I'll Never Be Alone

[Creed]

I know..weird title, but I was trying to think of something that fit what I'm trying to remember. I have to remember that I'll never be alone. That I have family, friends and most of all my relationship with The Lord.

There are times when I let myself think of my life w/o H in it. I never thought I'd have to do that. Well...I do. I've already learned how to do alot of things on my own, but I'll have to learn even more in the future. I'll have to take more risks than I ever thought I would have to. I'll have to put more thought into what I want from ANY relationship from now on.

I guess with H, and our marriage, I had just become so accustomed to the idea that we were 'in sync'. Now I know I couldn't have been more wrong. So...that's a lesson learned, and one I won't soon forget.

I don't know what will happen in his life. That is up to him. I do know that I don't want to spend what is left of my life alone and bitter. And I don't want to be afraid of feeling again. Whether H ever would come out of MLC or not...I have to remember that I am worthy of love and respect. If he will never be able to give me that, then I know there must be something better in my future. I do know that no one should have to hurt and suffer as much as us LBS have had to endure. I know that our gift is that we learn about grace, and that learning to forgive our WAS teaches us alot about ourselves.

I don't know what's down my narrow path. I just hope it's light and bright and filled with peace, love and hope.

[brueniap]

You are right, Creed, with God you are never alone - and only He can provide the perfect comfort for you. And only He can provide the perfect comfort for our Hs. He is the only one who knows how to get inside their head and reach them. They have to listen.

I figure that I really don't have much time left in my life since I'm already in my 50's - but what time I do have needs to be spent in love and service to others - with love and peace in my heart. I thot H and I would be doing that together - apparently I was wrong. But it is a good goal - and one that I intend to work on.

You are never alone and God's hand is always there reaching out to you if you just take it.

brue

[hopefloats7]

Creed, I couldn’t identify more with what you said. I don’t know where my R. w/H. is headed, either, but I do want to remind myself that I have family & friends that care very much, and of course God too. I don’t need H., but I would like to have him in my life again. I, too, assumed we were “in sync”; good way to word that. Clearly I was wrong. He is depressed and going through something very difficult, and through that I have had to learn a series of life lessons.
I wish you happiness, Creed.

[Libnor]

Hi Creed,

What a great attitude you show for having been through all you have. Your faith is strong and mighty and will see you through. God is always with you and has been to get you to the place you are now. Sure you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life and He knows this and has plans for you. It may be that your marriage will be restored or that there will be another path for you to follow, but either way you will not be alone.

When God allowed us to suffer with the betrayal by our husbands (...not caused to happen, but allowed), He knew that He would be with us through it. Our suffering served some greater purpose. I have offered mine up as often as I remembered to. Suffering lets our souls flourish and ultimately brings us so much closer to God.

Is your apartment hunting completed and the money part of things settled yet? Bet you can't wait to be settled in your new home.

Praying for you...

God bless,

Lib

[Creed]

Hi Lib and all

Yes, I've found an apartment, and the manager is going to try to get me in by the middle of next month. The closing on the house is May 1st. As far as the financials, no. That's in the works. I did find a signed copy of the property agreement I made up, with the clause that my H remove all rubbish from the house after I have moved out. So that's one big plus, as long as he follows through on it. I will give this agreement paper to my L when I meet with him this next to discuss how to go about with a financial settlement agreement. H wants us to work something out ourselves, I don't care to do that. L is going to give me some ideas on what to ask for, etc. If I feel uncomfortable at all, I've decided to tell my L HE can do the talking (debating) with Hs L. I know how H can manipulate me, even when I'm watching out for it..and I just don't want to deal with that right now. Besides, I think my L would do much better in the negotiating than I would. Besides, isn't that why I hired one in the first place??? This is the one thing that I really wanted protection for...the financials. So, prayerfully, he will earn his money well.

Yes, the Lord has been with me all the way through this. I'll never forget how He opened up my eyes to my own mistakes, faults, etc. I don't think that ever would have happened without Hs crisis(or whatever it is). It made me realize that I was NOT and never was the easiest person to live with or please. But, it also opened my eyes to some truths about H that I hadn't wanted to face. I wanted to stay in denial..I wanted to defend and protect him. And that was a big mistake. We all have to pay consequences for our mistakes, and I found that I was making excuses for his. Just like myself, he must find his way through his journey..by himself. Not with me, not with Twinkie, not with his mother...no one. He has to face God, like I did, to see the bare naked dark side of his life. His friends and family, whom never should have been involved, have enabled him to feel that the course he is on is one he is very entitled to. He hasn't been told or warned about the damage that has been done, and is still being done, by his thoughts, actions, etc. It's like he doesn't have a clue, other than his own desires and needs. It's reverting back to a child in a serious way. No responsibility, no repruscussions, etc.

