A nice day yesterday, considering the weirdness. We (H, kids and I) spent most of the day cleaning the house and catching up on laundry and such. I had told H in the AM that at some point I wanted to go to this creepy old cemetary and take pictures, and he said he wanted to go, and we should have our friend (who sublets MIL quarters in our house) watch the kids. No physical afection from H all day, at times we would need to be very close, in passing or in our little kitchen, a time where normally he would touch my waist or my neck, but nothing. (To be fair, I am not making any effort to touch him either, which is hard because I want to, and he USED to want me to).Lots of funny little smiles from him, to be honest for the days leading up to his meeting with OW and the day after, he wouldn't even look at me. Anyway, we went to the cemetary after dinner, it was beautiful and very very old and creepy...no pictures though, I am such a planner I forgot to charge the camera battery, will need to go back when the light is better and all...told H I would come back on my own to get the shots I wanted, and he was adamant that I go back with him. I did my own thing when we got home, then when I went to bed he came too, and he initiated s@x. I have no idea what is going on with him, and I am not going to ask. To be honest, as much as the OW thing hurts, it had been weeks since he held me in bed, or had s@x that seemed anything more than the wham bam kinda thing, and it was nice, just to be held. I am not going to analyze it any more than that, it could be nothing, it could be something. No kiss goodbye this AM, though.

So my plan? Keep doing what I like to do. This whole second interview for another job has me completely excited. I have to get some work samples together and send them off today. I have some little adventures I want to take, the cemetary is one, and I want to go take some photos at an old Mission, if H wants to go, well he can come sometimes, but I need to turn him down some times too. Told him I was going to take the kids to the beach to fly kites today, he asked me to wait and go tomorrow when he gets off early and can join us.

So, I am trying to maintain this mindset that H is still confused, and while it may make it a little more comfortable for us to be "friendly" and have s@x, and do things together as a family, I need to build up my own life. He could very well be waiting for me to get a job, so he can find his own place and not have to worry about me making rent, or he could be stalling because he still doesn't know what he wants. (See, I am analyzing again). Regardless, I feel the need to get going with my life, as if H may not be a part of it soon, and persuing the things that I enjoy. Basically playing a watered down version of persuer-distancer. And yes, I am rambling.