Leslie, I really feel for you. This sucks, doesn't it? But you know what, our H's really have control. Unless we decide that we don't want to be with them anh longer, and then we have control. But you and I both want our marriages to work out. We are willing to forgive and forget and move forward. We have to understand that even though we still live with our spouses and that is what WE want, it may not be what they want, YET. Let them do waht they have to do, as hard as it is. They have to get OW out of their system on their own. We CANNOT force them, they will end up resenting us big time. Remember that you are not a victim. This is something your H has done, it has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with him and his feelings. Eventually he will realize that the grass is not greener, and even if he doesn't you will be such an emotionally strong person that you will be able to cope under any circumstances.
Quote: They have to get OW out of their system on their own. We CANNOT force them, they will end up resenting us big time.
I keep telling myself this. And yes, it completely sucks. I had hoped that he'd be home by now, and new that the later it got the sadder I'd get. It's all about detaching, right? And finding things that we love to do, so that eventually we're so happy with our own lives, we don't feel the pain so much. That's what I am counting on.
Oh, Mamabear, do you have a current thread? I've read the ones that locked up a few days ago...just sounds like we still have a lot in common, wondered what was going on with you?
I think you did GREAT as he was leaving. No hysterics, no drama, just him leaving and you staying. I really think that took strength. Now, the morning after, no matter WHAT happened in your mind, you have to keep that up. You realize that you need to take FULL ownership over what you CAN control and just let the rest go. I think you are on your way to doing that, just make sure you don't lose sight of that goal.
One of the hardest things to do is to let go of that "right" you feel you have to self pity in all this. You are CHOOSING to be in this position. H is NOT DOING THIS TO YOU, you are allowing it to happen. I say that not as a negative, but a positive. You HAVE control and you are using it RIGHT NOW. Don't let yourself believe that you are somehow being a victim in all this.
So long as you are making choices, like waiting this A out, then you ARE in control. It's when you decide you have no choice but to allow it to continue because you "need H" or "can't be without him" that you lose control and BECOME a victim, or someone who's given up control over their own life.
I am proud of you for taking a stand and gaining control over your emotions last night. Keep it up and I think you will start to gain new respect for yourself because of this ability. You WILL NOT ALLOW someone else's crap to drag you down, even if it's your H!
Quote: No hysterics, no drama, just him leaving and you staying.
Thanks GH, I couldn't be cheery and all, not even when he got home (10:30, WAY BETTER than midnite or 2am), but I was not a snarky sarcastic you-know what...let all those zingers stay in my head.
I am trying to let go of my need to always control everybody else, and know what their deal is, including H. You are right, I am here because I chose to be, and I am not ready to have anyones living situations changed, yet. I am in control of me, though. It is a beautiful sunny day here, H is already moping in the bedroom, and the kids and I are talking about the day and the plans. And, I don't actually feel angry or mad or whatever.
GH, not to jump on the "all hail grasshopper" bandwagon or anything, but I want to thank you, too. I look forward to your posts, whether it is congratulatory or a reality slap, it is always what needs to be heard. It is a kind and generous person who can take the time out from their own problems to help so many other people with theirs. Thank you...
Little journaling update on my sitch: Had argument with H Saturday morning. He was moping around crying and being sad the morning after he saw OW. I just acted as if I was OK, doing my thing. Went in and told H that the kids and I had talked about packing some lunch and going for a hike. He got all PO'd, that I had made plans with the kids, didn't I think he might miss them and want to do something with them? (NO, I didn't because he NEVER does). Said he would like to go with us but obviously it would be ucomfortable...Also said he was mad because he is obviously upset and I keep walking by and doing my own thing, oblivious to the fact that he is upset. I told him I figured if he had something to say he would say it, but I wasn't going to ask any questions. That spiraled into him telling me that he has no answers after seeing OW, that it was nice to see her and talk to her, he didn't know if she was something he could handle in his life right now and the "only thing he knows for sure is that he thinks we are over." Sounds very sure of himself? I just said ok, if that's how you feel, we're going to go now, and we left and had fun.