I know someday, there will be a time that he'll think back on everything, and see things differently than he does now. I do have pity on him for when that time comes. There have been things in this family that have changed that will never be the same. Our sons will never forget what has been said and done. Doesn't mean that won't love him...they will..but they will never look at him again like they use to before all of this. They will always have a kernel of doubt when he gives them his word on something. He may convince them that he's the happiest now that he's ever been..and maybe he is...but as they grow older, they'll become wiser, and realize that a middle aged man barhopping with a woman THEIR age is not 'normal'. But then, when you don't have a family life anymore, I guess barhopping is the thing you do. Me? When I get done work, I just like to chill out and enjoy some quiet. I do miss not having weekends and having someone to share them with..but I trust God to help me in that department too. Whether it's volunteering, joining some club..whatever. I do hope my 'off' hours begin to have some more enjoyment in them than they have the last couple of years. Life is too precious and short to only work.

[mermaid]

Creed,

That was a truly thought provoking post. You are so right about your h having to face God on his own before he can be truly healed. It will happen in time. But yes in the meantime do go out and enjoy your weekends.

[Vee]

Creed, your post has a lot of meaning for me. You are right that we are never alone. My faith has been shaken lately and I needed that reminder.

I also feel I don't have a lot of time since I am 55. I regret the 4 years I have spent waiting for my h. to get through this only to find out he is marrying OW. I have to find a way to not let him rob me of any more precious time.

[Creed]

Journaling

As I am trying to sort through things, preparing to move out of the house and into an apartment, I set aside the box that I know contained the 'love' letters H and I had wrote while he was in service..away from home..and dated right up until we married.

I knew I wanted to look through them before I did anything with them. Tonight I brought the box down, sat by the shredder, and started reading a few. A few ended up in the shredder. Mushy nonsense stuff really. Then I started coming across some that I just couldn't destroy. I haven't gone through all of them yet, but I have made the decision I'm not ready to be rid of them at this point.

I found two that, unbelievably, made me realize some important things.

Both were dated in July 1975. He told me that his dad had said that he and H mom had almost separated. H went on to say that he found it hard to believe, after being married 20 years, that his parents could even consider this. And then he said that he thought all of their kids being home at the same time and had made them realize what all they had..and that he thought his mom and dad were going to be okay. The second letter was about 30 days later, and said that his mom had made a long trip, driving by herself. And that he wasn't sure if she just needed time by herself, or if 'it' had finally happened. And that he (H) was really scared...that he didn't think he could handle it if they separated.

I'm sitting there by myself, reading this..and thinking did H ever really see himself doing the same thing? And since he HAS done the same thing, how could he not have the same thoughts about us and our sons, as he did about his parents and him not being able to handle it. All he said about our sons were 'they have lives of their own.' ????? Can't he remember what it felt like when he saw his family being torn apart? And we've been together for almost 30 years, yet he couldn't believe his parents would separate after 20 years..considering everything they had???

Now, his dad is on his 4th wife..at least 30 years younger . His mother had been remarried 25 years. His mother is vindictive and bitter, his father..he at leasts acknowledges me. His father did the same thing as H has done. I hope I don't end up like his mother did/has. I can't understand how she went through it with H father, but has had no sympathy/empathy for me since her son has done the same thing. The exact same thing. I guess she sees herself having been more a victim in her circumstance. Somehow she must see me as the villian, and her son the victim. I don't know. I'm tired of trying to understand it all .

I'm going to hang onto the letters I did not destroy. Maybe someday I can pull them out for my sons to read/have. So they know that this marriage was NOT all bad like their father apparently feels it was. That they see how much their father DID love me, want me and need me.

It certainly was bittersweet reading those letters. Some I had to laugh it, some I had shake my head at, some brought back the terrible yearning that two young people have when in love...and some brought to mind patterns that have always been there..to this day. A few mentioned fears/doubts of mine. So, even back then, I must have felt some insecurity. Does make a person wonder.

[GenuineG]

Hi Creed,

Welcome to your new thread. I had a feeling that the title of your thread had something to do with Him...and you are so right about it.

I'm glad things are working out with the apartment and the clean-up. Your Faith has sustained you once again.

I'm glad you were able to laugh a bit as you were going through the letters. I don't think that you'll have to worry about becomeing bitter. You're way beyond that already. I sometimes find myself smiling as I remmeber something STBXH said or did and I'm glad I can still do that. I think our WAS' aren't totally oblivious to the parallels from other situations but just push it aside in their mind.

Take care Creed, you are doing great.

Hugs, LR

[Between Tears]

Wow Creed,

I do understand how you are feeling right now. I've felt the same way while looking at some old pictures.... it's really something when the old memories come flooding back.

I'm glad you are saving those letters, I think they will have a lot of value someday in the future.... and yes, maybe your sons would like the validation too.

Honey, I can tell you, you will not end up bitter and angry, you've been working through this all along, feeling your emotions, taking the good along with the bad... no, I know there is no worry about the person you will be down the road, and it won't be bitter or resentful.

Leave your former MIL to herself with her own fears and thoughts.... they are hers, and really have no bearing on the person you really are. She can think anything she wants, but it won't stop you from being you, a very insightful, understanding, caring, wonderful person.... the way she chooses to view life is her choice, and if she snubs you.... it's her loss... not yours.

Yes, it does make a person wonder, I know the memories after view the pictures stuck with me for a long time. For a while, I fought with some of my ideas, but in the end, I was glad I went through those pictures, as I was able to validate (for myself) the truth about the marriage.

Take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing