't end up like his mother did/has. I can't understand how she went through it with H father, but has had no sympathy/empathy for me since her son has done the same thing. The exact same thing. I guess she sees herself having been more a victim in her circumstance. Somehow she must see me as the villian, and her son the victim. I don't know. I'm tired of trying to understand it all .
I'm going to hang onto the letters I did not destroy. Maybe someday I can pull them out for my sons to read/have. So they know that this marriage was NOT all bad like their father apparently feels it was. That they see how much their father DID love me, want me and need me.
It certainly was bittersweet reading those letters. Some I had to laugh it, some I had shake my head at, some brought back the terrible yearning that two young people have when in love...and some brought to mind patterns that have always been there..to this day. A few mentioned fears/doubts of mine. So, even back then, I must have felt some insecurity. Does make a person wonder.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
