Little journaling update on my sitch:
Had argument with H Saturday morning. He was moping around crying and being sad the morning after he saw OW. I just acted as if I was OK, doing my thing. Went in and told H that the kids and I had talked about packing some lunch and going for a hike. He got all PO'd, that I had made plans with the kids, didn't I think he might miss them and want to do something with them? (NO, I didn't because he NEVER does). Said he would like to go with us but obviously it would be ucomfortable...Also said he was mad because he is obviously upset and I keep walking by and doing my own thing, oblivious to the fact that he is upset. I told him I figured if he had something to say he would say it, but I wasn't going to ask any questions. That spiraled into him telling me that he has no answers after seeing OW, that it was nice to see her and talk to her, he didn't know if she was something he could handle in his life right now and the "only thing he knows for sure is that he thinks we are over." Sounds very sure of himself? I just said ok, if that's how you feel, we're going to go now, and we left and had fun.

Came home later, H asked if we could all go see X-Men, that the boys probably needed us to do something all together, and that by going together he wasn't trying to pull the wool over my eyes. So we went, and I just tried to maintain an attitude of indifference to him, like I am doing my own thing and it doesn't affect me to spend time with him...

Sunday morning he gets all handsy, we ML, and spend the day in the mountains as a family. I maintain distance and am not rude or ignoring him, quite honestly, I know that ML doesn't mean any one thing or another. But it also makes him wonder what is up with me if I can do that and then still remain detached (at least appear detached). No other signs of affection, but there is obviously a level of comfort and we chat, had a nice day, rent a movie to watch after kids go to bed.

Monday AM, wake up the same way, H asks if I want to go with him to take the kids to the skatepark, I said no, I've got my own things to do today. I called my mom to tell her that I have a second interview for another job, a job that I would love and would probably change my career path for life, I REALLY REALLY want it, anyway, talked to her for 30 min. when I get doen H asks me who I am talking to for so long???

I don't know what, if anything, is in H's mind. I won't know. I have decided that I am not giving up, but that I have to be realistic and REALLY focus on me, and continue to do so, even if H starts turning back towards me again. Even though he has told me repeatedly this past week that he doesn't feel that way about me anymore, that he can't get past his anger and resentment towards me, blah blah blah, he tells me other things, that I feel are more important to pay attention too. Like he wants me to focus on me, that he his tired of hurting me (so maybe I don't show him I am hurting, don't show him that I EXPECT anything, he can't disappoint me), that he doesn't know how I FEEL, only what I think (????), and that he wants me to be happy.

We have been at his point so many times. I wanted to journal the weekend, there is such a pattern to all of the times that H has rode the wave back in my direction, it would be at least interesting to see if that is what is going on. However, I am trying to keep a clear head about it and not delude myself, I need to realize that at this point, it still could go either way.