Came home later, H asked if we could all go see X-Men, that the boys probably needed us to do something all together, and that by going together he wasn't trying to pull the wool over my eyes. So we went, and I just tried to maintain an attitude of indifference to him, like I am doing my own thing and it doesn't affect me to spend time with him...
Sunday morning he gets all handsy, we ML, and spend the day in the mountains as a family. I maintain distance and am not rude or ignoring him, quite honestly, I know that ML doesn't mean any one thing or another. But it also makes him wonder what is up with me if I can do that and then still remain detached (at least appear detached). No other signs of affection, but there is obviously a level of comfort and we chat, had a nice day, rent a movie to watch after kids go to bed.
Monday AM, wake up the same way, H asks if I want to go with him to take the kids to the skatepark, I said no, I've got my own things to do today. I called my mom to tell her that I have a second interview for another job, a job that I would love and would probably change my career path for life, I REALLY REALLY want it, anyway, talked to her for 30 min. when I get doen H asks me who I am talking to for so long???
I don't know what, if anything, is in H's mind. I won't know. I have decided that I am not giving up, but that I have to be realistic and REALLY focus on me, and continue to do so, even if H starts turning back towards me again. Even though he has told me repeatedly this past week that he doesn't feel that way about me anymore, that he can't get past his anger and resentment towards me, blah blah blah, he tells me other things, that I feel are more important to pay attention too. Like he wants me to focus on me, that he his tired of hurting me (so maybe I don't show him I am hurting, don't show him that I EXPECT anything, he can't disappoint me), that he doesn't know how I FEEL, only what I think (????), and that he wants me to be happy.
We have been at his point so many times. I wanted to journal the weekend, there is such a pattern to all of the times that H has rode the wave back in my direction, it would be at least interesting to see if that is what is going on. However, I am trying to keep a clear head about it and not delude myself, I need to realize that at this point, it still could go either way.
A nice day yesterday, considering the weirdness. We (H, kids and I) spent most of the day cleaning the house and catching up on laundry and such. I had told H in the AM that at some point I wanted to go to this creepy old cemetary and take pictures, and he said he wanted to go, and we should have our friend (who sublets MIL quarters in our house) watch the kids. No physical afection from H all day, at times we would need to be very close, in passing or in our little kitchen, a time where normally he would touch my waist or my neck, but nothing. (To be fair, I am not making any effort to touch him either, which is hard because I want to, and he USED to want me to).Lots of funny little smiles from him, to be honest for the days leading up to his meeting with OW and the day after, he wouldn't even look at me. Anyway, we went to the cemetary after dinner, it was beautiful and very very old and creepy...no pictures though, I am such a planner I forgot to charge the camera battery, will need to go back when the light is better and all...told H I would come back on my own to get the shots I wanted, and he was adamant that I go back with him. I did my own thing when we got home, then when I went to bed he came too, and he initiated s@x. I have no idea what is going on with him, and I am not going to ask. To be honest, as much as the OW thing hurts, it had been weeks since he held me in bed, or had s@x that seemed anything more than the wham bam kinda thing, and it was nice, just to be held. I am not going to analyze it any more than that, it could be nothing, it could be something. No kiss goodbye this AM, though.
So my plan? Keep doing what I like to do. This whole second interview for another job has me completely excited. I have to get some work samples together and send them off today. I have some little adventures I want to take, the cemetary is one, and I want to go take some photos at an old Mission, if H wants to go, well he can come sometimes, but I need to turn him down some times too. Told him I was going to take the kids to the beach to fly kites today, he asked me to wait and go tomorrow when he gets off early and can join us.
So, I am trying to maintain this mindset that H is still confused, and while it may make it a little more comfortable for us to be "friendly" and have s@x, and do things together as a family, I need to build up my own life. He could very well be waiting for me to get a job, so he can find his own place and not have to worry about me making rent, or he could be stalling because he still doesn't know what he wants. (See, I am analyzing again). Regardless, I feel the need to get going with my life, as if H may not be a part of it soon, and persuing the things that I enjoy. Basically playing a watered down version of persuer-distancer. And yes, I am rambling.
but I want to thank you, too. I look forward to your posts, whether it is congratulatory or a reality slap, it is always what needs to be heard. It is a kind and generous person who can take the time out from their own problems to help so many other people with theirs. Thank you... 
